Super Bowl XLII: The Definitive Tom Brady Interview

The following confrontation may or may not have happened today in Foxboro. 

The transcript might have been taken from a video recorded on a cell phone camera that may or may not exist. 

Bleacher Report does not confirm the validity of this transcript or endorse its contents in any way. 

Frankly, we’re not even sure who SeanMC is or how he got a Bleacher Report account. 

We apologize for his continued existence.

(The video opens in the Gillette Stadium parking lot—SeanMC ambushes Tom Brady and prevents him from getting into his car.)

SeanMC: Tom! Hey, do you have a minute?

Tom Brady (looking disgusted): Get away from me.

SeanMC: I’d like to interview you for my column on Bleacher Report.

TB: What the hell’s a Bleacher Report? 

SeanMC: Not important. Come on Tom, just a few questions?

TB:  Are you stalking me? Wasn’t that you in the men’s room earlier today?

SeanMC: Yes, it was.

TB: If I answer a few questions, will you leave me alone?

SeanMC: Potentially.

TB (pulling out his cell phone): OK, you have until the police show up.

SeanMC: Sweet! I’ll make the Top Writer section for this!

TB: Whatever gets you off.

SeanMC: Speaking of getting you off, which ass do you spend more time looking at, Dan Koppen’s or Gisele Bundchen’s?

TB: [stunned silence]

SeanMC: Why aren’t you at practice today? I asked Bill Belichick, but he almost ran me over with his car. Apparently, he doesn’t respect my Bleacher Report credentials either.

TB: You’re not the first one Coach has tried to run over with a car. Why do you think he and Randy Moss get along so well?

SeanMC: Touché. I’ve seen your girlfriend in her underwear; it’s only fair that you get to see my wife in hers. When can we arrange this?

TB (looking at his watch): Jesus, I thought 911 was for emergencies...

SeanMC: I saw a picture on the web of Lawrence Maroney kissing another man. Does it make you uncomfortable to have him lining up behind you every play?

TB: That’s why we’re always in the shotgun...

SeanMC: What do you think of Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson reportedly breaking up?

TB: Who’s Tony Romo?

SeanMC: Exactly. Is Gisele smarter than Jessica Simpson?

TB: This walking boot I’m wearing is smarter than Jessica Simpson.

SeanMC: What’s with the walking boot, anyway?

TB: I’m endorsing their product, so I’m testing it out during the bye week. It’s the only thing my agent could find that Peyton Manning wasn’t already endorsing.

(Sirens are heard in the distance.)

TB: Thank God...

SeanMC: OK, last question. Who is most responsible for your development as a starting quarterback?

TB: Mo Lewis.

SeanMC: Good answer.

At this point the cops arrive and SeanMC is dragged into the back of a police car. 

During the struggle, the tape fades to black.