Philadelphia Phillies: Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

When the Phils lose, don’t get down. I’ve found that a really fun way to pass the time is to go to the pet shop, find a big cage of mice, and watch them fight for position on their wheel. Seriously. It’s hysterical. It doesn’t even take mind-altering drugs to enjoy a curious mouse getting damn near decapitated by an ambitious team on a wheel.

But don’t watch if an employee messed up and put one girl in with the guys. Watching a cage full of males with balls bigger than their brains chase an innocent lass about a brothel isn’t for the meek. That’s for Republicans.

Whoa! That comment was way past al dente!

The good news is Kyle Kendrick’s poor start has definitely taken the heat off Cole Hamels. It was disappointing seeing Hamels last only five innings until Kendrick tossed only four.

At least Kendrick didn’t walk the first batter on four pitches like the 2008 World Series MVP. But when Nyjer Morgan stretched the first pitch into a triple, it ignited a Nationals offensive that ended with a 3-0 lead going only five batters deep in the lineup in the first inning. And the long ball didn’t even come into play. That’s a rate of manufacturing I thought only took place in China.

The bad news is, there’s no word on Joe Blanton’s return from a muscle strain. They said he felt nothing, even when he ran, but I swear that’s the tremor that woke me from my nap.

The good news is, we got a good look at our bullpen. The bad news is, we had to get a good look at the bullpen. The biggest surprise to me was that Chad Durbin made an appearance Wednesday as the Durbinator instead of Disturbin’ Durbin. That’s probably because ex-Philly Tyler Walker came out as Kick-Ass and sent six straight Phils back to the dugout to question why we’re batting against him.

Antonio Bastardo is still appearing as a peep show, Ryan Madson has yet to close without prompting my husband to throw the f-bomb, and I don’t think anyone really knows who else is sitting in the pen.

I don’t. I’ll have to sit down with my binoculars at the first game and really check out the physiques. I know it’s creepy but it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.

More good news: Jayson Werth gets his energy from his hair. He fired up his ugly chop swing to get his first three extra base hits of the season. He’s lucky he’s a sprawling cool drink of water with locks to manhandle ‘cause his swing ain’t got a thing. But his do does. Trust me, the pomp around Rod Blagojevich’s locks is nothing compared to the fantasies Jayson’s rug creates in the minds of middle-aged women.

Okay, maybe I’m speaking for myself. But I’ll bet if the Citizens Bank Park promotional giveaway on Mother’s Day was a Jayson Werth wig, it’d have to come with a dose of Cialis.

More good news… Placido Polanco is exactly as advertised. The Big Machine, Ryan Howard, calls him The Igniter. Polanco was recruited to replace Pedro Feliz, even though when Pedro joined the Phils in 2008, he was slated as one of the best third basemen in the MLB.

I know what it’s like when your best isn’t enough. Even with Victoria’s Secret keenest invention, I barely manage a 32A—and that’s only on a heavy water-retention day. They could make a bra that comes out of the box looking like a sculptured marble bust and I couldn’t hold up a tube top.

But Polanco doesn’t sag. He’s a lifetime .304 hitter. He stayed alive at the plate in the eighth so long I thought I heard the Bee Gees singing.

But it wasn’t enough. When the Nats intentionally walked Ryan Howard to put the winning run on base in the ninth, I was as nervous as a virgin in a Roman Polanski movie. But you can’t win them all. Like an A cup dreaming of supporting a strapless sundress, it wasn’t meant to be. The Phillies lost 5-6 and were 1 for 14 with RISP. Having that many guys in scoring position who fail to make it all the way around the bases is like an eternal state of high school. And equally as frustrating.

So we’ve seen the bullpen. We’ve also seen Jimmy Rollins looking like Jimmy Rollins should; Ryan Howard enjoying the unseasonably warm weather by finding the sweet spot in his bat like the girl he knew the night before, and Tom McCarthy summed up Chase Utley the best— “Man, is he a great baseball player!”

The Phils top five guys did what the top five guys were supposed to do, but ironically pushing Shane Victorino to the seven spot didn’t improve on what Pedro Feliz failed to do late in the lineup either. And no one’s talking about the cold bat of Raul Ibanez.

The good news is, it’s early. Way early. And if the Phillies win two of every three, they’ll end the season with 108 wins.

The bad news is the pet shop’s plumb out of mice.

Go Phils!