Open Mic: G.M. Stephen Colbert's Plan For The Toronto Maple Leafs

Adam WrightSenior Analyst IJune 24, 2008


A few weeks ago, television host Stephen Colbert made the shocking announcement that he will become the new General Manager of the Toronto Maple Leafs.


Since then, the reaction of fans and media has been mixed. Some question his experience as a General Manager and his knowledge of hockey. Nonetheless, Colbert has been hard at work building a Stanley Cup winning team.


Today, he has called for a Press Conference to tell the people his progress, and where the team is going. The media and fans are jam packed in the Air Canada Center awaiting the words of the newly hired G.M. Stephen Colbert approaches the podium after pumping up the crowd.



Thank you! Thank You! Sit down please.  Thank You!


Leaf Nation, since I was a named General Manager of the Toronto Maple Leafs, I’ve been busy as a beaver. Speaking of beavers, during my time in Canada, I haven’t seen ONE beaver yet! I’ve wanted to punch one of those suckers in the face for so long.


Anyways, as G.M., my duty is to lead this team to the Glory Land. This city is “The Hockey Center of The Universe”, but it hasn’t seen a Championship in so long, I don’t even remember when, mostly because in the 60s I was in pre-school spreading my anger in the playground.


Ladies, Gentlemen and media, I’m here to say the drought is over! I’m so confident of this because thanks to my “Star Power”, I’ve managed to create the great team in Sports, starting with the coaching staff.


Folks, a coach’s job is to tell the players what to do. Plain and simple! The right coach can’t be afraid to crack the whip. By the way, the team has invested in whips. I’ve managed to find the person man for the coaching job. You may of seen him of Fox’s “24”, ladies and gentlemen, the newest Head Coach of the Toronto Maple Leafs...JACK BAUER!



Jack Bauer walks on stage with Colbert and shakes his hand.



Please don’t kill me sir.



Jack Bauer laughs and takes a sit.



You see, no one will mess with Jack Bauer!  And he is not afraid to get the job done, by any means necessary. That’s my kind of guy!


After some negotiations, I got Bauer a suitable Assistant Coach. He’s a pal of the man I gave the Colbert Bump, Mike Huckabee, you know him for his ass-kicking, I present the new Assistant Coach and Goalie Coach... CHUCK NORRIS!



Chuck Norris walks on stage and shakes the hands of Colbert and Bauer.



I hear the other teams craping their pants already! But it’s not over, there’s more. Every team needs a good medical staff, so I managed to hire the best person to lead the medical team! She plays a doctor on Grey’s Anatomy, so MUST know her stuff....KATHERINE HEIGL!



Katherine Heigl walks on stage, as the male fans goes crazy.  She shakes the hands of all 3 men on stage.



I just remembered, I’m due for a physical very soon.


Look at this team! I don’t think anyone can beat this All-star team.


Now I know what you’re all thinking, why hire celebrities? It’s simple, people love celebrities! The fans will pack in the ACC night after night, and players will want to come to Toronto! And the players will not want to fail this team. Would you want to piss THEM off? I know I wouldn’t!


Now, July 1st is coming, this means Free Agency I’m told. And I’ll be working be I-Phone trying... NO... GETTING the best players in the NHL.


The Stanley Cup is coming to Toronto. And that’s my final word!



Stephen Colbert and his All-Star team leaves the stage as the media and fans take pictures of the future of the Toronto Maple Leafs.