Manny: This Bud's For You

How is it that Major League Baseball players can't find medical doctors who know what constitutes a banned substance?

Look, I realize people like me who are restricted to certain insurance approved doctors will never, for instance, get any approval for payment for any treatment other than the common cold, except, of course, having eight kids at a time or a plastic surgery lip pump.

But Los Angeles Dodger Manny Ramirez, who has been paid more than $162 million in his career, could not find a medical doctor savvy enough to steer him away from the banned substances of Major League Baseball. Even this year, with his paltry $15 million annual guaranteed salary, Manny couldn't find a doctor to help him. Manny had to take a banned substance because, apparently, Major League Baseball's kajillion dollar HMO plan can't find doctors who were given or understand the banned substance list.

Look it: I understand being part of an HMO. Talk about untalented: my three pregnancies resulted in miscarriages, I think a fat lip is what defeated boxers get, had a few rounds of chemo in my day, if I had be on the Dr. Phil show day after day I would drown six of the eight kids, and I can't hit a fast ball.I understand why my HMO wouldn't pay me for nothing: I'm one of the great unwashed, untalented, and can't throw a curve ball.

But how the hell do superstar players like Manny Ramirez get treated by physicians who don't know what a banned substance is? This confuses the hell out of my non-fat lip. Would it be at all possible for Major League Baseball to provide to a list of medical doctors who actually have read and understand the MLB banned substances list?

Naw. The Major League Baseball Player's Association, the union representing all those savvy baseball players getting loose and enjoying the juice--of contracts, of course--wouldn't allow that. Privacy issues and all.

After all, baseball has reaped a lot of benefits on the backs of juiced players. We all know who they are. That's part of the sadness: we all know who they are.

And MLB Commissioner Bud Selig? Well, would you buy a used car or used syringe from that guy?

If the Major League Baseball Player's Association won't provide it's own members with a list of substance savvy doctors, one can hardly expect baseball owners' to do so.

Let's face it: Major League Baseball is like the Octo-Mom: if you can do it, flaunt it.

Yeah, yeah, I know some little-lipped, fast-ball whiffing, old-school guy will be flailing from the bottom of the dung heap: "It ain't right. It ain't right."

Tough. MLB has anti-trust status, billions of dollars in taxpayer money from infrastructure costs, and, oh dew upon the rose, access to doctors who apparently have not read or fail to understand what constitutes a banned substance.

The MLB Player's Association prides itself on being the most powerful in professional sports.

I'd hate to be represented by a union who couldn't find me a doctor to tell me which drug was banned. Of course, the union may measure CCs vs. home runs vs. dollars. I'm only saying...

MLB owners? Aw, c'mon, you all don't think the pimp is gonna suddenly pour Comet on the cash machine, do ya?