Roger Goodell and the 10 People I Would Hate To Be in Sports

Sports is an embedded part of society.

It's a part of the culture of being a human being, and it's something that we have fed off of long before there were million dollar contracts and billion dollar industries centered around it.

Something about the finality of a winner and a loser is just appealing to most people. Everybody grows up wanting to be the guy who threw the game-winning touchdown pass in the Super Bowl or the guy who hits the walk-off home run in the bottom of the ninth.

And let's be honest, the paycheck is something that nobody would shy away from either.

Yet, even though most of us would give up everything for that one moment in the sun (or the 30,000 sq. ft. mansion in Tampa), there are a few people that I wouldn't even want to take a step in their shoes, let alone walk a mile in them.

This my half serious/half joking list of the 10 people, that I would hate to be in sports right now.

No. 10: Lane Kiffin

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PASADENA, CA - DECEMBER 04: USC Trojans head coach Lane Kiffin celebrates following his teams victory over the UCLA Bruins at the Rose Bowl on December 4, 2010 in Pasadena, California. USC defeated UCLA 28-14. (Photo by Jeff Gross/Getty Images)

There is no questioning that this guy certainly has a few things that every guy would love to have.

A smoking hot wife.

A boatload of money.

And one of the most prestigious jobs in college football.

But when Al Davis calls you a liar, and the majority of the nation agrees with him, that means that you are hated pretty much everywhere outside of Southern California.

Add on the fact that you are under a constant microscope from the NCAA, due to both previous infractions and pending individual infractions while at Tennessee, and you have some reasons for concern. 

Being a college football coach is a high pressure job under any circumstances, but Lane has been shouldered with the responsibility of dragging a proud program through it's darkest hour AND winning football games.

I'm sorry Lane, but I sure as hell don't want to be you.

No. 9: Miguel Cabrera

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LAKELAND, FL - MARCH 02: Miguel Cabrera #24 of the Detroit Tigers during the game against the Houston Astros at Joker Marchant Stadium on March 2, 2011 in Lakeland, Florida. The Astros defeated the Tigers 6-3. (Photo by Leon Halip/Getty Images)

Miggy, you just may be the best pure hitter in the American League, and you are a perennial favorite to win the MVP, but you have issues.

I'm not trying to demean or downplay how serious of an issue alcoholism is, but it's more than just that.

When you are drinking from a bottle of scotch and being condescending to your arresting officer while you are being stopped for a DUI, it also makes you a jerk.

I love watching this guy play the game, and would hate to see him away for too long, but if I'm working in the Detroit front office I'm probably going to get the man some help before I am letting him deal with the pressures of hitting a 91 MPH slider.

No offense, Miguel, but until you resolve whatever ails you, I wouldn't want to be you either.

No. 8: Any Member of the Oakland Raiders

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ALAMEDA, CA - JANUARY 18: Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis speaks during a press conference on January 18, 2011 in Alameda, California. Hue Jackson was introduced as the new coach of the Oakland Raiders, replacing the fired Tom Cable. (Photo by Justin Sul

I don't know what's more terrifying at this point. The thought that someone who holds season tickets to Raiders games may come murder me in my sleep for including them on this list, or the fact that I actually have to look at this picture while I'm writing this.

Al Davis coined the phrase, "Just win, baby." But do to his inability to let go of the reigns as he continues to inch towards the after life, the Raiders haven't been doing a lot of that lately.

The Raiders have been able to assemble some talent over the years, but the product on the field has been brutally bad due to a series of awful personnel decisions and Davis' notoriously short leash on his coaching staff.

If you told me tomorrow that I had to either play on the Raiders until Al Davis gave it up, or serve time in Rikers Island until Al Davis gave it up, I'd sharpen up my toothbrush and head for NYC.

No. 7: Erik Spoelstra

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BOSTON - FEBRUARY 13: Coach Erik Spoelstra of the Miami Heat reacts when an official failed to call a foul against the Boston Celtics at TD Garden on February 13, 2011 in Boston, Massachusetts. The Celtics won 85-82. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowle

If I didn't know anything about sports and you told me that I could be a head coach at 40-years-old in Miami, Florida, and I would have three of the biggest superstars in my sport on the roster, I'd probably say toss me a clipboard and let's go win some titles.

Seems like a pretty posh gig, right?

Wrong.

Spoelstra is in a nearly impossible situation with the Miami Heat right now. If he wins, he will receive no credit except for the occasional mention of how well he "managed egos."

If he fails to win, he will likely be given an econo-class ticket out of the city and be forced to watch as Pat Riley breaks his hair gel (or is it mousse?) out of retirement and shows him how a real man does it.

Maybe the Heat find a way to put it all together, and Erik Spoelstra has a long illustrious career in Miami where he wins multiple championships. But even then, he will likely be devoid of credit because he could only get it with three All-Stars.

It's not fair to "Spo," and for that reason, I don't want any part of being him. 

No. 6: Tiger Woods

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MARANA, AZ - FEBRUARY 23: Tiger Woods reacts during the first round of the Accenture Match Play Championship at the Ritz-Carlton Golf Club on February 23, 2011 in Marana, Arizona. (Photo by Andy Lyons/Getty Images)

If this were purely an issue of swapping professions and bank account statements then you would probably find me on a golf course somewhere warm as we speak using rolled up 20's as golf tees, but it turns out there is a whole wealth of personal issues that come along with being Tiger Woods as well. 

Dealing with a divorce and limited time with your kids is difficult for every father, but when you add in the pressures of being expected to win every single golf tournament you play in, things may begin to snowball a little.

Tiger made some unforgivable mistakes, but in my opinion, that's not something he has to own up to the world for, it's something he has to make right with his family and friends. However, as long as he isn't winning, it's still going to be the only thing that the media talks about for quite some time.

The bottom line in the social world of sports is that winning cures everything.

So in three years, if Tiger has about a half dozen tournaments under his belt, and a major or two, then I will be ready and willing to offer my life trade back on the table.

But until then, I do not want to be Tiger Woods.

No. 5: Deanna Favre (Brett Favre's Wife)

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GREEN BAY, WI - MARCH 6: Deanna Favre, wife of former quarterback Brett Favre of the Green Bay Packers, listens as Favre talks about his retirement at a press conference at Lambeau Field March 6, 2008 in Green Bay, Wisconsin. (Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Get

Sorry, Deanna.

You seem like an extremely nice lady, but if you're husband had to spice up the game of football by jamming the ball into double and triple coverage repeatedly, how exactly do you deal with him at home?

Deanna: "Hey, honey, can you pass me the remote?"

Brett: "Ya, just run a skinny post into the kitchen on two. Ready, BREAK!"

OK, that's an awful joke, but I didn't feel like going dirty with it so you get the picture.

The last three head coaches and front offices that Brett has had, hasn't been able to keep him entertained enough to go through an entire offseason training program, so how is Deanna gonna keep this old perv in check?

It might be because of my personal bias towards "Ole No. Four," but I do not want to be Deanna Favre. 

No. 4: Bruce Pearl

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PITTSBURGH, PA - DECEMBER 11: Tennessee Volunteers head coach Bruce Pearl directs his team against the Pittsburgh Panthers during the SEC/BIG EAST Invitational at Consol Energy Center on December 11, 2010 in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.The Volunteers defeat

Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Bruce Pearl was pretty much infallible at the University of Tennessee at the end of last March when he took them through their deepest postseason run in school history.

The school loved him because he brought an excitement to the basketball program that had never been generated by any of their previous head basketball coaches. The fans loved him because he had elevated the program to a level of success that had never been achieved by any of their previous coaches.

Heck, even his tailors loved him, because of his affinity for grey suit jackets which he would inevitably sweat through, and likely ruined nearly every game.

Then Bruce had himself a little barbecue, and as ridiculous as it may sound, it turns out that barbecue was illegal (although it was just a minor infraction).

However, the barbecue wasn't what cooked Bruce Pearl's goose. Turns out that the NCAA, and pretty much the rest of the general public has a big problem with lying about these minor infractions.

Who knew?

Now Bruce is treading on the thinnest of ice with the NCAA, and could potentially lose his job over it. To make matters worse, his team, which started the season on a seven-game winning streak, is trending downward right now.

Sorry Bruce, I love everything you've done for my team and university, but I certainly would not like to be you right now.

No. 3: A Cleveland Fan

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CLEVELAND, OH - DECEMBER 02: Fans hold up signs prior to the Cleveland Cavaliers playing the Miami Heat at Quicken Loans Arena on December 2, 2010 in Cleveland, Ohio. NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and or using

Ripping on Cleveland fans is kinda like popping bubble wrap in the fact that it is completely unnecessary and yet for some reason it's always done.

I will give you this much respect Cleveland. You have some of the best and most passionate sports fans in the country.

But as you know, every team that resides in your city is utterly useless at this point (please don't bother burdening me with your hopes and dreams for the Indians in 2011 either.)

It's not your fault that it's so bad, but it really has to stink anyways.

If I were you, I would seriously consider sneaking down to Columbus in the dead of night and kidnapping the entire Ohio State athletics department (with the exception of the man who comes in at two on this list) and replenishing the roster's of your awful professional sports franchises, because it might be your only hope.

I'm sure the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame is nice though.

No. 2: Jim Tressel

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NEW ORLEANS, LA - JANUARY 04: Head coach Jim Tressel of the Ohio State Buckeyes looks on against the Arkansas Razorbacks during the Allstate Sugar Bowl at the Louisiana Superdome on January 4, 2011 in New Orleans, Louisiana. (Photo by Matthew Stockman/G

This is probably just a heat of the moment kind of thing because I don't see any real way that Tressel loses his job in this fiasco, but in my opinion, what he did makes Bruce Pearl look like Gandhi.

The man knew of major violations involving some of his best players, and like Neil Flynn's character in "Scrubs," (The Janitor) he just swept it under the rug. 

I have seen how the college football process works, and I'm not naive enough to think that there is any completely clean programs being run in the nation right now, but this is bad. This is real bad.

Having seen what the NCAA has accused Bruce Pearl of at this point, I can only imagine that the accusations are going to be even worse for Tressel and the Buckeyes. Yes, it is a different sport and the NCAA has proven to be inconsistent in their penalties at best, but I think some serious penalties are inevitable.

Outside of my late grandfather, nobody rocks a sweater vest like Jim Tressel, but I still wouldn't want to be him.

No. 1: DeMaurice Smith/Roger Goodell

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DALLAS, TX - FEBRUARY 03: NFLPA executive director DeMaurice Smith speaks during the NFL Players Association press conference at the Super Bowl XLV media center on February 3, 2011 in Dallas, Texas. The Green Bay Packers will play the Pittsburgh Steelers

The other day I nearly became sick to my stomach at the thought that, if the NFL were to go on strike I wouldn't have any reason to discuss obscure things like, "Why the Bears should cut Chester Taylor." (Seriously, that was an awful signing.)

Now, I may not exactly be the voice of the nation, but I'm pretty sure a lot of Americans feel the same way. We LOVE our football!

These two guys are under so much pressure to get a deal done, that members of the press are asking the President of the United States of America if he will intervene. How many people have jobs like that?

What if Steve from accounting had the President breathing down his neck about how his company could scale back expenditures?

Steve would likely spend the better part of his day away from his desk because he was putting away a bit too much Pepto on a count of the massive ulcer he'd developed. 

The balancing act that Smith and Goodell are trying to do right now is nearly unimaginable to me, and to be frank with you, I really don't care how they do it, but they need to get a deal done or else ESPN is going to be looking at massive ratings hike for the Lumber Liquidators PBA Tour.

I know I want no part of being involved in that pressure cooker.