Gilbert Arenas Challenges David Stern to Duel

With rumors floating that NBA Commissioner David Stern will suspend Washington Wizard Gilbert Arenas for the rest of the season, Arenas officially challenged Stern to duel this evening in the New York headquarters of the NBA.

Multiple sources report that Arenas showed up alone at Stern’s office around four o'clock, took off one of his forearm length leather gloves and slapped Stern briskly in the face with it.

Following strict parliamentary procedure, Arenas then declared, “You sir, have impugned my honor and I challenge you to a duel!”

Stern tried to explain to Arenas—who a witness described was dressed as “The Fourth Musketeer”—that even though it might not seem like it, the NBA has rules and occasionally they have to be enforced. Especially when it involves game-rigging referees, players attacking fans and B-level stars like yourself bringing four guns into an NBA facility.

But Arenas was not to be deterred.

It was at this time witnesses reported that Arenas produced “a lovely, thin oak box adorned with metal engravings,” and opened it to reveal two old-fashioned single-shot flintlock dueling pistols, valued at well over $100,000 dollars each—a relative pittance to Arenas who is only in year two of six-year $111 million dollar contract.

“Gilbert instructed Mr. Stern to choose his weapon,” NBA employee Rebecca Robbins said, “and told him he would see him at dawn on Fifth Avenue, in front of the NBA store.”

Robbins said at that point Arenas gave Stern an extremely harsh, judgemental stare, bid us all a terse “Good day!” and dramatically whipped his cape around, just before bolting out of the office before security could arrive.

Stern, in-tune with his history, has denied the incident, but reportedly is in the process of learning how to use the notoriously hard to handle musket ball firing pistols.

Meanwhile, Wizard GM Ernie Grunfeld, could barely hide his happiness with recent events. If Arenas is charged with a crime, the Wizards may be able to void his backbreaking contract, which still has them on the hook for over $90 million dollars.

A contract that, ironically, Grunfeld happily gave Arenas since it was $16 million dollars less than the max deal Arenas could have commanded elsewhere.

“I heard about him challenging Stern to duel,” Grunfeld said. “Commissioner Stern better come ready. If it’s one thing Gilbert could always do, its shoot,” Grunfeld guffawed.

“No but seriously,” Grunfeld continued, trying to catch his breath, “Guns are very dangerous and the kids out there should know that the NBA is really against this kind of behavior, blah, blah, blah. ”

Attempts to reach Arenas for this story were unsuccessful but his last Twitter seemed to show no back-down in his intentions for Stern. “Hoop season Ovr 2day :( Duelng season starts 2mrw☺!!!”