NHL Skills Competition: Running Diary

It's been a while since I posted a running diary, so I figured that tonight's NHL Skills Competition is as good a time as ever to shake off the rust before I break it out again in a week's time for the Super Bowl.

It's the annual precursor to the NHL All-Star game: the NHL Skills Competition!

The weird thing about it, though, is that most people prefer watching the Skills Competition to the actual game—and seeing as I'm on the road at game time tomorrow, we'll get some quality time in with the Saturday night extravaganza...

7:05: It's time for the player introductions! This is probably the lamest part of the entire weekend because it happens twice in two days. I'm not sure it's even necessary once, as everyone who cares about this game should be familiar with who's in it, but there's some fresh faces this year so I'll play on the side of forgiveness. Some notes from the intros:

1. There's fire and neon lights. I think the NHL is an army of midgets away from declaring itself eligible for the WWE Championship with Gary Bettman calling the action ringside:

"Well, you know JR, we have a lot of strong teams that are battling against the odds, which makes it all the more enticing for the fans. What's even better, is that we hate Canada about as much as Montreal hates Shawn Micheal's; It's like bashing the Maple Leaf with a steel chair every time we expand to somewhere like Nashville for South Florida!"

2. For the All-Star Skills Competition (I might slip up and call it the All-Star Game from time to time) there are a lot of empty seats. Ladies and Gentlemen, coming to the NHL in 2012...the New Mexico Black Panthers! We're just another place that shouldn't really have a team!

3. The music is a techno remix of James Bond. I want my N64 and Goldeneye back.

4. The announcers voice may possibly be a reason for number two.

5. It really must suck to be Marian Hossa. Constant trade rumors, a horrible track record in the playoffs, and you have to skate in before Ilya Kovalchuk so you know your cheer will sound like nothing compared to his.

7:17: Wouldn't it be awesome if we could have 11 representatives from one team like in the NFL? The game would be full of Detroit Red Wings and Ottawa Senators....wait....forget that...

7:19: Jim Hughson is God.

And with that, it's time for the first event: The revamped Obstacle course. This year there are four sub-skills included:

    1) The first competitor stick-handles through a line of pucks.

    2) The second competitor has to hit three saucer passes over a barrier, trying to score on a mini-net.

    3) One-timers. This is exactly how it sounds, but with a target.

    4) The goalies get an opportunity to score! This is my new favorite event.

7:23: The West leads with Henrik Sedin, Joe Thornton, Chris Pronger, and Chris Osgood, followed by the East's Jason Spezza, Marc Savard (who was thoroughly booed), Sergei Gonchar and Tim Thomas. So far both goalies have scored!

7:26: Rick Dipietro just scored twice, beating all other goalies, while the East jumps to a 2-1 lead (goals are awarded for individual and team performance during the competitions). On a side note, every one-timer competitor seemed to forget that they had to return to the side of the net to pass the puck to the goalie. Not the best idea when it's a timed competition.

7:31: Following a conversation with Jarome Iginla and Dion Phaneuf talking about the stiffness of their wood...the Fastest Skater Competition. This year, instead of doing a lap, it's merely just a sprint. I guess I'll buy that.

7:36: In a huge surprise, I actually enjoyed this competition! It was close every time, and there was even controversy with who won between Kovalchuk and Shawn Horcoff! Horcoff eventually ended up winning the entire competition, beating Brian Campbell in the finals. West: 3 East: 2

7:41: It's time for the Elimination Shootout! Fresh off of a Newfoundland reference (from Scott Oak: "Go for the Gullies"...if you don't get it, don't ask, even Canadians don't understand Newfies) they get right into it, as Dion Phaneuf proves his dominance. Not only is his first goal a beauty which was led off by a fake slap shot, but he and Manny Legace secure a victory for the West in the finals, as Dion scored (being the lone shooter for the West) and Manny stopped THREE East shooters. This is a comeback of the 2004 Red Sox proportions!! (Okay...maybe not)

For the "Tim McCarver Obvious Sportscaster Comment" award, it goes to the entire CBC for this gem: "In the shootout, Hossa either dekes, or he shoots."

7:58: It's time for the "World's Best Teenage Shinny Game". After an interview, Savard promises to come back and do commentary. For the sake of time, we're fast forwarding.

8:11: It's the end of the first period (6 minutes, running time) and the East is winning 6-2. I'm starting to think that overtime should just be "3-on-3, whoever scores the most goals in 5 minutes wins" in the NHL's regular season.

8:13: Jim Hughson lends Marc Sacard a few color commentary tips: "Whenever you don't know what's going on, just go "OOOHHHH"!!!

8:19: After a couple more "Oh"s from Jim and the boys, the East wraps up a 7-6 win (making this the best Young-Stars game in history by a long shot). This is soon followed by Elliote Friedman and Chris Letang engaging in the single-most awkward All-Star Weekend interview ever. If I was Bill Simmons, this would rank an 84 on the Unintentional Comedy Scale. West: 5 East: 4

8:24: That was probably the greatest tribute to Stompin' Tom's Hockey Song ever. If a non-Canadian watched this, he'd think the entire country is nuts. It actually is, but it's probably best if you just keep thinking we're all drunk beaver hunters.

8:31: High comedy at it's finest: Chris Pronger tries to cut in on an interview, but ends up tripping and falling before getting to the camera. Maybe Edmonton is better off without him?

8:39: Thomas Kaberle goes 8/9 in the accuracy competition (A 4/4 in the preliminary round, 3/4 in the finals, and 1/1 in the tiebreaker) and supplies Leafs fans with the lone bright spot of their season. Soon he'll be traded for a sixth round draft pick!! (It's the Toronto Maple Leafs! We trade All-Stars for spare parts!!! Feel the Magic!!!) East: 6 West: 5

8:43: Hitch is on at 9:00....for some reason I care? 

8:45: Thomas Kaberle: "Maybe I should shoot more, but that's not what I do, I'm a passer." How did he know that's what I wanted to hear? 

8:46: And now it's time for the Al MacInnis Hardest Shot competition. Actually, I think it should be called the Al MacFrate competition; they both deserve recognition. For a majority of the competition, Vinny Lecavailler held the mark with a 101.9 mph shot...and then Zdeno Chara blasted a 103.1 mph shot on the final shot of the contest. An idea for next year: Same competition, but keep the goalies IN the net. Then we can create a reality show from the ensuing lawsuits!!

9:02: Time for the NHL's Slam-Dunk contest! Complete with Dominique Wilkins!!! (Did you ever notice that his number hangs beside Ted Turners banner? These are things that I believe you need to know)

9:05: Pavel Datsyuk=Boring

9:06: Martin St. Louis tries to skate backwards. Other than that=boring.

9:07: Ryan Getzlaf probably has the best bald spot in the NHL. I can't help looking at it. He combines the Pavel Bure-kick and the Lemieux-Through the Legs but fails to score.

9:08: Ilya Kovalchuk= An inaccurate score. Scott Mellanby is the biggest homer if I ever saw one. Also on the board are Bill Clement (former Atlanta Flame) and Taylor Kitsch. You know, the guy from Friday Night Lights? Yea, him. Go figure. 

9:12: Marian Gaborik= Kinda Boring.

9:15: Ovechkin scores on an average move, but on his second attempt, he bats the puck Crosby-style three times, and then tries to bat it out of mid-air into the net. He missed, but I can't help but think how much better that move would have been if he missed the puck, but clocked Osgood in the side of the head.

9:17: Getlaf tries to lacrosse it, but fails. Ovechkin on the other hand, well he does the same move, but hits it higher this time, he spins, waits for the puck to come down and then....misses the puck in mid-air. Still good enough for an 8-9-9-9 score card.

9:19: Two average moves finish off the show. Ovechkin wins, as he should, because...well...his skills make me feel like I'm sub-par at walking. I don't even understand how that's possible. Oh well, at least I can grow a better beard than him.