Bush Asking for $700 Billion Bailout of Auburn Football Program

Contributor Written on October 22, 2008

WASHINGTON—Struggling to stave off football catastrophe, the Bush administration on Wednesday laid out a radical bailout plan with a jaw-dropping price tag: a takeover of a half-trillion dollars or more in an attempt to pay all of Auburn's existing offensive coordinators' buyouts that they still owe.

It's a task that is daunting and has struck fear in the eyes of many on the plains, but if successful it could possibly get Auburn's football program to a bowl game.

Relieved fans sent merchandise sales soaring at Anders bookstore. Toomer's Drug Store experienced a complete resurgence in sales the day before on rumors that the federal action was afoot.

A grim-faced President Bush acknowledged risks to taxpayers in what would be the most sweeping collegiate football intervention to rescue a failing football program since the '70s. But Bush declared, "The risk of not acting would be far higher. What is happening on the plains is nothing that resembles the game of football, and we have a moral obligation to clean up the mess."

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written on October 22, 2008 Humor