* This is a literal “mock” draft based on the college football and NFL seasons for humor and entertainment purposes only, so Phil Savage, don’t read this and start getting ideas...oh wait, he just got deleted from the Browns.
1. Detroit: QB, Ronnie Fouch, Washington (Freshman)
Stats: 45.2 percent completions, four TDs, 13 INTs
He led his team to no wins. He knows where the back of the end zone is, making him an upgrade over Dan Orlovsky. He may or may not beat Daunte Culpepper in a footrace. Joey Harrington was from the Pac-10, and he worked out great for the Lions.
2. St. Louis: S Eric Berry, Tennessee (Sophomore)
Stats: one catch, three yards; seven carries, 37 yards; 72 tackles, 21 TFL, three sacks, seven INTs, two TDs
The Rams were equally abysmal on both sides of the football, so why not grab someone who can single-handedly address all needs? He also returned a couple kicks. He did line up at QB, and while he's never thrown in college, the Rams are sure he can get sacked less than Marc Bulger.
3. Kansas City Chiefs: QB Colt McCoy, Texas (Junior)
Stats: 77.6 percent completions, 32 TDs, seven INTs; 576 rushing yards, 10 TDs
Herm Edwards knows that "you play to win the game! You don't play to just play it!" The BCS standings do not compute. McCoy beat Oklahoma and can now have a shot at a championship, as there are no teams from Oklahoma in the NFL.
4. Seattle: WR Ryan Tannehill, Texas A&M (Freshman)
Stats: 55 catches, 844 yards, five TDs; 1-1, eight yards passing
After the messy lawsuit over who really has the rights to the "12th man," the Seahawks reconcile with Texas A&M by taking Tannehill. They are always looking for third string receivers to start for them, and Tannehill projects well. He also used to play QB. With him and Seneca Wallace, the sky’s the limit whenever it’s not raining in Seattle.
5. Cleveland: K/P Louie Sakoda, Utah (Senior)
Stats: 21-23 FG, long 53; 50 punts, 41.7 yards average, long 81
Cleveland didn’t score an offensive TD in their last five games. Since they can’t punch it in, they need a reliable kicker to score on what little opportunities they actually have—and he’ll have plenty of chances to attempt 81-yard punts. Even with Phil Dawson, the Browns can never have enough offensive playmakers.
6. Cincinnati: S Jamar Hornsby, Ole Miss (Sophomore)
Stats: 111 tackles, two INTs at East Mississippi Community College; four misdemeanors
Marvin Lewis is still on board and is looking for another criminal to anchor the defense. Hornsby can charge upfield and charge gas cards like no one else in college football. With the uncertainty of the economy, Hornsby could be a valuable asset in more ways than one.
7. Oakland: QB Robert Marve, formerly of “the U” (Freshman)
Stats: 54.5 percent completions, 1,293 yards, nine TDs, 13 INTs; 59 carries, 119 yards, two TDs
Al Davis to Randy Shannon: “Robert Marve is a great player. Get over it!”
This wouldn’t be the first time the Raiders had someone who couldn’t handle discipline.
8. Jacksonville: WR Pat White, West Virginia (Senior)
Stats: 63.6 percent completions, 1,510 yards, 18 TDs, six INTs; 170 carries, 919 yards, eight TDs
This is the perfect pick for the Jags, who are suckers for unproven speed receivers who never catch passes. White is the most hyped QB transition player since Matt Jones, who is the Jags’ best receiver. So this was a no-brainer.
Coincidentally, Pat White is what Matt Jones calls his secret coke stash. He was going to use a credit card to draw up a double sniff option, but the card was intercepted by Hornsby.
9. Green Bay: QB Tim Tebow, Florida (Junior)
Stats: 64.9 percent completions, 2,515 yards, 28 TDs, two INTs; 154 carries, 564 yards, 12 TDs
After a tough 6-10 campaign, the Packers take someone who really doesn’t have the fundamentals and creates on the go, but is an inspirational player that can just somehow come up with wins. Is Ted Thompson trying to make up for something?
10. San Francisco: CB Vontae Davis, Illinois (Junior)
Stats: 78 tackles, three FF, two INTs
With the Cardinals being the only threat in the NFC West for the near future, the 49ers need some people with coverage skills. When informed of the selection, Mike Singletary had a little misunderstanding.
“Cannot play with him. Cannot win with him. Cannot coach with him. Can’t do it.”
Defensive Coordinator Greg Manusky: “You mean Vernon. We’ll ship him to wherever Martz ends up.”
11. Buffalo: CB Curtis Brown, Texas (Sophomore)
Stats: 0 INTs, one missed tackle against Michael Crabtree
The Bills shot out of the gate with a 5-1 start and then choked like they always do, so they take Brown to help keep the tradition alive. In case the Bills ever get in a tough spot with a championship on the line, they can count on Brown to keep the trophy out of the locker room.
12. Denver: WR Mike Shanahan, Pittsburgh (Freshman)
Stats: DNP last season, 6’5”, 220 lbs.
The Broncos lose out to Buffalo again with Brown, whose tackling skills rival those of the Broncos defense. Instead of fixing the unfixable, the Broncos try to appease Jay Cutler with the pick, as he seems pretty peeved about the loss of Mike Shanahan. Problem solved.
13. Washington: FB/HB Jorvorskie Lane, Texas A&M (Senior)
Stats: 35 carries, 93 yards, five TDs; 49 career rushing TDs
Jim Zorn complained about Portis not getting in the way of defenders, so he solves that problem by taking the Jared Lorenzen of backs. At 6’0”, 285 pounds, he’s a good diet away from being another tackle for Jason Campbell. At worst he can serve as a tackling dummy for LaRon Landry so he doesn’t get planted by Brandon Jacobs again.
14. New Orleans: QB Graham Harrell, Texas A&M (Senior)
Stats: 71.5 percent completions, 4,747 yards, 41 TDs, seven INTs; 15,429 career yards, 130 career TDs
The ultimate system quarterback; the Saints believe they have the system for him to take down Dan Marino after Drew Brees came up 16 yards short.
15. Houston: CB Malcolm Jenkins, Ohio State (Senior)
Stats: 54 tackles, three INTs, two FF, one sack
The Texans need players in the secondary to take their team to the next level. They’re also hoping Jenkins can rub off some of Ohio State’s “second best” karma to help Houston in the AFC South.
Losing in the title game is an incentive in his contract.
16. San Diego: RB Shonn Greene, Iowa (Junior)
Stats: 278 carries, 1.729 yards, 17 TDs; rushed for at least 100 yards in all 13 games
With LT apparently being human and starting to decline, the Chargers take the college equivalent of him to appease concerned fantasy owners everywhere.
17. New York Jets: QB Kevin Craft, UCLA (Junior)
Stats: 55.6 percent completions, 2,341 yards, seven TDs, 20 INTs
After Brett Favre valiantly led the Jets down the tubes in the final month of the season while leading the league in picks, the Jets take Craft to finally get some consistency at the quarterback position.
18. Chicago: DE Michael Johnson, Georgia Tech (Senior)
Stats: 45 tackles, nine sacks, one INT, one TD
The Bears really, really need a receiving weapon, so they take the former USA Olympian. Whoops.
19. Tampa Bay: WR Percy Harvin, Florida (Junior)
Stats: 35 catches, 595 yards, seven TDs; 61 carries, 538 yards, nine TDs
Jon Gruden is always looking for his next project at quarterback, and Harvin will be his biggest one yet. Seeing him line up in the shotgun is giving him all kinds of ideas. He just might make Percy Harvin boring.
20. Detroit: WR Michael Crabtree, Texas Tech (Sophomore)
Stats: 93 catches, 1,135 yards, 18 TDs, 40 career TDs
You didn’t actually think the Lions wouldn’t take a receiver in the first round, did you?
21. Arizona: RB Arian Foster, Tennessee (Senior)
Stats: 131 carries, 570 yards, one TD; 19 catches, 166 yards
The Cardinals need anyone to play running back. Foster can get them from 20 to 20. And since the Cards always throw in the red zone, they don’t have to worry about Foster fumbling the drive away on the five.
22. Philadelphia: RB Rashad Jennings, Liberty (Senior)
Stats: 263 carries, 1,500 yards, 17 TDs; 24 catches, 190 yards, two TDs
As usual, Andy Reid takes someone out of left field whom no one has ever heard of. He is hoping lightning strikes twice, as Jennings is also an FCS player who transferred from Pitt, a la Joe Flacco. Reid is finally going to commit to the run after Donovan F. McNabb finally told the Eagles to go F. themselves.
23. Minnesota: DT Terrence Cody, Alabama (Junior)
Stats: 6’5”, 365 lbs. (that’s all you need to know)
The Vikings had to take him after he devoured Pat and Kevin Williams.
24. New England: WR Kerry Meier, Kansas (Junior)
Stats: 97 catches, 1,045 yards, eight TDs; 61 percent career completions, 1,542 yards, 17 TDs, 10 INTs
With Matt Cassel getting the keys to another castle, Bill Belichick has to find someone to play backup to Brady. He loves players with multiple positions, and Meier played under center for the Jayhawks two years ago and is now a pretty good possession receiver. He even has four career punts, so if the Pats ever end up in 50 mph winds at Buffalo again and need a pooch punt, Meier has a 34.5 yard average.
His camera skills remain to be seen.
25. Atlanta: TE Brandon Pettigrew, Oklahoma State (Senior)
Stats: 42 catches, 472 yards
Now that the Falcons are good again, they can take a chance on someone with talent but problems with the police. Hopefully it doesn’t end with Scooby and Scrappy fighting it out 'til the death for a Scooby Snack.
26. Miami: CB D.J. Moore, Vanderbilt (Junior)
Stats: 59 tackles, one sack, five INTs; 24.7 punt return average; seven catches, 143 yards, two TDs; nine carries, 76 yards
The Dolphins, like the Commodores, came back from the depths of hell back to relevance. But they still need weapons on both sides of the ball, and with the lack of offensive talent at Vanderbilt, Moore has done a little bit of everything, and all of it well. Think of the wrinkles in the wildcat you can add with this guy.
27. Baltimore: WR Jeremy Maclin, Missouri (Sophomore)
Stats: 102 catches, 1,260 yards, 13 TDs; 40 carries, 293 yards, two TDs; 41 punt returns, 270 yards, one TD; 42 kickoff returns, 1,010 yards, one TD
Let’s see. Ball-hawking secondary, check. Smashmouth defense, check. Big arm quarterback who actually completes passes, check. Running game, check. Kick returner/receiver...Maclin could make the Ravens exciting to watch on offense. The defense doesn’t have that problem with Ray Lewis shooting the gap.
28. Colts: DE Brian Orakpo, Texas (Senior)
Stats: 38 tackles, 10 sacks, 20 career sacks
Since the Colts always win 12 games, they don’t feel they have any needs. So they take the one person who may have actually sacked Peyton Manning next season.
29. Philadelphia: WR Hakeem Nicks, North Carolina (Junior)
Stats: 68 catches, 1,222 yards, 12 TDs; five carries, 34 yards, TD
On the rare 95 percent of the time the Eagles are throwing the football, they need someone who can actually catch it. Nicks fits the bill and won’t voluntarily drop the ball off before he goes into the end zone. He can make catches behind his back, so just imagine what he could do with the ball coming in front of him. If only McNabb stayed...
30. Pittsburgh: WR Josh Chichester, Louisville (Freshman)
Stats: 30 catches, 341 yards, 2 TDs
Big Ben is tired of throwing the ball to midgets, so the Steelers take the behemoth 6’8” Chichester. He drops more passes than Braylon Edwards, but at least now Roethlisberger has a big target.
31. New York Giants: WR Kenny Britt, Rutgers (Junior)
Stats: 87 catches, 1,371 yards, seven TDs; seven carries, 75 yards, one TD; 6’4”, 215 lbs.
The Giants take a local kid—a big receiver with good hands who can go up and get it for Eli Manning. They made sure he wasn’t armed.
Britt is not allowed to go to clubs as part of his contract.
32. Tennessee: QB Mark Sanchez, USC (Junior)
Stats: 65.8 percent completion, 3,207 yards, 34 TDs, 10 INTs
The Titans take another Rose Bowl MVP—only this time they have no intention of playing him.
They just hope battling a USC guy brings Vince Young back to legendary status.
51. Dallas: P Kevin Huber, Cincinnati (Senior)
Stats: 56 punts, 44.9-yard average
With Tony Romo being smitten with Jason Witten, and T.O. and Roy Williams plotting their revenge, Jerry Jones had to step in and put everyone on an equal playing field. Everyone needs to be on the same page.
Which is why the Cowboys are going to punt on first down next season. And this guy can punt it into a coffin corner like no other. Which is important considering Cowboys fans could be putting Romo and Owens into coffins pretty soon.
60. Carolina: CB Captain Munnerlyn, South Carolina (Junior)
Stats: 40 tackles, two sacks; 33 punt returns, 118 yards, nine kick returns, 218 yards
The Panthers are the team that was forgotten before the season started, and in a loaded SEC with great defenses, this guy is the forgotten man.
Plus, if the Panthers are planning on plundering the Buccaneers every year, they'll be needing a captain to ward off the cannons.
That’s every team’s first pick in the 2009 draft. Plenty of interesting picks that even Mel Kiper couldn’t see coming. Hopefully your team got who they need to take them to new heights (or lows).