Athletes Who Missed out on Obvious Endorsement Opportunities
Who wants to get rich? Who wants to make enough money to skeet-shoot Ming vases and throw porterhouses to the homeless?
I do. You do. But it isn't easy.
You need a brand—a persona—to sell, and you need exposure to get your product across.
Who has these things? Athletes. Unfortunately, many of them are missing out on obvious endorsement deals due to pride or the sandbagging NCAA.
The following are athletes missing out on conspicuous endorsement deals, and it's high time they embraced reality and seized some carp.
There might always be money in the banana stand, but there's millions to be made in the Jabari Bar business.
Manny Pacquiao Beds and Pillows
Over a year has passed since this moment, and I still think Pacquiao is missing out on some key opportunities in the bedding industry.
Adrian Peterson Peanuts
Adrian Peterson selling orange peanuts is the only way anyone will eat orange peanuts.
He's already done so much for the brand, it only makes sense.
Knowshon Moreno Shampoo
When life gives you lemons, use them to make a shampoo that burns children's eyes.
By refusing to seize some carp and capitalize on his teary pregame moment, Knowshon Moreno is only keeping dollars out of his own pocket. All he needs is a fun, parent-friendly slogan for the marketing campaign.
Something like "Knowshampoo: Waterboard them with cleanliness."
Patrick Kane Cabs
Providing full service from the suburbs to the Madhouse on Madison, Kane's Cabs would provide Chicago Blackhawks fans with a night on the town they'll never forget. Or be able to expunge from their record.
Coco Crisp Cereal
The Oakland A's have already given out Coco Crisp cereal bowls to kids, so I blame Coco Crisp's people for not being able to put together a reprehensibly sugary breakfast food to fill them with.
Empty bowls and sad kids? Don't Oliver Twist the children, Coco.
Jabari Parker Candy Bars
Jabari Parker will make enough money to clothe his grandchildren in Andy Warhol paintings if he's smart enough to monetize his tasty treats.
No one in the world is begging for his own brand of light beer with a hint of lime more than Johnny Manziel. He practically screams for it.
But as long as Manziel is playing ball, Johnny Brewskis will have to wait. In the meantime, however, he can still hawk his own line of cologne with hints of fraternity floorboard and top notes of hamster cage.
Karl Malone Mobile Phones
Fashion is cyclical, people. Throwback phones are about to come back around.
Proof? Look in the sitting room of every suburban household. What's that sitting there on the dusty pedestal under the framed Beatles album? A $100 faux-vintage rotary dial phone.
So it stands to reason that Karl Malone could make a serious challenge to Apple if he takes the mobile phone game by storm with a line of anti-tech flip phones. He understands that these "masterpieces" are flippable hunks of living art.
Join me on Twitter. We're going to be rich.