EDIT: View Part Two Here!
Before I begin, let me tell you that on many hockey forums there is a great tradition of coming up with the titles of books that hockey players should write but that may not become bestsellers.
I've created some of these on my own, but let me say right now that I'm not going to take credit for them all because it would be a slap in the face to the fans that took the time to create the others.
But since the authors' names are unknown, who gets the credit?
As I said, many of these are from different message boards where the author's name is hidden by a crafty username, therefore the credit must go simply to the die-hard hockey fan. Wherever you are, whoever you are, these are for you!
Hockey books that would just never sell...
Professionalism and the Work Place by Kevin Lowe and Brian Burke
NHL Players: Inside and Out by Elisha Cuthbert
Empty Net Breakaways for Dummies by Patrik Stefan
Giving Hits, Taking Hits, and Ordering Hits by Mike Danton
The Art of Graceful Skating by Phil Esposito
Keeping the Bench Nice and Cozy Warm by Scott Clemmensen
Having a Personality by Chris Drury
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Sean Avery
How to Drive by Dany Heatley
Trusting Your Goaltender by Mike Keenan
Family Values by Martin Brodeur
Heads up Hockey by Eric Lindros
Putting Your Left Foot Forward by Evgeni Malkin
Prospect Management by Mike Milbury
Making the Right Call by Mick Mcgeough
Marketing 101 by the New Jersey Devils Organization
The Holy Bible by Miroslav Satan
Best Bars in Nagano by the United States Olympic Team
Seven Habits of Effective Goaltending by Dan Cloutier
Today's Must Reads
Body Checking 101 by Marek Malik
Picking the Perfect Babysitter by Doug Gilmour
The Fundamentals of Baseball by Chris Simon
1-2-3 Concussion Free! by the Philadelphia Flyers Training Staff
A Complete History of the Turtleneck Sweater by Alexei Yashin
Putting Your Nuts on the Line by Patrick Thoreson
How to Celebrate a First Round Victory by the Montreal Canadiens' Fan Base
How to Be a Team Player by Ray Emery
To Kill a Mocking Fan by Mike Millbury
How to Grow a Playoff Beard by Sidney Crosby
How to Look Older Than 12 by Daniel Briere
Eight Minute Abs by Keith Tkachuk
Pinching and You: The Offensive D-Man by Sandis Ozolinsh
Sobriety and You by Kevin Stevens and Theo Fleury
The Stanley Cup by the City of Buffalo, NY
How I Won a Cup with Colorado and Got Traded to Calgary by Chris Drury and Alex Tanguay
Number One Draft Picks Always Pay Off by Alexander Daigle
I'm Too Old for This Shit by Lester Patrick
How to Look Beautiful by Mike Ricci
How to Build a Highly Respectable Franchise by Charles Wang
Diversity and the Workplace by Marty McSorley
Out on the Town: How to Properly Whine and Dine by Sidney Crosby
Carpal Tunnel: Knowing When to Say When by Alan Bass
Without a Trace: Playoff Scoring by Mike Gartner
Knowing When to Quit: When Enough Is Enough by Chris Chelios and Mark Recchi
Where the Hell Am I? by R.J Umberger
Locking Them Up Forever: How to Effectively Issue a No-Trade Clause by John Ferguson, Sr.
Aim High by Chris Simon
How to Stick Up for Teammates by Todd Bertuzzi
Goalie Positioning by Clint Malarchuk
Safe Gambling by Janet Gretzky and Rick Tocchet
Best Friends Forever by Dany Heatley
How to Properly Wear a Seat Belt by Dan Snyder
Porsche 930 Turbo: A High Performance Vehicle by Pelle Lindbergh
General Managing for Dummies by Garth Snow
Oversensitivity by Mark Messier
Keeping Your Cool by Patrick Roy and Son
Stickhandling for Success by Ryan Hollweg
Not Welcome by Alexei Yashin
Shooting the Puck by the New York Rangers Powerplay Unit
Helmets: Who Needs 'em? by Pat LaFontaine
Easy Money by Rick Tocchet
Eye on the Prize by Bryan Berard
Smart Hockey Is Winning Hockey by Bobby Clarke
How to Build a Winning Franchise by the Toronto Maple Leafs Organization
My Day with the Stanley Cup by the Philadelphia Flyers Organization
When to Stop Drinking by the Staal Brothers
How to Play Hockey and Collect Social Security by Chris Chelios
The Art of the Tracheotomy by Richard Zednik
How to Lose with Dignity by Evgeni Malkin
A Step by Step Guide to Winning a Fight by Todd Fedoruk
Ignoring Fans from the Penalty Box by Tie Domi
What Puck? Where?: A History of My Life in Hockey by Mike Dunham
Keeping the Puck inside the Rink by Espen Knutsen
English for Dummies by Darius Kasparaitis
How to Cope with the Fear of Scott Stevens by Eric Lindros
No! It Doesn't Run in the Family by Marcel Hossa
101 Donut Recipes by Jim Schoenfeld
Well, there you have it, the best titles of books that should be written by hockey players but that just may not fly off the shelves. But who knows? In this world, maybe they would.
I hope you enjoyed them and I'm sure you have some of your own which you'd like to add. Please feel free to add them in the comments!
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about 1 month ago
These were my favourites:
Trusting Your Goaltender by Mike Keenan
"No! It Doesn't Run in the Family" by Marcel Hossa
101 Donut Recipes by Jim Schoenfeld
Great job Greg.
about 1 month ago
My favourites:
How to Grow a Playoff Beard by Sidney Crosby
Out on the Town: How to properly Whine and Dine by Sidney Crosby (i'm sensing a dislike for Crosby)
Keeping Your Cool by Patrick Roy and Son
about 1 month ago
For those of you that don't understand the last one...
http://youtube.com/watch?v=asOmo8a4hrE
about 1 month ago
good stuff Greg! u got my pick of the day for this one.
about 1 month ago
Porsche 930 Turbo: A High Performance Vehicle by Pelle Linberg
Ooh....a bit of a touchy subject for a flyers' fan, but i loved every other one. hilarious greg!!!
about 1 month ago
A few questions:
1. How do you come up with like 80 book titles?
2. How did you come up with over 100 signs you are an NHL fan (earlier article EVERYONE should read)?
3. Did either of that two-part series get pick of the day? This one's getting mine, and it's not even 11am PDT!
A few notes:
1. I especially liked the following authors: Avery, Mcgeough (who should spell it McGoo since he's as blind!), Satan (I still saved the AP headline from this year: "Satan sinks Devils"), the U.S. Olympic Team, Ricci, and Milbury (specifically "To Kill a Mocking Fan")!
2. I want to read Thoreson's book, and I actually think he should write that--no one's questioning his toughness, even if they do question his cajones!
3. The following books should have the following author changes: Diversity' should be written by McSorely AND Vanbiesbrook, Shooting the Puck by the Rangers AND Sharks, and Carpal Tunnel by Bass AND Caggiano. Finally, only Chelios has a right to write any book on being too old.
from about 1 month ago
Well to answer your questions MJ:
1. I only created about ten of these book titles myself, the rest are from friends, fellow Rangers fans and hockey message board junkies.
2. The Obsessed NHL Fan articles were completly original on my part, they just took lots of time during the long, boring summer days known as the off-season.
3. As for winning picks of the day, the first part of the Obssesed articles won and the second recieved like ten votes and didn't win. So far I have three votes for this one so hopefully with a little bit of luck, it will win.
I'm even thinking of making a sequel to this article, but I'm not going to unless I have enough and it's good stuff. Thanks for the kind words!
about 1 month ago
great article.
about 1 month ago
I cant stop laughing Greg!
In Anaheim theres a best seller called "I don't know when to retire" by Doug Weight
about 1 month ago
Part Two tomorrow everyone! I've thought of and found some more! Stay tuned...
about 1 month ago
How to Drive a Motorcycle by Alex Kovalev.
about 1 month ago
How to Keep your Goaltender Happy by Mario Tremblay
about 1 month ago
Heatley driving jokes aren't funny.
Someone died.
from about 1 month ago
I do agree with that, and especially your next statement.
about 1 month ago
Let me add...otherwise it was a great article.
about 1 month ago
Some more for you. :)
Mascots and Marketing: Craig Mactavish
The art of consistency: Geoff Sanderson
A complete guide to building a career in the crease: Darren Pang
The idiot's Guide to Retiring with Dignity: Marty mcSorley
I have to say: the Heatley/Snyder's were too far, buty other than that entertaining.
about 1 month ago
Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, See No Evil—Bryan Berard and Harvey the Hound (Foreward by Lennox Lewis)
The Soccer Player in You—Chris Pronger
Duck When You're On the Bench—Pierre McGuire
Scoring on Your Back: It is as Easy as it Looks—Alexander Ovechkin
How to Make Pierre McGuire Wet His Pants—Dion Phaneuf
I love this Greg! Keep it coming!
Ps. Ken, shut up about Doug Weight....he's the Islanders' problem now :P
BT
from about 1 month ago
Also:
I Owned Up to Breaking the Law and All I Got was this 20 Game Suspension—Mark Bell
Why the Court of Law Can't Help you on the Ice—Donald Brashear and Steve Moore
Tackling: It's Not Just for Football Players—Todd Bertuzzi
One Goal Wonders: The Marek Malik Story
When the Entire Country is Counting On You....Shoot it Off Someone Else Into Your Own Net—Marc-Andre Fleury
Why I Didn't Let Gretzky or Yzerman Shoot in '98—Marc Crawford
-Sequel: Why Was I the Head Coach in 1998?—Marc Crawford
Hey Guys Where's My Face?—Kris Draper (Foreward by Claude Lemieux)
-Sequel: The Art of Turtling—Claude Lemieux (Forward by Darren McCarty)
Defense is Overrated: The Tampa Bay Lightning Story
Enough is Enough—Igor Larianov and Julio Franco (Forward by Moses)
Damn it Greg, now I'm addicted
I do agree with Spencer though that the Dany Heately jokes are a little edgy....same with Pelle over there
BT
about 1 month ago
That was awesome!
A few more:
Parade Route Planning by MLSE
Jumping in Feet First by Pat Peake
Financial Planning and You by Darren McCarty
The Home Buyers Guide by Michel Petit
Sniff, Sniff, Sniffles by Bob Probert (Completed for John Kordic)
Dancing 101 by Mike Foligno
The Functioning Member of Society. 10 Steps to Improving Your Worth After Severe Head Trauma by Nick Kypreos
about 1 month ago
Wow, if I use the ones you guys gave me, I'll have enough for a four parter lol...
about 1 month ago
Funny stuff!
about 1 month ago
"Why Sidney Crosby sucks and I'll ALWAYS be the great one": Wayne Gretzky
about 1 month ago
Some more:
Error-Free Defense by Bryan McCabe
Consistent Goaltending by Andrew Raycroft
Exceeding Expectations by Alexander Daigle
Getting Along with Co-workers by Ray Emery
Accountability by Richard Peddie
Making Quick Decisions by Mats Sundin
Smart Contract Negotiation by John Ferguson Jr.
The Benefits of Short-Term Contracts by Charles Wang
Injury Resistance by Carlo Coliaicovo
The Importance of Great Goaltending by the L.A. Kings
Draft Team Loyalty by Eric Lindros, Reissued by Blake Wheeler
Goal Scoring by Wade Belak
Fighting by Nick Kypreos
Visors: Who Needs Them? by Bryan Berard
Making The Playoffs by the Columbus Blue Jackets
Playoff Success by the Ottawa Senators
about 1 month ago
Guys, it looks like I will have way more then enough for a sequel tomorrow, I'm also selecting some of the ones posted here today, so check back tomorrow to see if your's made it.
And thanks to all who have voted so far, up to NINE votes!
Greg
about 1 month ago
Classic! I love the Satan one.
about 1 month ago
Damn good article! Funniest I've ever read here!!!!!
POD vote for sure my man!
about 1 month ago
Love this article. It's hillarious. My pick of the day =]
about 1 month ago
Haha, wow, this definitely made me laugh on a boring summer's day. Here are a couple that I thought up, to get in the spirit:
The Stanley Cup Finals and You! by the San Jose Sharks
The Playoffs: Finding that Extra Level Within Yourself by Joe Thornton
from about 1 month ago
Wow! I Love it when someone burns the Sharks! Welcome to Bleacher Report Ann.
about 1 month ago
I thank you all who voted, this is the most votes I've ever gotten for an article of mine with 12, but unfortunately, I lost AGAIN to an F1 Racing article.
The sequel will be published tomorrow, even though it will all be for nothing.
about 1 month ago
HAHAHA awesome stuff Greg, Loved it!
about 1 month ago
Little did I know that Hockey was such a cut throat sport. Loved your article and your humor.
about 1 month ago
Online Gambling and Asset Management for Dummies, by Jaromir Jagr
Stanley Cup Finals Goaltending, by Ty Conklin
Absolute awesome article
about 1 month ago
Unbiased commentating, by Bob Cole and Don Cherry
Knowing hockey, by Pierre McGuire and Bob Mackenzie
about 1 month ago
Other than the Heatley one, the Knutsen and Gilmour ones are a bit touchy too.
But other than that, this was awesome haha
about 1 month ago
I might steal this idea and write an NBA version. Is that alright?
from about 1 month ago
Sure, no problem...
about 1 month ago
the Bryan Berard and Dan Snyder stuff is rough
i felt bad laughing
about 1 month ago
Actually, the Espen knutsen one is a bit tasteless, too. That incident destroyed him. He wasn't a superstar before, but he pretty much lost any skill or desire he had after that girl was killed.
It was a freak accident.
about 1 month ago
Memoires of a GQ model, by Tim Hunter
about 1 month ago
I agree with the Espen Knutsen being a bit tasteless. That was a pure accident. He took the shot but he didn't deflect it. The doctors are the ones who didn't catch the problem that lead to her death.
A better one for Berard could be: Steriods: How to use and not get caught.
about 1 month ago
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
PART TWO HAS NOW BEEN PUBLISHED!
CHECK IT OUT!
about 1 month ago
AMAZIN LIST
about 1 month ago
Great stuff Greg. Here are some of my own (like you needed more...)
-How to be Successful AND Good Looking - Bobby Holik and Lyle Odelein
-How to Play Dump-And-Chase Hockey - Jaromir Jagr
-Staying Calm and Relieving Anxiety - John Tortorella
-Team Defense - Pavel Bure
-Sights and Sounds in Newark, NJ - Barry Melrose
-Nik Antropov is Good....Really! - The Toronto Maple Leafs Organization
-I'm a Fuckin Washed-Up Meatball - Todd Bertuzzi
Actually, that last one might sell a lot.
about 1 month ago
Backchecking by Jaromir Jagr
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