The Most Absurd Sports Rap Lyrics Ever

Sean Evans@@seanseaevansContributor IIIApril 2, 2014

The Most Absurd Sports Rap Lyrics Ever

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    Brad Barket

    Rap music, like professional sports, is built on the pillars of showmanship and braggadocio. So, naturally, rappers draw a lot of parallels to athletes

    At B/R Swagger, we've discussed the good, bad and ugly when it comes to the athlete-turned-rapper. And today, we look at the goofy, weird and insane when it comes to rap lyrics about athletes. 

    Now, absurd rap lyrics don't necessarily equate to dumb or nonsensical lines. In fact, most of these lyrics are so laughably crazy or inappropriate that they're actually awesome. Basically, these are lines that would make you spit take your vodka cranberry if you heard these songs at the club.

    So, sip and read with caution.

    From Lil' B trolling Kevin Durant to Phife Dawg clowning Vinny Testaverde, these are the most absurd sports rap lyrics ever.

Rick Ross on Notre Dame Football

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    Marcio Jose Sanchez

    "Put a number on your helmet like it's Notre Dame/Five grand will get you whacked don't even know your name."—Rick Ross, "High Definition"

    What number on the helmet are you talking about, Rozay? 

Juicy J on Michael Phelps

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    Matt Slocum

    "Get a whole pound, smoke it by myself/Or maybe after Olympics with my homie Michael Phelps."—Juicy J, "Medicated"

    Which do you find more absurd: Juicy J smoking an entire pound of weed by himself or the idea of him sharing it with the most decorated Olympian of all time? 

The Lonely Island on Wayne Gretzky

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    Michael Tweed

    "Your d*ck is little like Wayne; Gretzky/But Gretzky's got a big d*ck; clarification."The Lonely Island, "Semicolon"

    Presented without comment.

Lil' B on Kevin Durant

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    Layne Murdoch/Getty Images

    "You said that I'm whack, see me on the court/Score on me if you talking 'bout points/I like Roc Nation and I love Jay Z/But on the West Side I'm screaming f--- KD."—Lil' B, "F--- Kevin Durant"

    Right now, Kevin Durant and Lil' B are caught up in the most absurd beef since Libby's began selling meat in a can.

    In his internationally acclaimed hit "F--- Kevin Durant," the Based God appears to challenge Durant to a game of one-on-one.

    Your move, KD.

Ludacris on Elin Nordegren

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    Al Messerschmidt/Getty Images

    "She knock a b---- out, and fight/Coming out swinging like Tiger Woods' wife."Ludacris, "My Chick Bad"

    In case you don't get the reference, it's alleged that Elin Nordegren swung on Tiger Woods with a golf club when she discovered an airplane hangar's worth of sexts on his phone.

    If those allegations are true, Ludacris is indeed hanging out with one bad chick.

Nicki Minaj on Eli Manning

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    Bill Kostroun

    I call the play, now do you see why?/These b------ calling me Manning, Eli."Nicki Minaj, "Roman's Revenge"

    First, Eli Manning's probably not the best athlete to use when it comes to declaring boss status. Yes, he has a few Super Bowl rings, but he has to be one of the derpiest athletes in NFL history.

    Also, the last name first construct is a little strange, Nicki. That said, "Eli" does rhyme with "why" rather nicely.

Phife Dawg on Vinny Testaverde

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    DAVID DUPREY

    "Sit back and learn, come now watch the birdie/Your styles are incomplete, same as Vinny Testaverde."—Phife Dawg, "The Chase Pt. II"

    NFL journeymen rarely make their way into the hip-hop lexicon, but poor Vinny Testaverde catches some shrapnel when his passing accuracy is compared to the style of a sucka.

Macklemore on Dennis Rodman

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    JACK SMITH

    "And American girls who love a Detroit Piston/Like Dennis Rodman, I got a rod, man (aww yeah!)"Macklemore and Ryan Lewis, "Castle"

    Most rappers brag about having a shark tank in their Gulfstream jet or whatever, but Macklemore and Ryan Lewis—being the trail blazers that they are—boast about possessing a penis (aww yeah!). 

    Dream big, kids. 

Riff Raff on Dominique Wilkins

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    Associated Press

    "Girbauds with the crease/Aw, s--- look who it is, the white Dominique/Dominique Wilkins, more dough than Homer Simpson/I can ball and tell more story than that Rumpelstiltskin."—Riff Raff, "Out of the Gym [Remix]"

    Apparently, the white Dominique Wilkins looks like this.

Vanilla Ice on Eric Lindros

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    Brian Babineau/Getty Images

    "It's like a pimp slap, from a bum on crack/And then you got jacked like Lindros on his back."—Vanilla Ice, "Hate"

    In this beautiful sonnet by Vanilla Ice, it seems like there are an endless number of people, places and things that could have been used instead of "Lindros."

    The guy didn't spend that much time getting "jacked" or falling on his "back."  

    And, there's an enormous chasm between getting slapped by a bum on drugs and getting crosschecked by hockey player into the boards. Overall, those two things are not all that analogous.   

    But, then again, maybe I'm the absurd one for analyzing the integrity of Vanilla Ice lyrics.