Merry Christmas! Your 2011 WWE Royal Rumble Preview
Who will win the Royal Rumble? hint: not Hornswoggle.
Normally, for those of you not familiar with my work, I like to do fantasy yet realistic predictions of the pay-per-views. For example, Bound for Glory, Hell in a Cell and Survivor Series are good examples of my style of picking.
TLC was one of the better pay-per-views of the year.
I will take a look at the Royal Rumble in the TD Banknorth Garden in Boston. This is arguably the second most important PPV (No. 1 is rather obvious) on the WWE's calendar.
Countless classic moments have come out of this event since its inception in 1988. John Cena coming back from a torn pectoral muscle in 2008, Edge coming back from a torn achilles in 2010 and an epic casket match between Shawn Michaels and Undertaker in 1998, in which HBK won.
It's an all-time favorite for many fans because the element of surprise not only happens, it is expected. Who's going to come out of nowhere to win the Royal Rumble? That's a commonly asked question in the minds of fans. The Royal Rumble winner is guaranteed a title shot at WrestleMania.
Stone Cold Steve Austin has the record for most Royal Rumble victories with three.
Who will win the 2011 Royal Rumble? Will the Miz successfully defend his belt against his old tag team partner? Will Edge retain the WHC against an enraged Kane?
So many questions, so many predictions.
Alex Riley Vs. Daniel Bryan (C) for the United States Championship
Will Alex Riley stand out and become US Champion?
After watching the KOTR Raw, it seems to me Alex Riley will start feuding with Daniel Bryan for the United States Championship. After TLC, Riley will win a number one contender's match on a Raw to get to this match.
In my opinion Riley has all the tools to be a star: look, size, in ring ability, mic ability and a devastating finisher (any form of the F5 is devastating in my book). The only thing he lacks is a quality gimmick. His varsity villain gimmick has been gradually phased out in favor of a lackey role.
Daniel Bryan and Alex Riley's past history should make for an intense and personal feud. Bryan's history with the Miz will also be in play here. Michael Cole will be in the middle of this feud as well. Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole could very well still be feuding by this time. Matt Striker will have to actually provide quality, unbiased insight into the match.
The match itself is similar to any other opening match with Daniel Bryan. It's 10 minutes of high quality action. In other words, the IWC is cheering wildly for their hero.
Jerry Lawler rips the Miz, Michael Cole, Alex Riley and that ugly sweatshirt the fat guy to his right is wearing. He prevents Cole from interfering in the match several times. The ref takes notice as well. Nevertheless, it's not Cole who interferes, it's the Miz. He hits a Skull Crushing Finale on Bryan to pick up the win for Riley.
Winner (and new champion): Alex Riley
After the match, Jim Ross and Jack Swagger (both Oklahoma guys) save Lawler and Bryan and beat down on Cole, Miz and Riley. This gives a face turn for Swagger and moves him to Raw. A face turn is more suited to his All-American character and a revitalization of his career. This puts Cole out of the announce table and good ole' JR in it.
This leads to an epic Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler vs. Michael Cole feud at WM 27. Just guess who will be wrestling (hint: not Miz).
Natalya (C) Vs. Melina for the Divas Championship
Who wins the Divas championship?
Melina turned to the dark side after slapping Natalya senseless on Raw.
But come to think of it, it's a battle of values. It's a battle of differing cultures, countries and lifestyles. Canada vs. Los Angeles.
Melina the showy, flashy Los Angeles native vs. Natalya the technical, strong Calgary native.
Oh, forget all that stuff above. This match will go 10 minutes and the fans will be on their feet. Trust me when I say this will be an awesome match.
Natalya wins not by the sharpshooter, but by a quick pin.
Winner (and retaining): Natalya
Santino and Kozlov (C) Vs. Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel
Remember when there were real tag teams?
This is for the tag team belts, which changed hands because of a man's orders. Tag team belts that have been passed around aimlessly to the latest random pairing of the month.
Tragically, the disease of anti-tag teamism has spread to Vince McMahon's office.
The afterthought known as the tag division will be rejuvenated by a clown and a Russian jobber.
Nexus will cool off by then, but Slater and Gabriel can return to face Santino and Kozlov at the Royal Rumble.
On a side note, I actually believe Slater and Gabriel can be a very good tag team. Just give them a manager to do all the talking for them. And I mean all the talking.
As for the match, Kozlov will eat a 450 splash and therefore lose the bronze belts to the Nexus.
Winner (and new champions): Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel
Rey Mysterio Vs. Alberto Del Rio in a Lucha Libre Match
Their match on free TV.
Rey Mysterio vs. Alberto Del Rrrrrrrrrrrrio
La "chihuahua" vs. El mexicano rico
For those of you keeping score, this is the third time I have suggested to WWE to have this Del Rio-Mysterio Lucha Libre style match at a PPV. Mexican (and American) fans will clamor to buy a much anticipated match. For those of you not familiar with a Lucha Libre-style match, it is basically a two out of three falls match with lots of interference.
To help out with the interference, we'll have luchadore legend La Parka guest referee the match. Mexico would want to flood the television screens to watch this match.
WWE can use this feud to expand their reach into Mexico. This match can build the Mexican audience to record levels.
And this is an intense feud. This is not just a feud between two men. It's a feud between rich and poor; good and evil. It's a feud between the common man and the noble man. It's a feud to see who really is the best luchador en Mexico today.
For the first fall, Del Rio dominates for 15 minutes until Rey gets a quick roll-up for the enthusiastic three count.
For the second fall, another five minutes of brawling ensues. Del Rio then finds Mysterio on the ground. He takes the arm and puts Rey in the MMA cross armbreaker. Rey chooses tapping out over getting his arm broken.
For the third fall, countless near falls put the crowd on edge. "Rey Mysterio!" The Boston crowd chants as Del Rio is putting him in a arm bar. Rey does not disappoint the crowd and gets some offense in. Both men are muy cansado, or very tired. But the pride of Mexico trumps any personal fatigue.
Del Rio takes advantage of the Lucha Libre rules and runs out and drives his car onto the ring. He throws Mysterio behind the car.
Del Rio goes in reverse and tries to run him over! It's not PG at all. But the crowd could care less. It's epic! Del Rio misses and Rey somehow grabs the window and hits a 619!
Rey opens the door and throws Del Rio into the ring. He thinks he has it but no! Del Rio puts him in the cross arm breaker just as Rey was about to pin him. Rey's arm is "snapped" off and he passes out in pain.
"1! 2! 3!" The rich Mexicans chant.
Winner: Alberto Del Rio
After the match, Christian comes out and steals Del Rio's car. Always got to lock the car. Rey Mysterio can take time off until WrestleMania.
Sheamus Vs. Triple H in a Last Man Standing Match
It's a war
I don't know about you but I'm thrilled about the climax of a Triple H and Sheamus feud. There is at least a month long time frame in between TLC and Royal Rumble. Triple H will come back at some point in the future and feud with Sheamus. They can do their King vs. King business.
He will also reveal himself as the Raw GM at some point. I'll save you some words and say this match will be brutal.
Fast forward 25-30 minutes, Triple H drills Sheamus with his trademark sledgehammer. But Bill Goldberg comes out of NOWHERE and spears Triple H. He then hits a jackknife powerbomb to take him down. Sheamus is able to stand up at nine.
Sheamus then uses Triple H's sledgehammer to finish the job.
This sets up a Triple H-Goldberg match at WrestleMania. WWE's heir vs. WCW's superstar. Winner becomes Raw GM.
John Morrison Vs. Miz (C) for the WWE Championship
Can the awesome one defend the belt against Morrison?
The Miz-Morrison feud looking to take place after Miz finishes up with Randy Orton. This should be a WrestleMania match as well. It doesn't require too many words to say this feud is a long time coming. We all know the past history of both these men.
Who's the Marty Jannety? Who's the Shawn Michaels? We'll find out after this match.
Morrison and Miz have excellent chemistry in the ring. WWE officials recognize that. Therefore it should be one great match. Give them 25 minutes and it can be a classic.
Miz kicks out of Starship Pain while Morrison kicks out of the Skull Crushing Finale.
Of course Miz cheats to win by having Michael Cole distract Morrison while Miz smacks Morrison with the title belt, and then hits the Skull Crushing Finale to infuriate the Internet fans.
Winner (and retaining): The Miz
Edge (C) Vs Kane for the World Heavyweight Championship
Will Kane regain the holy grail against the Rated R Supertar?
I know the Survivor Series match was boring. I know Edge won at TLC. I know Kane will get a rematch at Royal Rumble.
Comparing brands, Edge is a much more credible champion than the Miz.
This feud is just personal. Edge came out on top of the TLC match over Kane, Alberto Del Rio and Rey Mysterio.
Let's skip the first 15 minutes. Let's get to the good part. Kane is about to hit a tombstone on Edge. Until the arena darkens and the gong rings.
The Undertaker is back!
Spear! Spear! Spear!
Winner (and retaining): Edge
Undertaker beats down on Kane after the match.
Royal Rumble Prediction
Based off my estimations, two hours and fifteen minutes will have already elapsed by the conclusion of this match.
If you are good at math, the main event has 45 minutes to finish.
Without further ado, the winner of the Royal Rumble is...
He comes out of a concussion and is your 2011 Royal Rumble winner!
Before Jericho wins the Rumble, CM Punk comes out from the announcer's table to eliminate John Cena after Cena destroyed Barrett for five whole minutes. Evan Bourne returns next and hits an Air Bourne on Punk. Christian comes out and eliminates Bourne, Punk and Del Rio.
"Break down the walls!" The music blares as Jericho is entrant No. 25. The parasitic hypocrites go nuts in shock. Nobody cares who the rest of the entrants are because Y2J is definitely winning. He throws Christian over the ropes.
Y2J beats out 29 other guys to win the Royal Rumble. Other notable wrestlers Jericho overcomes include Christian and Evan Bourne. Jericho throws out an exhausted Randy Orton (No. 4 entry) to win the Royal Rumble.
Jericho then cuts a promo about how the WWE Championship is his and he is going after whoever has it. He says Miz is a cheap ripoff of him and Randy Orton is mentally ill. His hair is a bit longer than usual. He is back to his Y2J gimmick, except he is saving the fans from the Era of Awesome.
A classic Jericho promo caps off the Royal Rumble. Boston fans leave the arena happy. The TV viewers turn off their TVs satisfied. The IWC whines about how Morrison should have won.
Who do you think will win the Royal Rumble? IT DOESN'T MA- TIMEOUT! TIMEOUT! YOU CAN'T JUST SING ALONG WITH THE JEFF! YOU LOST YOUR SING ALONG PRIVILEGES.