So what have I been doing these last few weeks. Not much, certainly not any writing. But now I’m back with a vengeance and ready to go especially since my secret plot to blackmail David Letterman has been foiled.
So while my hot lawyer from the Czech Republic, Ivana Sue, tries her best to keep me out of prison, I think it's time to churn out another critically acclaimed edition of the Joke-A-Thon!
8:01 It’s time for the ESPN pre-game show and Chris Berman has the eye of the tiger! He’s ready ladies and gentleman! The man is ready...to bludgeon you to death with about 1,000 bad puns, bad jokes, and bad metaphors.
Which reminds me, no one laughs harder at unfunny jokes more than Berman’s sidekick, Tom Jackson. He constantly amazes me. Its pretty obvious Jackson studied under the master, the honorable Kevin Eubanks.
8:02 Two minutes into the show and this is already shaping up to be a Brett Favre love-fest. Since I see how this night is headed, I’ve decided to record the number of times Favre’s name gets mentioned before the kickoff and compare it to the number of times Packers QB Aaron Rodgers name gets mentioned.
Gee, I wonder who will win!
8:20 Apparently Brett Favre must have died or something because ESPN just did a moving tribute to him complete with childhood photos and sad music. Poor Michael Jackson. All he had was a lousy tribute at the BET Awards and Madonna giving a self-indulgent tribute speech at the MTV VMAs!
8:21 This just in! Brett Favre is not dead! I repeat! Brett Favre is not dead!
8:22 Cris Carter just said this about the electrifying Viking rookie Percy Harvin:
“When he gets the ball, it can happen and it can happen fast!”
WOW! Great analysis Cris! Please keep it up! In fact I plan on using that killer line the next time I meet a girl in a bar:
“So why don’t we go back to my place. I got a bottle of Ketel One. And let me tell you something, after I drink Ketel One baby it can happen and it can happen fast!”
8:30 Pink is the color of the night as some players are wearing pink wristbands, cleats, and sideline caps in order to raise awareness for breast cancer. I strongly support their cause. And to show my support, I’m currently sitting on my couch drinking a nice tall glass of pink lemonade!
8:37 Is it possible for Jon Gruden to talk without giving you that “intense” look that he’s so famous for? He’s in the booth now and he’s giving the audience that “intense” look. Either that or he’s extremely constipated. Either way, every time he scrunches up his face like that he looks just like the violent, adulterous husband from the Lifetime Movie Of The Week!
8:38 Mike Tirico just said that tonight’s game has “so many storylines!”
OH REALLY QUENTIN TARANTINO? NAME ANOTHER STORYLINE FOR TONIGHT’S GAME THAT DOESN’T HAVE THE NAME BRETT FAVRE IN IT...
8:40 ...STILL WAITING TIRICO! STILL WAITING!
8:41 Kathie Lee Gifford was nice enough to let her husband Frank out of the house so that he could film yet ANOTHER moving tribute to Brett Favre! This one is dedicated to the night Favre played the Raiders the day after his father died. I’m happy that he played a great game during a period of immense grief, but let’s stop with all the hyperbolic talk about him being “courageous” (Frank’s words).
First of all, it's impossible for anybody to do something courageous without first sacrificing something. What Pat Tillman did was courageous. What Favre did wasn’t and if ESPN keeps this up I’m 1000 percent sure I’m going to be drinking Ketel One with my pink lemonade before this night’s over!
8:42 As promised, the final tally for tonight’s pre-game Favre-Meter is:
Brett Favre-43, Aaron Rodgers-12. That means Favre’s name was mentioned 43 times in 39 minutes, 29 when you subtract the commercials. DAMN! That’s a whole lot of Brett Favre!
8:44 Did you know Favre has a steakhouse in Green Bay? Kinda weird if you ask me. I wonder if they serve their eggs “benedict?" Get it? Like Benedict Arnold?
Sorry. Chris Berman wrote that joke!
8:47 Aaron Rodgers just completed a pass to Donald Driver (great porn name by the way). First down Packers!
8:49 Ron Jaworski just said that Packers TE JerMichael Finley “plays great in space.”
IN YO’ FACE BUZZ ALDRIN! YOU AINT GOT NOTHING ON MY BOY JERMICHAEL!
8:51 Time for a commercial break. It might turn out to be craptastic but DAMN, the trailer for 2012 just made my jaw drop.
8:59 Arguably the biggest reason why I simply don’t trust this team is because I don’t think Brad Childress is a good coach. I just don’t. In fact he doesn’t even look like the head coach of a professional football team. Just look at him with that scratchy beard. He looks like he should be teaching driver’s ed or something.
9:03 TOUCHDOWN VIKINGS! Favre just threw a TD pass across his body to Visanthe “The Package” Shiancoe! 7-0 Vikings.
9:06 Jon Gruden just finished describing Favre’s touchdown pass and I swear it reminded me of Meg Ryan during that deli scene in “When Harry Met Sally.”
I’LL HAVE WHAT JON’S HAVING!
9:09 My dad, who’s watching the game with me, just got annoyed at this Brett Favre love-fest. He just said this:
“I’m rooting for the Packers because I’m sick of all this talk about Brett Favre. They act like he’s the greatest thing in the world. I bet if he walked out on the field, pulled down his pants, and peed in the endzone, those people would say, look at the beautiful arch of his pee. Isn’t it wonderful?”
9:10 Rodgers interrupts my dad and hits Jermichael Finley for a 67-yard TD. Tie game 7-7.
9:12 I just decided that I like Jermichael Finley. He’s tall, very athletic, and is the first person to ever be named after Jermaine Jackson, Michael Jackson, and Michael Finley!
9:25 Great catch by Greg Jennings who caught a ball that deflected off of Donald Driver followed by Brad Childress’ hilarious inability to throw the red challenge flag!
9:26 Replays show that Jennings didn’t actually catch the ball. Something tells me that Green Bay will use this momentum to make Minnesota pay.
9:27 Interception by Antoine Winfield! So, um...nevermind.
9:29 Time for a commercial break. Danica Patrick was just pulled over for speeding by a cop who looks like a Playboy model in this commercial for GoDaddy.com. That cop looks like she seriously wants to make out with Danica. What the hell is GoDaddy.com anyway? A web portal? A porn site? Ah, who the hell cares! KISS HER! KISS HER!
9:32 Time for a game-break with ESPN’s Trey Wingo. He informs us that Eli Manning is day-to-day with plantar fasciitis. Eli’s injury on Sunday against the Chiefs was the second goofiest, self-inflicted injury by a quarterback of all time.
Hey Gus Frerotte, no need to bang your head against a wall. YOU’RE STILL NUMBER ONE BABY!
9:39 TOUCHDOWN, FAVRE TO SIDNEY RICE! Favre pump-faked to his left and as he was backtracking, fired a bullet to Rice. In other words, vintage Brett Favre. Vikings 14-7.
9:51 BIG TIME PLAY BY PACKER LINEBACKER CLAY MATTHEWS WHO STRIPS ADRIAN PETERSON AND RUNS IT BACK FOR THE GAME-TYING TOUCHDOWN! I’M SO EXCITED I CAN’T STOP TYPING IN CAPS!
10:00 I’m a big fan of Percy Harvin. Not just because he’s the league’s most exciting rookie but also because he brought back the name “Percy.” That was a great name for the brothers back in the '70s (i.e. Percy Sledge famous for the R&B ballad "When A Man Loves A Woman"). It just sounds like the name of one of J.J.’s friends from Good Times or one the bad guys in a Pam Grier blaxploitation movie. I
n fact what Percy Harvin should do is grow his hair out to a big afro and grow some sideburns like Shaft. And during his interviews he could talk like this:
“Hey, listen here blood. Dig this. If you think we gon’ let the Green Bay Packers win on our home field you must be one jive turkey!”
10:00 After Peterson’s fumble, Favre comes right back. He just fired a 42-yard pass to Percy Harvin. Cris Carter is back in the ESPN studio screaming, “WHAT DID I TELL YOU HUH? WHAT DID I TELL YOU? IT JUST HAPPENED AND IT HAPPENED FAST!”
10:01 Percy Harvin is one bad mother, SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
10:03 Jaws just announced that Favre is bringing ENERGY and INTENSITY to this game. Jaws also said that Favre united the Vikings locker room, the state of Minnesota, and just this past weekend he united Iran and Israel.
Okay, I made that last one up.
10:06 I swear to God that Jon Gruden just said this about Favre: “I LOVED being associated with that guy and I MISS HIM!”
10:07 Gruden follows that up by belting out the chorus to Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You!”
Okay I made that up.
10:29 Favre just completed a 26-yard pass to backup TE Jeff Dugan. I’m not saying that the Packers rush defense stinks but Favre had so much time in the pocket that he retired, flew back to Mississippi, filmed a commercial for Wrangler jeans, filmed another commercial for Sears, wrote a letter of apology to Eric Mangini, punched a friend of LeBron James, signed Michael Crabtree, appeared on an episode of Glee, called a press conference, un-retired, and THEN found Dugan wide open for a 25-yard pass.
In other words, the Packers rush defense stinks!
10:30 Favre to Bernard Berrian, TOUCHDOWN VIKES! With the exception of his Super Bowl win, I think tonight is shaping up to be the finest moment of his career. 28-14.
10:48 Donald Lee just dropped a touchdown pass on 4th-and-1. Yikes.
10:49 The Packers just failed to score a touchdown on four plays inside the Vikings ten-yard line.
HEY MIKE MCCARTHY! JIM ZORN JUST CALLED. HE WANTS HIS PLAYBOOK BACK!
10:56 Time for a commercial break. I am currently imagining myself as Vince Vaughn’s agent talking to him over the phone:
“Hey Vince, remember when you said you needed to do a terrible movie for a lot of money because you’re hurting for cash?”
“Yeah, so what you got Keith? Huh? Huh? What you got? I need the money baby! What is it huh? Wedding Crashers 2? Dodgeball 2? The Break Up 2?”
“Nah. This one is even worse. I mean it’s the worst script I’ve read this year but you’ll make a lot of money. It’s called...COUPLES RETREAT!”
“Yeah baby! That’s what I’m talking about! You da man Keith!”
11:00 You know it's funny how Jaws keeps referring to Adrian Peterson as a “violent” running back. What does that mean? Is he going to jump out of the bushes and stab somebody like O.J.? Is he going to pull out a gun and shoot A.J. Hawk like Billy Blanks in The Last Boy Scout?
11:17 And Rodgers is sacked again! This time for a safety. That’s seven times he’s been sacked tonight and the 19th time he’s been sacked this year. WOW! Rodgers has spent more time on his back than Paris Hilton!
11:24 Rodgers just found Jordy Nelson for a touchdown. The 2-point conversion fails. Vikings 30, Packers 20
11:24 Wait a minute...Jordy Nelson?...didn’t he used to be a member of the Backstreet Boys?
11:45 Ballgame: The Pack tack on a cheap field goal but, ultimately, they go down in flames: 30-23. Fantastic game for Brett Favre: 21-for-24, 271 yards, and three touchdowns. Aaron Rodgers, in spite of running for his life more times than Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, finished with a career-high 384 yards. But don't be fooled, Rodgers held onto the ball for too long, thus the eight sacks.
11:46 Favre and Rodgers talk briefly at midfield. I don't know what they're saying but I'm hoping that their dialogue matches the Kung Fu-inspired dialogue that's in my head.
Favre: "You betrayed me young grasshopper. So I had to teach you a lesson!"
Rodgers: "Please forgive me Master Favre. I am so ashamed."
Favre: "I shall let you live this time. But in one month, we will meet again. And at that time, we shall fight, to the death!"
11:47 The Brett Favre love-fest comes to a merciful end. As Favre is leaving the field he blows a kiss to his wife Deanna. Tirico, Gruden, and Jaws must have thought that kiss was meant for them because they all fainted at the same time!
Okay, Okay I made that up too!