Every NFL Team Has Announced a Sponsorship (Satire)

Samantha CookeCorrespondent IJune 22, 2009


The New York Giants recently announced their partnership with Timex. Timex will give them money for a practice facility and the Giants will put a patch on their practice jerseys.

This got me thinking...what if every NFL team had a sponsor? Here are my suggestions for all the teams' sponsors.


Detroit Lions: Netzero because they net zero wins.

Green Bay Packers: Swiss Army so they can stab their players in the back with a knife (ala Brett Favre).

Minnesota Vikings: Allstate, because you're in good hands on a cruise ship with the Vikings.

Chicago Bears: Sylvania Light Bulbs, when they're on, they're on; when they're off, they're off.

Philadelphia Eagles: Gas X. sometimes the pressure is too much.

Dallas Cowboys: Mattel Barbies, because their cheerleaders are more famous than their team.

New York Giants: Visine, get the red out of that jersey!

Washington Redskins: General Motors. After all, they both went to the wrong people for help.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Disneyworld, because it's an adventure to go to their field.

New Orleans Saints: American Red Cross Disaster Relief, they had to get down to New Orleans eventually.

Atlanta Falcons: PETA to keep Michael Vick out and save face after Vick.

Carolina Panthers: Left Hand Trading Company, because they are never right.

Seattle Seahawks: Zoloft, Seattle is the No. 1 city for depression and suicide.

Arizona Cardinals: The Republican Party, because they both lost their only chance at a victory.

St. Louis Rams: The Brown Paper Bag Company, because with that team, their fans will need them.

San Francisco 49ers: Bank of America, when you have too many quarter(backs), sometimes you need a refund.

Oakland Raiders: Halloween USA, because their fans are scarier than the actual team.

Kansas City Chiefs: Sonic, it's America's Drive Thru and let's face it: so is the Chiefs Defensive Line.

San Diego Chargers: In N Out Burger, because that's how they are in the playoffs.

Denver Broncos: Singulair, there's only one way to control that mountain air.

New England Patriots: Sony, it's all the same when you're taping it.

Miami Dolphins: Comedy Central, the storyline keeps you interested, but the punchline (ending) makes you laugh.

New York Jets: UHAUL, we'll move you to your own stadium for less.

Buffalo Bills: Kleenex, now that Terrell Owens is on the team, they will need them.

Houston Texans: Tampax, those red jerseys look like used tampons (see above).

Tennessee Titans: Depends, for the oldest team in the league.

Jacksonville Jaguars: The FBI. After all, they already know the whole team on a first-name basis.

Indianapolis Colts: Indianapolis 500 because it's bigger than the Colts.

Cincinnati Bengals: Skyline Chili, some things give you the runs; some things just run away.

Baltimore Ravens: Goodyear Tires, they need something to pass to.

Cleveland Browns: UPS, can brown do anything for you?

Pittsburgh Steelers: Band Aid because that's what they need to give to their opponents.


I hope you enjoyed my fake sponsors, feel free to suggest any of your own!