WWE Worst of the Week: John Cena, Kane and More

This past week John Cena returned, and so did the nipple jokes!

Man, has it really been two months since we got to experience that kind of humor? I could have gone another two lifetimes without hearing Cena make fun of Antonio Cesaro's nipples again.

(As an aside, why did Jack Swagger and Cesaro bother holding each other back while Cena insulted them? Why didn't they just beat him up?)

Anyway, besides Cena's return, we also saw Shawn Michaels and Kane turn heel while David Otunga turned face.

Not sure that's a fair trade-off. 

With six hours of TV and a pay-per-view to sort through, there was a lot to take in. That's why we're here, to relive the most frustrating, lamest and John Cena-est moments of the week. 

This article is not full of "Britney Spears" initials, as Cena would say. It speaks the truth. Not The Truth, though. We're leaving him out of this edition.

Now, let's dive in and get ready to enjoy WWE's worst of the week. 

No. 5: This Is a Main Event?

What has become of WWE Main Event?

For those who are still watching, they got four matches this week. Three of them you wouldn't wish upon your worst enemy's dog's butt. 

Santino vs. Heath Slater, Fandango vs. The Great Khali and the much anticipated rematch between Los Matadores and Los Locales punished fans who willingly devoted an hour of their life to the product. 

The degradation of Main Event has been going on for some time, but this past addition was arguably the worst in the show's disastrous history. How much longer until it goes the route of Superstars and fades into oblivion?

The episode of Main Event that aired the night before Halloween was the worst trick played on an audience since Carrie's prom night. Actually, at this point, one may prefer being set on fire to watching another 3MB match. 

No. 4: Shopzone Shilling

When can Dolph Ziggler go back to stealing the show instead of trying to steal money from my wallet? 

I don't want a Great Khali T-shirt or a life-sized Hornswoggle! Leave me alone!

If you're not booked for a match on Raw, beware—you may have to sell the audience useless crap.

R-Truth started this trend, and it was awful. Santino then took over, and it was even worse. Dolph Ziggler had his turn on SmackDown, and it was sad. Real sad.

Remember when this guy was the World Heavyweight Champion? He seemed to reminisce that brief time in his life when he looked at the replica title longingly. Those days are long gone. Now, he's like that hobo on the street who tries to sell you two Popsicle sticks glued together for a dollar.

Whatever Dolph Ziggler did behind the scenes to deserve this punishment must have been real bad. But can't he serve his punishment offscreen? Maybe he could just spend a week in a Punjabi Prison match instead?

That way, his career won't be damaged, and neither will our senses. It's a win-win!

No. 3: Kidnapped Kane Doesn't Care

Kane returned from being kidnapped, and instead of bothering to talk about it at all, or showing anger at the company for not investigating the matter, he joined up with The Authority.

This is kind of like when Kane joined The Corporation...in 1998. 

Sure, Kane confronted The Wyatts at Hell in a Cell, but that doesn't seem like he got even for them kidnapping him for two months. Who knows what kind of depraved horrors happened to him?

Did they torture him like in Saw? Or did they just beat him up and toss him into a dumpster behind Wendy's? 

We don't know because he doesn't care, or more tellingly, WWE doesn't care. Let's all just forget that it ever happened. 

How are fans supposed to get invested in storylines when WWE will drop them whenever it feels like? The lack of caring is just ridiculous. The worst shows in all of television wouldn't just pretend a kidnapping didn't happen to one of their characters like WWE did. It's another example of WWE jerking around its audience. 

However, if The Authority angle was dropped altogether, then all is forgiven. 

No. 2: The Butterfly Net Effect

As soon as Heath Slater came out with that giant net, you knew he was going to get trounced. 

For the love of God, Los Matadores has now fought 3MB in six of their nine matches! And guess what? 3MB hasn't won a single one of those! So what's the point of all those rematches?

To spice things up, WWE brought out a butterfly net this week. You know, like cartoon characters did in the 1930s. 

I just don't know what to say right now. There really isn't much you can say. It's just one of those moments that make you embarrassed to be a wrestling fan and makes you wonder if you should take up knitting instead. 

No. 1: It Was the One-Armed Man

Take it away, Jim!

Damien Sandow vs. John Cena may end up being one of the most fun WWE moments of the year, but the outcome was still awful.

I don't think that Sandow is buried by any means, I think he'll be far better off next week than he was coming into Raw. What made Monday's match a downer was that Super Cena made his return.

The announcers even referred to him as Superman on the show. He came back months earlier than he should have (supposedly). That should have been enough of a story. WWE decided to go overboard.

Of course, Cena is always pushed strongly. And he should be. He's the number one babyface on the roster, but having his surgically repaired arm mangled with repeated chair shots should be enough to put him out of action. Now, anyone who takes a chair shot and is knocked out looks like a wuss.

Not Cena though. He can still fight for over 10 minutes with just one superhuman arm. 

So now, what money is there in a healthy Cena vs. Sandow feud? What money is there in Cena vs. any heel not named Randy Orton? If Sandow can't get him with such a tremendous disadvantage then how can guys like Antonio Cesaro even hope to be competitive? 

This is why fans can't stand John Cena. We all have to suspend our disbelief while watching wrestling but shouldn't have to like this. When one man comes back from injury, wins a competitive match against Alberto Del Rio the night before, and then has his arm destroyed with a chair and wins again, it's just flat-out stupid. 

It's like Hulk Hogan having to sell Jay Leno's offense. It's Shane McMahon going toe-to-toe with Kane. It's something that takes you out of the moment and makes you angry. 

WWE didn't need to make Cena so ridiculously superhuman. Kids weren't going to stop watching if he didn't embarrass Del Rio and Sandow. No one believed he wouldn't be "the man" anymore. 

The WWE is back to Cena's one-armed world. We're all just living in it.

Well, that's all for this week. Agree? Disagree? What was your worst moment of the week? Sound off below and thanks for reading.