Kiprusoff: "Unless I Can Embarrass Finland, I'm Staying Home" [SATIRE]

Aaron TomContributor IDecember 10, 2016

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PLEASE NOTE: The following article is entirely a work of fiction. Any quotes depicted in the article have been created solely by the author, and they should not be mistaken for actual quotes. This article is in no way endorsed by Miikka Kiprusoff, the International Ice Hockey Federation, the National Hockey League, or the Calgary Flames.


Calgary Flames goaltender, and Finnish-team candidate Miikka Kiprusoff has announced that there is only one condition on which he will play for his native country of Finland.

According to reports, the 33-year-old netminder is refusing to play goal for the Finland national team unless he is given the opportunity to single-handedly blow his teams' chances of competing for a gold medal at this year's Winter Olympic Games, which is being held in Vancouver, British Columbia.

"My goal this year is to embarrass my national squad by squandering any and all shots of Finland winning any kind of worthwhile medal here in Vancouver," he stated back in November. "If I am not given that opportunity, then I will be just fine staying here in Calgary during that two-week period."

Finland's coach, Jukka Jalonen, said that although he has not made his final decision, he is leaning toward granting Kiprusoff his wish.

"Sure, [Antero] Niittymaki got us the silver-medal in 2006, and has absolutely been stellar this season in net for the Tampa Bay Lightning, but we feel like putting our destiny in the hands of a goalie who is unproven at the Olympic level—and who inexplicably overvalues his self worth, despite never having won a Stanley Cup—might be the right thing to do. 

"Yeah, he may have ditched us in 2006 by claiming he was nursing a hip injury, even though he never missed a start for the Flames at any point during the season, but we still feel like going with him might be the right decision."

Kiprusoff just feels like he's righting a wrong.

"If I was there [in Turin] in 2006, I don't think we would have even medaled, so I just want to even things out. I feel like we kind of went against fate that year, and I want to get this hockey program back on the track of falling well short of potential.

The fans need to learn that 2006 was a fluke, and that we can't possibly compete with the best of the world year after year.

I think putting me in net and watching me painfully degrade my team by getting us within one game of a potential gold-medal contest, and then completely falling apart may be the best way for this team to do just that."