NFL Players Getting in Touch with Their Feminine Side

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NFL Players Getting in Touch with Their Feminine Side
Chris Graythen/Getty Images

Do you remember when there used to be specific gender traits?  Mind you I am not complaining that the gender line has been blurred through the years, but I have to say that I think that the male sex has embraced their feminine side more than the female sex has embraced their masculine side.

We always hear that women have had to let go of femininity to climb the corporate ladder or make their mark in male-dominated fields, but what about the men who are in these he-man fields who let down their testosterone guard for the finer and gentler things in life.

Last week, Miami Dolphin Kendall Langford lost his diamond earring on the field while practicing.  Yes, he and his fellow teammates had to drop to their hands and knees and scour the turf in search of his “bling."

Okay, the earring was worth $56,000. When I heard that price tag, I could see Marilyn Monroe turning over in her grave knowing that now “Diamonds are a guy’s best friend”! Did the team find the two-plus-carat accessory?  No. The players had to call off the search because they were running late for a team meeting. 

I can understand this football player’s heart wrenching disappointment for this lost bauble.  What girl has not dropped that special piece of jewelry given to us by a boyfriend? What female has not had her best girlfriends helping her search carpeting, sidewalks or underneath bleachers after a romantic tryst for that sentimental piece of bling? Okay, our bling might have been worth significantly less than $56,000, but jewelry is jewelry.

Now, before anyone decides to try and sneak into the Dolphins’ playing field to find the diamond stud, don’t bother.  Another reason why the search was called off was because the turf crew was beginning to mow, so my guess is that there is a wealthier landscaper running around Dade County these days.

Bling is not the only area where he-men have blurred the gender line.  As I was listening to sports radio the other day, I heard two broadcasters discussing New England Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady.   “What’s the big deal about this?” you may ask.  I know. He is one of the superstars of the game.

However, these broadcasters were not discussing his QB rating or his team’s chances for getting to the Super Bowl this season. No, they were discussing his new haircut.  Apparently, they did not approve of his new Justin Beiber cut (yes, they knew who Justin Beiber was), and they believe that his stylist gave him bad advice. They preferred the shorter, more masculine hair cut that Brady sported the last few seasons. It gave him a tougher image and a more confident look whereas this cut made him appear softer and more sensitive. Off the field, they thought this might be nice style for dress-up occasions, but it was not a good choice for the NFL season.

This was like a five-minute discussion. When did an NFL player’s “do” become the main topic for sports radio shows?  Also, I have heard discussed the frequency that players get manicures and pedicures.  Again, I am all for personal grooming, but it is difficult for me to imagine someone beating the crap out of another man on the playing field and then two hours later deciding whether he will get clear polish or go crazy and get the French manicure?

While we are on the subject of hair: Steelers’ player Troy Polamalu has his long, flowing-out of control locks insured for one million dollars.  Technically, Head and Shoulders has his hairdo insured because Polamalu is a spokesperson for the shampoo. 

So now when he is on the Sunday gridiron, I wonder if he is going to tuck it in under his helmet like the old ladies who tuck their hair under the plastic rain caps so they don’t get messed up in the wind and rain.  Hey, in the NFL if a player has hair exposed, it is legal for an opposing player to tackle him using that hair.  I have to believe that Head and Shoulders just cringes every time another player pulls down Polamalu to the ground.  I can hear the shampoo big wigs screaming,

“Break any bone you want; you can even make him bleed, but please do not touch a hair on that head!”

I know that professional athletes have always taken care with their wardrobes and appearance, and I admit I like a man who wants to look good, but I don’t want him to outshine me.  I hate that they have better jewelry than me; I hate that they know more about hair conditioner and skin moisturizers than me; I hate that they spend more time in the stylist’s chair than me; and I hate that they know more about fashion than me. 

Where will this madness end?  Will it lead to men adopting women’s other cultural habits like going to the bathroom in groups?  Will they call each other up on the phone just to say hello and see what is on each other’s minds? Will they start to experience PMS and go on crying jags just because they feel the need to cry?   Will they become the new main demographic for Cosmopolitan?

Well, to be honest, I could live with the last one. If they are reading Cosmo then they are reading about finding a woman’s “G” spot and that can only help women in the long run, unless, of course, men discover they have a new “G” spot too. Yeah, that is what men need, another reason to have sex.

When they put the microphone in the huddle so we can all listen to the players’ conversations, will we hear words like, “I’m so bloated today. Tell me the truth; do I look fat in these pants because I feel fat?” 

Anyway, my point is this (yes, I have a point, I know I’m shocked too): Can we have some gender boundaries so we know who are men and who are women?  Just some—I don’t want to go back to 1950s society, but I want a guy who can look good, smell good, and be sensitive to me. I want a man, who when I come down the steps in my finest outfit, says, “Wow, you look great!”  Not, “Wow, those earrings you have on would go a lot better with what I am wearing!” 

Is this too much to ask?

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