Super Bowl Drinking Games: A List To Live By on Sunday

What's Super Bowl Sunday without a slurring drinking game?

Tampa is famous for its seedy strip bars, seegars, and bad Buccaneers, so grab a draft and toast Tampa town and the television clowns.

Drink any time an animal speaks on a television commercial. Drink a double if its a talking goat, a centaur or a satyr. Drink a triple if suddenly a satyr or centaur is sitting beside ye at the bar. And I recommend ye share with the satyrs and centaurs, as they can be mean, nasty drunks. Pass the old Pan goat men a goblet of wine and spare them the horn and tail jokes.

Drink a double if its your dog beside you that is speaking to you in perfect English. Drink a double if the dog is speaking in Old Norse and quoting The Edda expertly.

Drink every time John Madden mentions food or Brett Favre, his two great late in life loves.

Drink a sip of beer every time Brenda Warner appears on the screen. Drink a double bourbon if she has her old hairdo. Drink a half of bottle of bourbon if, after throwing a Rich Gannon like five interceptions, Kurt Warner is seen swilling cheap gin on the sidelines while spewing the lines of the golf angered Bishop from Caddyshack: "There is no God!"

Drink the whole bottle if a wild eyed Warner ends the telecast with a mad Doctor Gonzo rant:

Maybe there is no Heaven. Or maybe this is all pure gibberish—a product of the demented imagination of a lazy drunken hillbilly with a heart full of hate who has found a way to live out where the real winds blow—to sleep late, have fun, get wild, drink whisky, and drive fast on empty streets with nothing in mind except falling in love and not getting arrested.

Drink a tequila if Big Ben gropes that hot Heroes chick he used to date in the locker room after the game. Drink a double if Big Ben bites her on the butt.

Drink a double gin if Matt Millen breaks and bounces the hobbit like Bob Costa and sneering Olbermann off the roof like boy toys.

Drink a vodka if John Madden turns to Al and slurs Better a bottle in front of me then a frontal lobotomy late in the fourth quarter.

Drink at every Cardinal cheerleader sighting. Drink a double if the Steelers make Art Rooney's hot granddaughter, the comely Kate Mara, be the Steelers lone cheerleader.

Drink a sip of aged bourbon if Al Michaels mentions Sid Luckman or OJ Simpson. Drink a shot of Seagrams if Michael's suddenly blurts out that he picked a bad day to stop sniffing glue.

Drink if John Madden says Wow Al Davis sure has left the reservation. Drink a double if Madden begins making cuckoo sounds as he describes Davis.

Drink if Blago appears on the pregame show. Drink a double if he is quoting Kipling and Oprah. Drink a triple if he is the Chicago Bears new GM and is dancing around shouting "I'm mad!"

Drink if Plaxico appears at the Bowl. Drink a double if he's packing visible heat. Drink a triple if he shoot himself in the legs during the Springsteen halftime show.

Drink a double if Mike Holmgren, reeking of gin, says Kiss Me Andrea to Andrea Kramer, drink a triple if Joe Namath appears and kisses Andrea. Drink the whole bottle if Cris Collinsworth says Kiss Me Tony to Tony Dungy during the pregame.

Toast any player arrested at the Super Bowl. Double toast any player arrested driving with a stripper, a fire arm, a drug stash, or a naked, drug addled, babbling Tom Cruise in their car. Drink a double if the stripper is underage or an Olsen Twin is involved.

Drink to any player shot or is a shooter between now and kickoff. Drink a sip to anyone tasered or if Amy Winehouse is captured by the Tampa Police and sedated then shown in a steel mesh net to gawking Tampa tourists.

Drink any time someone calls Bruce Springsteen the Boss and mentions New Jersey. Drink when the Boss says Who Here is from Jawsey. Drink a double if Al Michaels says Boss my butt, he sure ain't no Bob Dylan.

Drink a double scotch if Little Steve says Sil is alive, the Sopranos ending sucked, and he is making a Sopranos movie because Gandolfini can't get a job.

Drink if Mike Holmgren says Brett Favre completes him. Drink a double if Madden says I just can't quit Brett.

Drink anytime a player complains about his contract, his career, or a player man spurts on screen. There's no crying in football. Did ye not see how Johnny Unitas calmly walked away after the Horse scored the biggest TD in football history.

Drink a beer if Bettis looks over three bills. Drink half a beer if Bettis is four bills. Drink an entire beer if Bettis begins burping and quoting Homer Simpson "Beer! The cause of and solution to all of lives problems." Drink a deep double if he starts spewing OJ Simpson Naked Gun lines.

Drink a jagermeister if Madden says Jessica Simpson sure is getting some junk in her trunk and that must be depressing living with that loser Romo's constant whining.

Drink at every replay. Only a beer sip though because they will be endless.

Drink if Tom Cruise appears dressed as a one eyed Nazi on screen. Drink at any Nazi movie commercial. With Valkyrie, Defiance, and The Reader all on screens Nazis, it seems, are back and bigger then ever.  Modern Mid East villains, apprantly, just do not cut it like the old cranky Krauts.

Drink if it seems Cris Collinsworth neck has gotten longer and Bob Costas has shrunk even shorter. Drink and worry of gypsy curses if Costas appears under four feet in height.

Drink a double if Bettis says to Costas I'm bigger than you and higher up the food chain. Get in my belly.

Drink every time a player sky points or thanks the Lord for making him his special child. Tough luck for the starving, the sick, the dying, and the war stricken on Sunday. The Good Lord, apparently, is busy guiding post passes tomorrow.

Drink at every look at me dance after every marginal to poor play.

Drink at any Mickey Rourke mentions or sightings. Drink a double if Mickey Rooney materializes on the sideline and begins tap dancing.

Drink at any Big Foot or Caveman ad. Drink a double if Big Foot commits any act of violence in a fit of frustrated rage or the caveman shouts meanly at his hot women.

Drink at every mention at how kind and cuddly and sweet and oh so very precious the Bidwell family is and its so wonderful that they finally made the Big Bowl.

Drink at every mention of Steelers glory pasts. Drink a double if Dan Rooney's brothers show up drunk and beat him up in the owners box demanding their cut. Drink a triple if they throw him from the box.

Drink if Bidwell grins and appears to have sharp yellow fangs above that dandy bow tie. Drink a double if Bidwell appears to a member of the undead.

Drink a shot if a player dances and ignores the live fumble laying behind his wiggling, jiggling, behemoth butt.

Drink a double if a drunk Ditka appears anywhere on screen. This goes for Snake Stabler, Terry Bradshaw, Joe Namath, Jim McMahon, or the cursing whiskey soaked ghost of Bobby Layne.

Drink a double if Maddens says those Central Florida coeds stripper triplets sure wore him out last night. Drink a triple if Michael's responds No John it was the ether.

Drink a sip of beer at every Manning that materializes on your screen during commercial break.

Drink a triple if any Manning is arrested after a vicious bottle breaking, eye gouging fracas, in a some seedy barroom on Super Bowl eve.  Unless its Cooper then its just another Cooper Saturday night.

Drink at every mention of Terrell Owen's future. Drink a Texas tea if the blistering glare of the media lights makes Jerry Jones face slowly melt and he begins to scream like the bad witch from the Wizard of OZ "I'm meltinggggggg"

Drink a scotch on the rocks If, when asked what it was like to coach the Oakland Raiders of old, John Madden quotes Hunter Thompson and says I was drunk, crazy and heavily armed at all times. People trembled and cursed when I came into a public room and started screaming in German.

Cheers!

Let us drink with impunity.
Or anyone else who’s buying.
—W.C. Fields