MMA: The 25 Worst Nicknames in History

Is it really possible to have too much of a good thing?

Yes. Peoples' Exhibit A: MMA fighter nicknames.

Like some kind of low-grade autoimmune disorder, nicknames seem to be reproducing out of control and smothering everything in their paths. At this point, it’s almost taboo not to have one, as if other fighters wonder what’s wrong with you behind your back if you go by your birth handle.

When do we, as a society, say enough is enough? For me, that time is now. Maybe this isn't as important on the cause meter as, say, fighting an actual disease, but it's close enough that I don't think we need to quibble about it.

In any event, these 25 nicknames are examples of forcing a square (sometimes very square) nickname into a round hole. Whether it's bad puns or bad advice, these are the worst of the worst. And I, for one, am excited to be raising awareness.

25. Cuki “The Flying Cockroach” Alvarez

Most recent promotion:  PXC
Division: Lightweight
Record: 4-0

I bet this nickname really attracts the ladies. So you're THE flying cockroach!

24. Anything Containing the Word "Assassin"

Barely edging out "Pit Bull" as the most overused nickname in MMA. Congrats to the following fighters who helped make it happen:

-- Houston "The Assassin" Alexander
-- Mike "The Assassin" Lindquist
-- Josh "The Babyfaced Assassin" Barnett
-- Melvin "The Young Assassin" Guillard
-- Sokoudjou "The African Assassin"
-- Luke "The Silent Assassin" Cummo (Quick aside: As of right now, I dub him "The Urinator")
-- Phillipe "The Filipino Assassin" Nover

23. C.B. “The Doberman” Dolloway

Photo credit: MMATKO

Promotion:  UFC
Division:  Middleweight
Record:  11-3

This one smacks of a self-conferred handle. Any nickname you think of on your own is lame. It's like giving yourself a trophy. 

This one also smacks of laziness. I suspect he realized that "Pit Bull" was already overused, so he just went with what he felt was the next-most-threatening dog breed. 

22. Pat “HD” Barry

Photo credit: MMATKO

Promotion:  UFC
Division: Heavyweight
Record: 6-2

I know it means “Hype or Die,” which is actually pretty cool. But there’s no way to avoid thinking about high definition television when you read or hear this. And while HDTV provides sharper resolution and a far brighter picture than traditional television, it's not all that scintillating of a nickname.

21. Chris “The Crippler” Leben

Promotion:  UFC
Division: Middleweight
Record: 25-7

Or, as Mike Goldberg would say, “CHRIS…thecripplerleben.”

It sounds cool and all, but if your unabashed strength is standup, why go with “the crippler?” If you didn’t know who Leben was, wouldn’t you expect him to be a submissions expert based on that nickname? 

He should be “the striker” or “the concusser.” But “the crippler" doesn’t make much sense if you think about it.

20. Jules “Cottonmouth from the South” Bruchez

Most Recent Promotion:  Bellator
Division:  Middleweight
Record: 1-2

This alum from Season 8 of “The Ultimate Fighter” seems to want people to think of him as some kind of poisonous snake. Or a pothead.

19. Lyle "Fancy Pants" Beerbohm

Promotion: Strikeforce
Division: Lightweight
Record: 16-2

To complete the package, Beerbohm wears brightly colored and wildly patterned shorts when he goes to fights and weigh-ins and grocery stores and such. 

I'm now putting the tips of my fingers up to my lips. Mwah! Another triumph.

18. Sean “The Muscle Shark” Sherk

Promotion: UFC
Division: Lightweight
Record: 36-4

Sounds like a down-market clothing brand from the 1980s. It was for kids whose parents wouldn’t buy them Rude Dog.

Add in his steroid suspension, and this is one for the ages.

17. Phil “The New York Badass” Baroni

Photo: MMAValor

Promotion: Titan FC
Division: Middleweight/welterweight
Record: 14-13

Put this one in the Trying Too Hard file.

Baroni, who is from Long Island, likes to wear shades and ripped jeans and a toothy snarl. It's all a little too pro wrestling-y. In fact, it sort of reminds me of Bad News Brown.

16. Kurt “Batman” Pellegrino

Promotion:  UFC
Division: Lightweight
Record: 16-6

This is like nicknaming yourself Michael Jordan or Jesus or something. You better be able to back it up. Or at least drop into the Octagon on a zipline.

I'm waiting, Kurt Pellegrino. I'm waiting.

15. Jacob "Christmas" Volkmann

Promotion: UFC
Division: Lightweight
Record: 13-2

Contrary to what you might think, Volkmann isn't especially jolly, or an elf, or a noted gift giver, or in any unusual way connected to or interested in the famous holiday that shares his nickname.

No, it’s because he looks like Lloyd Christmas. You know, Jim Carrey’s character from “Dumb and Dumber?”

In a best-case scenario, he’s using the oddest and least-familiar reference for that word. It would be like me calling myself “The African Queen” because I looked like Humphrey Bogart. Because, you know, Humphrey Bogart is the first thing that comes to mind when you say "The African Queen." Well, that and fighting.

So that’s the best case.

In the worst case, he’s ripping off Rich “Ace” Franklin, whose friends gave him the handle because they thought he resembled Ace Ventura.

Since apparently you can’t throw a jock strap across an MMA locker room without hitting a Jim Carrey look-alike, perhaps we could preemptively devise a nickname for the next one. Might I recommend “Liar Liar,” or “Truman?” "The Majestic" is looking pretty good right about now. 

To add insult to injury, Volkmann missed what could have been a very strong nickname: The Chiropractor. Because he’s a practicing chiropractor.

Hey, I can relate. In my spare time, I’m a rock crusher. And my nickname is "The African Queen." What? It’s totally logical.

This is the real reason the FBI is checking him out: disseminating lame nicknames.

14. Frank “Twinkle Toes” Trigg

Most recent promotion:  BAMMA
Division: Welterweight/middleweight
Record: 21-8

Hats off to the scariest jazz dancer on the planet.

13. Marcus “The Irish Hand Grenade” Davis

Promotion: MFC
Division: Lightweight/welterweight
Record: 19-8

When you add a nationality to your nickname, it just doesn't feel quite right. Because if you were really from there, you wouldn't have to say it. It would be superfluous. There's no Shinya "The Japanese Armbreaker" Aoki or Fedor "The Russian Emperor" Emelianenko.

Moreover, “Irish” and “hand grenade” aren't exactly two great tastes that go great together. It kind of illustrates that he was more interested in coming up with something awesome-sounding than celebrating a heritage.

To be fair, though, Davis isn't the only one who does this. The others know who they are.

12. Dave “Pee Wee” Herman

Promotion: UFC
Division: Heavyweight
Record: 21-2

I’m just going to put it out there:  Why would anyone—much less a fighter—want to be associated with a children’s entertainer who got caught diddling himself in a theater? Why is that desirable?

Oh, wait, I get it…they both have the same last name. Dave Herman? PEE WEE Herman? Delightful! 

Pee Wee probably doesn't think jiu-jitsu works, either.

11. Dan "The Police Officer" Copp

Most recent promotion: RG
Division: Lightweight
Record: 6-8

I bet he's not even a real police officer.

10. Ron “H2O” Waterman

Most recent promotion:  BTBB
Division:  Heavyweight
Record: 16-6-2

Just a shortened version of his last name. I give this one an F.

If he put even half the thought into his nickname that he puts into his photo shoots, we'd have a much better outcome on our hands.

9. Marius "Whitemare" Zaromskis

Promotions: Strikeforce, DREAM
Division: Welterweight
Record: 14-6-1

I wonder if he realized people might see his nickname and suspect him of being racist.

8. Rick "Just The Trick" Andrews

Most recent promotion:  Cage Rage
Division:  Welterweight
Record: 2-6

If a former member of Color Me Badd were to embark on a fighting career, this would be his nickname.

7. Logan "The Pink Pounder" Clark

Most recent promotion: Vivid MMA
Division: Middleweight
Record: 14-5

Let’s just move on.

6. Hobert "The French Tickler" Cornett

Most recent promotion:  Premier Sports
Division:  Featherweight
Record: 0-2

Keep moving…

5. Kenny “Ken Flo” Florian

Most recent promotion:  UFC
Division:  Featherweight/lightweight
Record: 15-5

Sounds like a line of bladder-control products.

Just look for the catheter with me—Ken!—on the label. 

4. Gegard "The Dreamcatcher" Mousasi

Promotions: Strikeforce, DREAM
Division: Light heavyweight
Record: 30-3-2

After the fight, I was going to put on my wolf T-shirt and drive out to the lakehouse for some candle dipping. Who’s coming with?

3. Elvis “The King of Rock N Rumble” Sinosic

Most recent promotion:  Cage Rage
Division: Light heavyweight
Record: 8-11-2

There are so many better things he could have gone with here.

How about “The King,” or just “Rock n’ Roll?”  What about “Hound Dog?” What about “The Jailhouse Rocker?” Ah, what could have been.

2. Joe “J-Lau" Lauzon

Most recent promotion:  UFC
Division: Lightweight
Record: 19-6

Hey, Joe. Got a second? Great. I just wanted to make you aware that your nickname is the same one Jennifer Lopez uses. You know, the entertainer? The female entertainer? 

Wait, you actually spell it “J-Lau” and not “J-Lo” like Lopez does? OK, so that does differentiate it a little. Actually, you know what, on further review I’m not sure that helps much.

1. Joseph “The Ho Bag” Bochenek

Most recent promotion:  XCF
Division:  I don’t know…is it that important?
Record: 0-10

I couldn't find much info on him (not even a photo!), but it's enough to know he existed.

Luckily for him, you, me and everyone else, The Ho Bag was quickly dispatched from the professional ranks back in 2004 after compiling an 0-10 record. What if he had gone on to become champion?

“There goes The Ho Bag, son. Pay your respects! That's the baddest man on the planet.”

Is this the part where I make jokes about his sprawl and his top control and his choke defense? Or is that just piling on?