Al Davis Sit-Down Interview (Satire)

Josh BroudyCorrespondent IJanuary 18, 2010

OAKLAND, CA - JANUARY 03:  A fan of the Oakland Raiders looks on against the Baltimore Ravens during an NFL game at Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum on January 3, 2010 in Oakland, California.  (Photo by Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images)
Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images

Did you really think I would land a sit-down interview with Al Davis?

Look, I don't get it, either.

Anyway, I'm going to imagine what a sit-down interview with Al Davis would be like.

Me: So, Al, thanks for sitting down with us.

Al Davis: Well, it's not like I can get up...sooo what the #?$%—wait, is this cable? Can I say what the #?$%?

Me: Whoa, sir. No, you can't. I'd get fired...if I had a job in the first place. Anyway, what are you going to do with Tom Cable?

AD: Wait! Didn't we go over this cable stuff?

Me: No, I meant T-o-m Cable. Your head coach. Are you going to keep him or fire him?

AD: I am going to fire him...probably. I forgot—I mean, I haven't made a decision yet. It's a tough one. After all, we only won five games again.

Me: Can you give me a timetable on when you will make the decision?

AD: Probably, in two days to two months.

Me: Who are you considering drafting this April? 

AD: Uhh...Well, I've been thinking about Carlos Dunlap or Taylor Mays. Now those are great players. Sure, Dunlap and Mays had poor junior and senior seasons, but look at them run.

Me: Stop drooling, Al. Do you need a tissue?

AD: No, no, I'm fine.

Me: My final question: When will the Raiders be back in the playoffs?

AD: I can't answer that question.

Me: I'm pretty sure you'll still be alive when and if it happens.

AD: What I mean is that it's classified information, son...Well, I'm going to take a nap.

So I hope that you found that humorous. And if you didn't, well, I don't think I'm allowed to force you.