Al Davis' Shocking Oakland Raiders Press Conference Transcript (Satire)

Jeff LeetsCorrespondent IApril 19, 2010

ALAMEDA, CA - SEPTEMBER 30:  Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis speaks during a press conference to announce the firing of head coach Lane Kiffin of the Oakland Raiders at thier training facility on Septemer 30, 2008 in Alameda, California.  (Photo by Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images)
Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images

Press Conference began at 1:35PM PST

Al Davis:  "I have asked you here today so that you can be the first to hear it from me and convey this information through the appropriate channels. 

Over the past 40 years I have held this team to high standards and my only goal in life was to create a winning atmosphere that was comprised of a team of men that were as dedicated to it as I was.  Unfortunately I seldom found that but when I did the results were magical. 

I have seen the world, people and this sport go through change but have stuck to my way of doing things for one reason, it's my team.  I have not ever felt the need to explain my actions or to ask for help as I am completely knowledgeable of the game and what it takes to win. 

Over the past few years my health has diminished to a point that the stresses of running the team and doing all the things I normally do have taken their toll on me.  This game and the people involved with it have changed and the dinosaurs like myself are a dying breed. 

I now realize that and hope to save whatever true fans we have left.  I pray that we can somehow make our fans understand that once this change takes place that I will completely surrender full control to my son and will only give my advice if asked to do so as I want this wonderful organization to be his. 

So effective immediately my son Mark will have full control of the organization and complete say of it's decisions on personnel, staff, etc.  I'd like to thank the supporters that I have left that have stood by me all of these years and thank the fans for staying with us while I went through a rough spot and made some very poor decisions for our team.  So without further delay, I introduce to you the new Owner and General Manager, Mark Davis."

(Applause and chaos filled the room.  Many faces had a confused look)

Mark Davis:  "Thank You Very Much.  Also, please give another round of applause to my father.  Thank You. 

Ladies and Gentlemen I am here today to guarantee our fans that a new wave is coming and since I don't like to talk about what were going to do I will just do it and keep you updated as I can.  I appreciate all of your support and promise Raider Nation that we are back. 

I have printed out a list of things that we have done and plan to do and those things already have or will happen.  If you look on the screen here I have the same thing you do and will go through the moves we have or are going to make:

No. 1
Jamarcus Russell has been dropped from the team's roster effective immediately.

No. 2
We have made a trade with the Eagles for Micheal Vick.  We have given them a fourth rounder this year and a fifth rounder next year and they will pay this year's salary.

No. 3
We have traded our first round pick in this year's draft to the Washington Redskins and now have the fourth pick.  We have given them our eighth pick and a third round pick next season along with cash for this.

No. 4
We will be picking the best offensive linemen on the board with that pick.  Make no mistake about it.  Unless for some reason Sam Bradford is still on the board we need to start developing a line to protect our skill players.

No. 5
With our second round pick we plan on picking up the best Defensive Linemen possible unless any other trades are made or a player on the board is just too good to pass up.  The rest of the draft is a work in progress but we will keep you updated as we can.

No. 6
We have ended our lease effective April of 2011 and this will be our last year playing in Oakland.  We have been guaranteed that the new stadium in Los Angeles will be done and will be ours.  Los Angeles now will have a football team and the revenue it will generate for the team, the NFL and the city is more than double what it currently does.

No. 7
We currently have a call into the Tennessee Titans and have heard back from them on the Haynesworth to Oakland deal.  We are in the process of waiting for his physical and after that we will report the deal's fine print and as soon as it happens but Albert has already said he is looking forward to playing in a Raider uniform and can't wait until it's finalized.

I appreciate all of your attention during this press conference and as I said, I am not big on talking so I nor my father will be fielding any questions.  Thank you again and see you soon."

(If only it were true).