What If ESPN Didn't Create an Attention-Starved Headline About Michael Vick?

Brendan O'HareContributor IAugust 25, 2011

What If ESPN Didn't Create an Attention-Starved Headline About Michael Vick?

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    By now, I am sure a lot of you have read Touré's new piece for ESPN The Magazine, which deals with race and a lot of other topics that have followed Michael Vick from prison.

    It is a very well-written essay, but ESPN undermines it with the title "What if Michael Vick were white?" and the picture that appears on this slide. The essay has very little do with the question that is ignorantly being asked in the title, which is actually answered in the last sentence of the essay:

    And to those who believe we should judge a man by how he responds when dealing with the worst life has to offer -- with how he climbs after he hits rock bottom -- Michael Vick has become heroic.

    And that has nothing to do with race.

    So. Yeah. The author of the piece has taken to Twitter to vehemently denounce his involvement with the piece’s title and picture, but it still remains.

    In light of such an unbelievably ill-advised article title (probably the work of a joking editor during an article topic session), I thought of 10 alternatives that were scrapped on the cutting room floor.

    If you have any, please leave them in the comment section—I beg of you. My favorite will win my undying respect.

What If Troy Polamalu Was an Atheist?

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    Troy prays after every play. BUT WHAT IF HE WAS FRIENDS WITH RICHARD DAWKINS?

What If Tim Tebow Was Damien, Son of Satan?

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    Merril Hoge would be entering the seventh circle of hell.

What If Kenny Britt Was Peter Gunn?

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    For those who don't know, Peter Gunn was a TV detective, and Kenny Britt is probably being arrested right now.

What If Chris Johnson Wore Clogs Instead of Cleats?

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    He wouldn't be demanding $35 million in guaranteed money, that's for damn sure.

What If Vince Wilfork Did a Playgirl Spread?

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    Time-space collapses.

What If Michael Vick Killed Cats?

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    Would we care as much? I ask you.

What If Sharks Had Feet?

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    I think this is a shark.

What If Philip Rivers Was Likable?

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    "Unpossible."

    —Ralph Wiggum

What If Pacman Jones Made It Hail?

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    Would he be in a maximum security prison?

What If Michael Vick Was from Uzbekistan?

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    Can Vick point this out on a map? Can I?

What If Jerry Jones Never Had Plastic Surgery?

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    We're better off that he did.

    Brendan O’Hare runs the sports/pop culture blogging conglomerate PineRiders, which has been linked to by Deadspin, EDSBS, Puck Daddy and With Leather. If you want to be in Brendan’s next mailbag, contact him bohare7@yahoo.com. Follow him on Twitter @BrendanOHarePR.