Bill Walton Tells Viewers He's Been Milked Like a Cow, Awkward Silence Ensues

We are in the midst of a Bill Walton renaissance, my friends. 

Weeks after spending several minutes discussing Bob Dylan and the Grateful Dead during a live broadcast, the former UCLA Bruins great and NBA Hall of Famer one-upped his acid-rock monologue with an unsolicited dairy-centric admission.

Joined on the call by colleague Dave Pasch for Wednesday night’s tilt between UCLA and USC, Walton latched onto an innocent prompt about cattle and took it to a strange, strange place. 

Vinnyviner posted a Vine of Walton’s remarks. Responding to a question from Pasch about his familiarity with cows, Walton explained he’s not only milked cows but was once the subject of a milking. 

Now, generally, an ounce of context does wonders in explaining weird, pulled quotes such as these. Not so much in Walton’s case. 

SportsGrid.com’s Jake O’Donnell posted video of the entire exchange. Pasch asked Walton, a California native, if he’s familiar with extracting milk from bovine.

“What do you know about milking cows?” Pasch asked. 

“I’ve watched games in Wisconsin,” Walton said. “They’ve got plenty of cows there and I do know about milking cows.”

Great. That’s a good answer. Wisconsin is known for dairy. Walton can just leave it right there and get back to this game. But then he said those fateful words.

“I have milked a cow before,” Walton continued. “And I have been milked.”

And not a single courtesy chuckle was extended. Rather, about 10 seconds of dead air followed Walton admitting on live television that he has been milked like a Holstein Friesian. 

Only later in the broadcast did Pasch dare to clear the air and address Walton’s remark. Listening to his colleague go on a tangent about a debauched birthday party he attended long ago, he keyed in on Walton saying he was goaded into doing something “against [his] better judgement.”

“Hopefully that had nothing to do with milking cows, or being milked, like you said you were earlier,” Pasch said. “You’ll notice I left that one alone.” 

To this, Walton responded guiltily, ostensibly confirming he hadn’t been speaking in idioms—that he had actually been milked like a cow.

“I’m a disgrace to humanity,” Walton said.

Let it be known: This is the good stuff. 

Gus Johnson’s enthusiasm climbs into your bones, and Dick Vitale and his Vitale-isms are timeless fixtures in college basketball. But if you’re looking for the weirdness—the kind of esoteric, off-topic remarks even Dan Dakich can’t match—you’ve got to hear Bill Walton call a college basketball game.

He’s not going to dazzle you with catchphrases or scream the roof off. That’s not his game.

Walton’s game is painting pictures of his bizarre world on the inner walls of your mind’s eye—pictures you can never erase. And that is beautiful.

Dan is on Twitter. Like Bill Walton and Ben Stiller, he’s bullish on the number of things that can be milked.