The following press conference was held in front of the Air Canada Center yesterday. Advancing to the podium was television personality Stephen Colbert. No one knew what this press conference was going to be about, but Colbert jumped right in by addressing the media and fans.
As you all may already know, my name is Stephen Colbert, award winning television host, bestselling author, one of the most influential people in America and the envy of all news anchors. But, I’m humble as you can see.
I know what you are all asking: “Why is Colbert here in Toronto?” I’m going to tell you! When I’m not spreading the good word on my show, rubbing my butt on Jon Stewart’s keyboard, or screaming at Democrats who are on my lawn (or rubbing my butt on Democrats who are on my lawn), I enjoy watching a good game of hockey. That’s right Tiger Woods, Colbert watches hockey! EAT IT!
As I watched the excitement of the Stanley Cup finals and saw the Detroit Red Wings win that Cup, I couldn’t help to think to myself... I want that Cup!
How do I get my hands on that Stanley Cup? I could steal it, like Bush “allegedly” stole the 2000 elections, but that’s not my style... I leave that to the professionals! The only way to win is to be a part of a winning team.
So yesterday, I took my skates out of my closet and went to my local rink. After 3 hours, I decided that I cannot win the Stanley Cup on my behind! If I can’t be a part of a team on the ice... what about off the ice?
Now today, here I am in Toronto! I hear that this is “The Hockey Center of The Universe,” and this place is looking for someone to lead the way. Today, I am officially announcing... that I, Stephen Colbert, will be the NEW General Manager of the Toronto Maple Leafs!
The crowd reacts to this news. There’s a lot of cheering by fans.
Thank You! Yes, this is perfect! Stephen Colbert in the hockey center of the world! I’m not going to say this makes me God... but it’s pretty damn close! I promise you I’m the right man for the job. Successful? CHECK! Rich? CHECK! Popular? CHECK! A winner? CHECK CHECK! Failure is not an option under my regime.
As GM I will be tough on my players. You want a no trade clause? Then win, and you won’t be traded. See...simple! And I’m not afraid to fight management. You all see what I did to Conan O’Brien? It wasn’t pretty.
Now most importantly, how will I deal with the media? Again, it’s simple, I’ll be brutally honest. That’s how I roll, if you can’t take it, toughen up! I’ll throw some random opinions right here.
Don Cherry, everyone loves a nice suit, but you look like you were dressed by Elton John and Prince! See, brutally honest and straight to the point. Another, Boston Bruins... how dare you have a BEAR as your logo? One day that bear will pop up and eat your face off.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you now. Gary Bettman, sir, wear some platforms! You’re the commissioner for God’s sake, a leader should stand tall or he won’t succeed. Just ask Dennis Kucinich. You see people, I hold nothing back.
Leaf Nation, this organization deserves better. At least that’s what I hear by the media...and they're never wrong! Toronto... get ready for the Colbert Bump!
Thank you, and Stanley... I’ll see you next year.
Stephen Colbert leaves the podium as the media and fans take pictures of the new General Manager of the Toronto Maple Leafs.