Madden 2011: Five Type of Players You Will Meet Online

It’s the closest thing to the real thing: Madden NFL Football.

You call the shots, you make the plays, you move the chains.

It’s all X's and O's against the AI opponents, but venturing into the abyss that is online play, one game to the next, you never know who you will meet on the virtual gridiron.

That is where the proverbial stuff starts to hit the fan.

The “Airs It Out Long”

Chicks dig the long ball. The best defense is a good offense. This is the player that runs “Streaks” on every down, fourth down included.

You happen to be from Detroit, drowning in sorrow because Barry Sanders is gone. What better way to remedy your anger by pitting your hometown Lions against the Patriots, right?

You think to yourself, “I’ll use Ndamukong Suh to run the ball and never get tackled.” You come to find out that his speed is 13 and his juke move is not good.

Tom Brady from 2007 enters the game, and Randy Moss is all of the sudden 40 yards behind your defense with the ball in his hands going in for six.

Your opponent has run four offensive plays and it’s 28-0.

How to avoid this: Don’t be the Lions.

The Gimmicks

Jeff Fisher loves to play Madden. He’s still petitioning EA Sports to model a play after the Music City Miracle.

That may or may not be true, but at any rate, these are the players that do the make the most peculiar things happen, while you sink into mix between embarrassment and “I’m never playing online again.”

You’ve played solid defense for three straight downs and it’s either fourth-and-two or fourth-and-10.

You know what’s coming.

You set up “Punt Return Block Zone,” imagining Josh Cribbs slipping through blocks and taking it back for six (Why are you the Browns anyway?).

Then, your opponent runs “Fake Punt Fumble-rooski,” and it goes for a touchdown because (1) you’re upset and (2) since you’re upset, you try to hit stick the snot out of the ball carrier, not to mention you’re the Browns.

Here’s a more straight-forward incident.

You’re playing against Andre Johnson, and he catches everything that gets thrown his way—including a David Tyree-esque helmet catch, a one-handed Reggie Wayne imitation and Johnson’s modus operandi, a slant route followed by eight broken tackles and six points for number 80.

The Quitters

We’ve all been here.

You score in the most ridiculous fashion to ever happen during online play. You’re laughing your head off and your opponent pulls the plug.

Or there’s a serious glitch leading to another laughing head situation, some points scored, and a very irate adversary.

Or you’re Adam Vinatieri on fourth down. There are :02 seconds left in a game against the Texans and you attempt a 65-yarder, and Gus Johnson mutters “It looks long enough.”

You know what comes next.

The Peyton Mannings

Much like playing the real Peyton Manning, one never really plays against him. He only loses and wonders how this man is not an alien.

But for all you know, the opponent on the other end is really Manning, and he’s audibled nine times during the 40 second play clock.

You swear that you might rack up 100 yards in delay of game penalties, but instead you see :01 flashing in red on every play.

Now, your middle linebacker is on the edge one-on-one against Reggie Wayne, and he goes for six.

The Conclusion

You made it to the last seconds of the game. No quits, no strange gimmicks to tell your friends.

You’re Oakland and somehow relishing a 24-20 lead over the Jets and :13 ticks left on the clock. You’ve pinned Mark Sanchez behind his own 20 yard line, and there are no timeouts.

Of course, this happens.

Your opponent cleverly calls a slip screen, but you’re smart and you play zone defense and have the flats covered nicely. The ball is snapped and the players responsible for guarding the screen pass get stuck running into the side of multiple offensive linemen as well as your own defenders.

LaDanian Tomlinson makes the catch, jumps into a time machine setting him back circa 2006, and subsequently makes every Jet defender eat turf, except Darelle Revis. LT, he stiff arms the chin strap out of Revis because you were trying to strip the ball.

Oh, LT goes for six and you lose.

Don’t quit though, it was a testament to how good LT once was.