Well, despite Ken Armer's constant ripping and devious comments about the movie, and how I assured him I could never sit through such a sacrilegious thing—I did.
I sat there and watched as Mike Myers, a man who describes himself as a huge Leafs' fan, allowed the Toronto Maple Leafs to hoist the cup in one of the most cliched Stanley Cup Finals—favorite team goes down 3-0 with their number-one player suspended for games two and three, and then they go on to win the next four. Yeah sure, nothing out of the ordinary there.
To be honest, it wasn't worth Ken's ribbing, that stupid free gift on Facebook he sent me, or the $10 it cost to see the movie—there were probably three legitimately funny moments in the entire thing, and all of them stemmed from Stephen Colbert's color commentary, which was a thing of genius.
I couldn't even watch as, with one second left, 'Darren Roanoke' was given a penalty shot on Justin Timberlake—sorry Jacques 'Le Coq' Grande. The moment he started to skate, I shut my eyes and chose not to take in the moment because for a team that hasn't even made the finals in forty-one years, it just didn't seem right to win the cup in a movie—especially in a movie where Romany Malco scored on Justin Timberlake.
The movie actually turned out to be the perfect end to the current dilemma that has faced the Toronto Maple Leafs though as it defined the past three years perfectly—an unorganized wasteland of forced laughs, unnecessary actions, and failed expectations.
The other perfect example of this? The man on the left in the photo, John Ferguson Jr. (And why exactly are he and Doug Gilmour of all people wearing matching ties? Was everyone okay with this?)
But what if I told you that the Guru Pitka was on to something? What if I told you that—despite it going about as well as Vanilla Ice fighting Todd Bridges?
Well hear me out—despite never once seeing Carlton the Bear, we could actually make this movie worthwhile.
The following are the Seven Things the Toronto Maple Leafs Can Actually Learn from the Love Guru:
Aggressive CBC Hockey Night in Canada Logos
Throughout the Stanley Cup finals, CBC would use animated L.A. Kings (Yes they made the Finals—and Rob Blake was playing centre. Did I mention how great this movie was?) and Toronto Maple Leafs logos when they displayed the current standing of the series.
As the Maple Leafs fell to the Kings 1-0, 2-0, and 3-0, the Kings logo was shown shooting the Leafs' logo, hitting it in the knee cap, and just all-out abusing it.
When the Leafs' staged their "historic" comeback however, the Maple Leaf was bestowed with such sportsmanship as using a flamethrower on the Kings' logo, while when the series became tied, both resulted to lewd gestures.
Want to create more buzz around the sport with teenagers and people who like violence amongst inanimate objects? Introduce this to Versus—trust me, it will work.
A Captain with Attitude
Alright, so the movie showed the stereotypical 'street attitude' from some of the youth who idolized Roanoke, but what I noticed was that (aside from his mother), Roanoke who was a man who would stick up for himself—unless Myers told him not to fight, or it was his mother—and who wouldn't take any disrespect.
Don't get me wrong, Mats Sundin has been a great captain, and I hope he comes back for another season. But if he doesn't, I think we need to introduce a new attitude to the Leafs and have our captain be someone with an on-ice edge.
(Sidenote: In the movie, Roanoke wasn't actually captain. Number 50 was. But for some reason he never said ANYTHING.
Granted, the movie was about Roanoke, but you'd think that the captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs would at least have a line wouldn't he? Then again, he's probably an over-paid third line player, so I guess I can forgive them.)
Jessica Alba (or a woman of an equal hotness quotient) as the Owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs
Sure, the woman knows nothing about being in a good movie—although she was in the New Adventures of Flipper—or about hockey, but I think the Woz but it best:
"It'd be like if we made Jessica Alba the catcher for the Florida Marlins. It doesn't matter who you are, you'd just be distracted by 'hot' when you went up there."
Needless to say, our players don't need to be distracted by 'hot', but they need to be inspired to play for 'hot'.
Having merely described the woman as 'hot' for three paragraphs I'd like you to know that there is probably a large group of feminists after me—but that's irrelevant.
Besides, I'd rather have a "Stupid pretty girl who knows nothing about hockey" (she said this in the movie—this is not of my doing) running the team than stupid old men who know nothing about hockey and retired teachers running the team. I at least have something to look at this way.
Sidenote: I know that the whole Jane Bullard thing (Alba's character) was a stab at Harold Ballard, but there are two things wrong with this:
1) Mike Myers, you pissed off the ghost of Harold Ballard—and he was enough of a prick (God rest his soul) when he was alive.
2) We're using the last name Bullard and we can't even get a cameo from Mike Bullard? No wonder so many people don't like this movie.
Stephen Colbert as a Color Commentator
Granted, Adam Wright would prefer Stephen Colbert as the teams' General Manager, but after having Colbert divulge to a National audience that he's 'rigid' with excitement at the Stanley Cup Finals and watching him relapse into his drug problem, he needs to be part of the broadcast team.
If you need more proof, just go and watch the movie.
Joe Bowen Needs a Drug Addiction: Okay, this may be crossing a line, as Bowen is good enough on his own without 'enhancement'—but could you imagine how great it would be if Bowen and Colbert were flying around together in the press box?
Joe Bowen: Stephen, I'm so drugged up...
Stephen Colbert: You're also old, Joe.
JB: HOLY MACKINAW! I am too! Just look at my hands!
Blue Hot Dogs and Buns
They aren't really necessary for the Leafs to succeed, but I saw these in the movie and I've decided that I want more colored food! Blue Nachos! Giant blue cookies! Blue beer!
And to raise team and fan morale? Do this every day, instead of just during the Stanley Cup Finals! I mean, life isn't a movie—there's no telling if we'll ever make it there again.
A Coach who Doesn't Mince Words
Originally this was supposed to be 'Elephants to distract the other team,' as in the movie Mike Myers uses Elephants doing the 'deed' as a distraction to help Roanoke overcome his inabilities. (Inabilities on the ice! INABILITIES ON THE ICE!!!)
Needless to say, the elephant gag grew very old and very gross very quickly, and I decided that it's best if we don't let elephants do that in public during a hockey game—so instead, I decided on having a no-nonsense coach.
Despite the fact that he was centered in some very lame comedy routines, Verne Troyer was the perfect coach—he smacked around the distractions (even punching the Guru in the manliest area known to man at one point), worked to motive his players in spite of the fact they lacked their star, and always told it like it was, being honest with everyone.
We not only need a coach like this—hopefully, Ron Wilson is reading—but we need a team full of people like it, too. Ron and Cliff are good starts—now if only we could convince management to do the same.
So are the Leafs going to win the cup if they follow those seven "useful" things that came from the Love Guru? They could—but it's been forty-one years, so I wouldn't hold my breath.
Although that might be a nice alternative to watching the Love Guru—if you're going to pass out, do it intentionally, not from boredom.
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