Dallas Mavericks' Mark Cuban: Five Things He Should Consider Purchasing

Billionaire entrepreneur Mark Cuban is always in the market for something.

Known best for his ownership (and fervent public support) of the Dallas Mavericks, Cuban has also invested in fast food joints, movie theaters and cable network.

Just to name a few.

But he has also failed—twice now—to purchase a Major League Baseball team. Having thrown his hat and a massive check into the ring for both the Chicago Cubs and the Texas Rangers to no avail, you can be sure that Cuban is not just going to give up, sit back, and enjoy his wealth.

No, his money must be spent...er...invested in things that little boys usually dream of owning.

So let's take a look at some of the trinkets that Mark Cuban might still be interested in buying now that his most recent attempt to purchase the Rangers has fallen flat.

The New York Yankees

Ok, so his last two bids to purchase MLB teams ended in failure. Why should we be led to believe that he doesn't still want a baseball team?

And what better team to invest in than the New York Yankees, the perennial AL East powerhouse with a history richer than, well, Mark Cuban?

With the recent passing of infamous owner George Steinbrenner (RIP, from an O's fan) sons Hal and Hank Steinbrenner are now co-owners of the team. Surely Cuban could find a way to instigate some type of fraternal feud up in the owner's box.

Imagine the two brothers throwing down in fisticuffs during the 5th inning of Sunday afternoon game.

The cameras catch the fight just as Hank throws Hal out of the box onto the safety net, right above the unsuspecting audience.

No way Bud Selig allows the two brothers to continue running the team. And who do you think will be first in line with a multi-billion dollar check?

You got it.

Plus, given the rate at which the Yankees win championships, Cuban would finally be able to don a championship ring that has eluded him for so long in Dallas.

But that's just one of the perks.

The White House

Does Mark Cuban want to be in politics? Not that I know of.

Does Mark Cuban like to spend money and have people aware of his spending? Yes.

What better way to tell the entire American population that he's got more money than he knows what to do with than to purchase the property at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue?

Granted, Cuban would still let the First Family reside there, but it would not exactly be for free.

This is a guy who once paid for a semester of his college tuition by starting a chain-letter. He's got a knack for making money in ways others would feel uncomfortable employing.

But don't think that the President would be totally opposed to this idea.

While there is assuredly a high-quality man-cave hidden in the White House for presidents past and present to catch up on their favorite sports teams, can you imagine how Cuban would deck this place out?

Known for his constant and luxurious locker room upgrades at American Airlines Center, Cuban would see to it that the entire First Family has an HD flat-screen TV viewable from every location throughout the premises.

Would Cuban want to crash there when his Mavericks are in town playing the Wizards? Yes.

Would Secret Service let him in? Well, since he would've bought them too, you'd have to think the answer would be "yes" as well.

Burger King

Having already purchased several Dairy Queen franchises throughout the southwest, can you imagine the benefits that could be reaped by Cuban (and fat people) though the marriage of the Burger King and the Dairy Queen?

Let's face it, neither of these burger joints are the best in its respective categories. Each has its pros, each has its cons.

But what about their offspring?

Being able to offer a Whopper, your choice of franchise's french fries, and a Blizzard would be one of the most gluttonous yet satisfying meals that can be offered.

Though what could Cuban name it?

Traditionally, she should take his last name—as in Dairy King—but what happens to the Burger?

And any fast food joint with three or more words in its name is way too long for children to remember and say correctly, so don't give me some hyphenated combination of the two restaurants.

I've got it.

In honor of the one player who has kept the Mavericks (and Cuban) relevant for the past five years, I propose that the fast food mega-chain be named Dirk's, as the cholesterol intake would be high enough that only someone seven feet tall could handle it. 

Cuba

So he's now got the White House listed on his asset sheet, as well as the attention of every American. Now let's get him going on the world stage.

Cuba, with a going rate that would probably be comparable to the New York Yankees, could serve as Mark's ultimate get-away whenever David Stern is trying to slap him with another fine for acting up at a Mavs' game.

Plus, being able refer to every person in the island nation as "Cuban" would make Mark Cuban feel all warm and fuzzy inside, as if they were all one big happy family: a family full of baseball players whose training Cuban could fund before sending them to United States in something more comfortable than a sink basin across the Atlantic.

Though this transaction may need to wait until Fidel Castro is out of the picture, Cuban could certainly string together a public relations campaign within the small country that would make the natives buy into his purchase, as it would surely come with a cash infusion throughout the land.

Since the nation has made famous both sandwiches and cigars that are more top-of-mind than Mark Cuban, purchasing the country would ensure that when you hear the word "Cuban," you think of Mark.

Rather than a tangy pulled-pork meal or a finely rolled stogie.

A Space Ship

Though I saved this one for last, it should perhaps be Cuban's very next purchase.

What better way to save face after losing out once again on buying a baseball team than to strap on your space suit, tell ESPN to shove it and take off for outer space.

And we've all seen the verbal spats he can get into during Mavericks games, spats in which Cuban has this look in his eye like he's thinking, "Ohhhh man, if only I had a space shuttle, you'd so be rocketing into the great abyss right now."

You know the look.

Kenyon Martin's mother wouldn't have stood a chance in the 2009 playoffs if Cuban already had a space shuttle.

She'd currently be preparing meals on whatever private planet Cuban would reside on in space (yes, he'd find a way to live on a planet, don't give me that excuse.)

Plus, this would put him on-par with fellow billionaire Richard Branson, only Cuban would be able to take a Blizzard machine with him into space.

Something even Branson has only dreamed of.