NFL Power Rankings Week 12: Comparing Teams to Holiday Foods

'Tis the season!

As the winter grows colder, every red-blooded man wants to do what every red-blooded creature wants to do.

Hibernate.

To keep humans from falling asleep for six months out of the year, the sporting world has inserted some very important events into the schedule.

Ultimately, men know they need to get to March Madness. Along the way, the college bowl season, Super Bowl, and occasionally the Olympics keep men happy and give them something to wake up for.

However, not all men like sports.

Thus, the world has also inserted very important eating events into the schedule as well.

Can't miss turkey at Thanksgiving...or ham at Christmas...drinking at New Year's...etc.

Football and the holidays are forever mixed. For week 12, let's take a look at some popular (and not-so-popular) holiday foods.

32) Cleveland Browns—Egg Nog

If Hollywood decides to remake "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles." Is there any one better to stand in for John Candy than Eric Mangini?

The looks are definitely there. The cluelessness? Check. Inexplicably finds a job based on early career success? Double Check.

Egg Nog is an "acquired" taste.

It matched up well with the Cleveland Browns because, after a loss to the Detroit Lions, a little alcohol might make the situation just a little more bearable.

31) St. Louis Rams—Lutefisk

Vile.

Putrid.

Terrible.

Lutefisk is a holiday specialty in Norway along with many of the northern states where Scandinavian populations are high. It is white fish, soaked in lye—a poison.

Eventually, the combination turns to fishy jello. Andrew Zimmern of "Bizarre Foods" would barely touch the stuff and he's FROM MINNESOTA!

But actually, I was talking about the play of the St. Louis Rams.

The Rams have one win this year, against the Detroit Lions. They have only scored 113 points (only Oakland is worse). They have allowed opponents 270.

That differential of -157 is the worst in the NFL.

30) Tampa Bay Buccaneers—Giblets

Many a novice cook has finished their Thanksgiving meal with pride only to cut into the bird and realize that they didn't take out that nasty little wax paper covered "gift" of nastiness known as giblets.

Giblets, I believe, comes from the French. Loosely translated, it means "nasty crap."

Some people use the giblets to make gravy.

I hate you.

As for the Buccaneers, apparently usefulness is the name of the game. Outside of the Tampa Bay front office, no one else can seem to figure their roster out.

The depth chart of the Buccaneers reads more like a random collection of assorted parts.

Yuk.

29) Detroit Lions—Tofurkey

I am reminded of Tuesday Morning Quarterback (Gregg Easterbrook) who always referred to the Arizona Cardinals with the following disclaimed:

"Caution: May Contain Football Like Substance"

This week, the Detroit Lions are flying high because of a last second win against the Cleveland Browns. For this week—including a nationally featured game against the Green Bay Packers—the Lions are not a joke, but rather media darlings.

This can't end well.

No matter how you shape, flavor, or cook Tofu...it's not a Turkey and it's not good.

No matter how you package the Detroit Lions, it's not really football and it's not good.

28) Buffalo Bills—Mincemeat Pie

Name 10 Buffalo Bills.

Heck, name their coach or general manager.

Name the ingredients of mincemeat pie.

Can't do any of the above? You're like the majority of Americans.

'Nuff said.

27) Seattle Seahawks—Stollen

A picture of Jon Ryan is not included as some backhanded slap that the punter is the most important player on the Seattle Seahawks.

A picture of Jon Ryan is included because after image searching for "Seattle Seahawks," his picture was the first after nearly 10 pages of Minnesota Vikings pictures.

Then again, maybe both can be true.

A google search for "Stollen" returns 418,000 results. A search for "Stollen Stale" increases that number to over 4,000,000.

Matt Hasselbeck, Julius Jones, TJ Housmandzadeh, Walter Jones—a great idea, five years ago.

Now, its just stale.

26) Washington Redskins—Pickled Herring

Somewhere, probably in Poland—known for its genius—a man once thought to himself: "What can make this nasty fish taste better? I know, add a nasty cream sauce to it!"

That my friends is the management style of Dan Snyder.

The Washington Redskins just plain stunk a few years ago, yet everything he does just makes them worse.

Snyder seems to be OK with that.

25) Oakland Raiders—Ribbon Candy

Ribbon candy is that tasteless stuff that your Grandmother put out around the holidays. I believe the tradition states that your house will remain clean throughout the season as all the dust gathers around the candy.

The Oakland Raiders are not a horrible football team.

But, much like the Seahawks in the last slide, the Raiders are stale and gathering dust. The Raiders are also bland, scoring a league-low 108 points this season.

24) Kansas City Chiefs—Waldorf Salad

It's hard to be tough on the Kansas City Chiefs the week after they win their second straight game, this one against the World Champion Pittsburgh Steelers.

I'll do my best.

Somewhere, actually in New York City—known for its genius—a man looked at a plate of apples, walnuts and celery and thought to himself: "What would make this better? I know! Mayonnaise!

That man, a chef at the Waldorf-Astoria hotel, then decided to serve the nasty crap (or giblets for our French readers) over lettuce.

A bunch of random assorted parts (Cassell, Bowe, Dorsey) could conceivably work...unless the thing holding it all together (the offensive and defensive line) is a bunch of fatty junk.

23) Chicago Bears—Oyster Stuffing

Oyster Stuffing is absolutely revolting. It is the culinary equivalent of the slime from a Nickelodeon game show. It was, obviously, a last-ditch effort to resurrect some overdone/dry stuffing by adding something considered "elegant."

Well, problems abound with that combination—mostly, that anyone who eats oysters, eats them raw. Secondly, that nothing cooked inside of an animal should have free floating parts of unidentifiable slimy meat.

Jay Cutler was a last-ditch effort to resurrect the Bears' franchise. Jerry Angelo mortgaged the future for the young signal caller. The Bears will probably never have a first round draft pick ever again—if the Mayan calendar has anything to say about it.

Jay Cutler isn't even the biggest problem in the second city. The offensive tackles have been horrendous for the Bears.

They should draft a new guy.

Oh...wait...

22) New York Jets—Green Bean Casserole

Green Bean Casserole is either really good, or really bad. There is no middle ground.

The original stuff, a Campbell's soup sensation, is simplicity at its finest. Any Tom, Dick, or Harry chef can whip up some beans and some cream of mushroom soup and top with crunchy onions. Chefs have perfected the dish and one can find some pretty fancy variations.

Yet, at many Thanksgiving or Christmas tables, the dish is misfired on.

Somewhere between basting the turkey or frosting some cookies, someone either forgets to start the casserole or forgets to take it out. More often than not, the concoction comes to the table mushy, overdone, or missing something.

The New York Jets don't have a middle ground either. Everything about them is good—a young, talented starter; a solid running back; a good defensive coach; stellar offensive line...everything just should work out.

More often than not, the Jets just don't come out right.

21) San Francisco 49ers—Stove Top Stuffing

Stove Top Stuffing is classic.

When someone thinks holidays, stuffing is always part of the equation. Unless you're a socialist, a communist, or both, you love stuffing.

But, the classic version—Stove Top—just isn't very good.

Oh, there are those who would proclaim that it comes out of the box tasting just like mom used to make. I would caution you to never eat at that person's parents' house.

Stuffing is simple, solid, tasty, and necessary. But, out of the box, there is so many things that could be done to make it better.

Can you think of the NFL without the 49ers? The men in scarlet and gold are iconic. Whether the first image is Jerry Rice, Joe Montana, Steve Young, or even a streaking catch in the back of the end zone, the 49ers are ingrained in America's thoughts about the NFL.

But, nowadays, they can be so much better.

20) Tennessee Titans—Okra

CAPTION CONTEST! Which reader can come up with the funniest comment for this exchange between Vince Young and Mario Williams? A prize might be coming your way!
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Okra, much like the Tennessee Titans, is a Southern staple. Also, much like the former Oilers, Okra can take different forms. When the holidays roll around, in southern households, expect to see some sort of creamed, pickled, or fried version of the substance.

There is nothing inherently good about the vegetable and one has to go through great lengths to make it appetizing.

At the moment, the Tennessee Titans really only have one thing truly going for them, Chris Johnson. To go on this winning streak (three-in-a-row) the Titans have played above themselves and gotten surprising contributions from QB, Vince Young.

Will the Tennessee Titans continue to be palatable? It all depends on the cook (Jeff Fisher).

19) Carolina Panthers—Fruitcake

WARNING If you were hoping for a prize for the contest back on the Titans' slide, be warned...its fruitcake.
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There are approximately 2,159 fruitcakes in the world. Each year, the boxes of unidentifiable loaf are re-gifted to people that someone thinks they have to be nice to but don't really like.

No one has ever eaten a fruitcake. If someone says differently, never trust their words ever again. If fruitcake is actually, accidentally ingested, seek medical help immediately—at least to ease the pain.

Cake is great! If someone removed all the disgusting neon fruit, Fruitcake might be safe for human consumption.

The Carolina Panthers are great! A talented offensive line, Steve Smith, DeAngelo Williams...its a solid formula. However, the Panthers need to look at addition by subtraction in the very near future.

18) Baltimore Ravens—Fruit-filled Jello

What is the point of fruit-filled Jello?

Is it a salad—like some call it? Is it a fruit? Are you really fulfilling your government-directed eight servings with some sugary fruit cocktail inside of jello (sometimes topped by whipped cream)? Is it a dessert—a really crappy one?

What are the Baltimore Ravens?

Are the Ravens a defensive team? They have only given up 171 points—fourth best in the league. Are the Ravens a passing juggernaut? The early season exploits of Joe Flacco would suggest so. Are the Ravens a running team? Ray Rice has exploded onto the scene as a top NFL back.

Yet, the Baltimore Ravens can't really decide what the answer is. The Ravens don't have a true identity right now and are 5-5.

Note: I've removed a reference to the "easy schedule" of the Baltimore Ravens

17) Atlanta Falcons—Cornish Game Hens

A Cornish game hen is nothing more than a tiny chicken, period. It isn't fancy or exciting, it's just a little chicken. In fact, game hens—because they are smaller—are much harder to cook.

Likewise, the Atlanta Falcons are a smaller, less talented version of a great football team. The pieces are in place but if the slightest thing goes wrong, the Falcons can be a disaster.

16) Miami Dolphins—Cranberry Sauce

The Miami Dolphins are either scintillating or sinfully bad.

When the Dolphins should win a game, the Dolphins probably will—wins against Tampa Bay, New York, Buffalo, and Carolina prove that. The Dolphins, because of a cliche offense, can't beat a well-coached team.

No one is ever super excited about cranberry sauce—whether it is homemade or preformed in a can, it is a necessary evil at the holiday table.

The first bite is great and the last bite may even be satisfying, but the leftovers will never get eaten. Because frankly, much like the Dolphins, it might be good but there is always plenty around that is a lot better.

15) Houston Texans—Banana Pudding

Here's another southern staple. South of the Mason-Dixon, just about every family gathering or shindig has to have banana pudding with vanilla wafers. Paula Deen's bloodstream actually has little bits of wafer floating through it.

The Houston Texans are also wildly popular, no preseason would be complete without a dearth of pundits offering up the Texans as their darkhorse pick.

Take banana pudding off of the Thanksgiving table and it would be wildly successful. Among all that great food, it is an afterthought.

I can guarantee that the Texans would be a lot better than .500 in any league except the AFC South.

14) New York Giants—Gravy

Speaking of essentials to the holiday meal...

Gravy makes or breaks any family gathering.

But, has anyone had good gravy? Either it's from a can (blech), It's lumpy (yuck), it's watery (eew), burnt (gross), or there isn't enough (d'oh!).

The New York Giants season may come down to...just not enough, just not good enough. The G-men are 6-4 but lost four straight in their toughest stretch of games and needed a late field goal to beat the Falcons.

The Giants will simply need more, need better to play through the rest of a tough second half schedule.

13) Denver Broncos—Salad

Norv Turner: You should be kissed, and kissed often, and by someone who knows how.

Salad is great.

Eventually though, no matter what the greatest intentions might be, salad will get pushed to the side to make way for the better food on the holiday plate.

Denver was a great start to the season. But, let's be honest, Orton is a good QB but not amazing. The offensive line and running game was going to suffer transferring to a Patriots-style attack.

So, Denver, it was a great start to the season...but let's get on to the better football teams.

12) Pittsburgh Steelers—Sweet Potatoes

Do you like sweet potatoes? Do you like sweet potatoes without a ton of sugar and/or butter?

Didn't think so.

Are the Pittsburgh Steelers a great football team? Are the Pittsburgh Steelers a great football team without Troy Polamalu?

Didn't think so.

11) Green Bay Packers—Mashed Potatoes

Much like their starchy cousins above, mashed potatoes are great, but need something else to really complete the package.

Mashed potatoes without gravy (or at least slathered in butter) are like Sonny without Cher, peanut butter without jelly, a teen-age girl without a vampire fetish!

It just isn't right!

The Green Bay Packers don't have an offensive line. Aaron Rodgers would be better protected by some subway turnstiles or a line of police tape.

Green Bay has a top-flight passing attack and a great defense but the offensive line can't open up holes for the run game and can't protect Rodgers.

It just isn't right!

10) Philadelphia Eagles—Christmas Cookies

Everyone get's excited about cookies...everyone.

Add frosting and fun shapes and the excitement doubles. Whether its a frosted Santa (Menorah for our Talmud subscribing readers) or that perfect peanut butter cookie with a Hershey's Kiss on top ...cookies make the season.

Then, a few days after the cookies have sat around and no one wants to touch them.

The Philadelphia Eagles also have short bursts of relevance and success. The Eagles are the only team who may finish the season with more Sportscenter Top-10 highlights than wins. The Eagles are also the only team that finds it easier to score a 70-yard touchdown than a five yarder.

9) Jacksonville Jaguars—Corn

Around Thanksgiving, many cooks have to make decisions—turkey or ham? Biscuits or croissants? Cornbread or traditional stuffing?

The one decision no cook ever has to make is whether or not to serve corn.

Corn is the American vegetable—cheap to produce and utterly worthless in terms of nutrition, corn just screams obesity.

If you're not going to serve corn this Thanksgiving, why not just find a pilgrim and kick him right in the junk? Americans made a deal at Plymouth Rock, the Indians would give the Pilgrims all of their corn. The Pilgrims would give the Indians all of their small pox.

It was a fair trade...not keep up your end of the bargain!

I told you that story, which is an entirely true fact I made up for this slideshow, so I didn't have to come up with something interesting about the Jaguars. They're first in the AFC Wildcard race though...so that is sayin' something.

8) Dallas Cowboys—Turkey

Each year, count on the Detroit Lions and the Dallas Cowboys playing football. In the early game, the Lions can put on some reasonable football-like action. The Cowboys, however, are the real deal.

Jerry's kids have got to be the most maligned and scrutinized 7-3 team ever. Every little thing done wrong is a sign of the Apocalypse and a reason to fire the head coach or cut Tony Romo.

Out of all the Thanksgiving foods, turkey is, likewise, the most familiar and the most iconic. However, it is, likewise, the most scrutinized. Ever have the perfect Turkey? No one has—undercooked, overcooked, underseasoned, overseasoned, too dry, etc.

There has never been a turkey or a Cowboys team without its fair share of critics.

7) New England Patriots—Pecan Pie

Does anyone else look at that picture above and see only two people? Who knew that M.C. Escher worked for Getty Images?

Anyway, pecan pie is perfect—in its element.

No sane person (outside of the state of Georgia) eats pecan pie in any other month besides November or September. The only cure for a pecan pie craving during the summer months is sedation and a two week hospital stay.

At Gillette Stadium, the New England Patriots are 6-0. Overall, they are tied with the fourth-best record. The Patriots have also played the NFL's fourth hardest schedule.

6) Arizona Cardinals—Biscuits/Rolls

Ken Whisenhunt acting coy

Biscuits are the Devil's plaything.

Put a basket of warm bread near a group of people and they will eat it. Period. It doesn't matter how many people or how much bread—it will be gone and someone will ask for more.

Everyone, at least once in their life, ends up eating far too many rolls at the beginning of a meal and forgets the rest of the food is coming.

Ken Whisenhunt and the Arizona Cardinals have engorged themselves on the passing attack and seemingly forgotten about the fact a QB can actually hand the ball to someone for rushing purposes.

At 7-3, with three straight wins, it is apparently working.

5) Cincinnati Bengals—Ham

Self-explanatory

4) San Diego Chargers—Cornbread Stuffing

Sometimes when I get nervous, I stick my hands under my armpits...

Forget your East Coast bias and lemme hit you with some knowledge.

No team is playing better football right now, with less talent, than the San Diego Chargers. No team is more underrated. No team is more dangerous. The Chargers, like most years, stumbled out of the gates and were quickly written off.

With an easy schedule ahead, it is nearly a lock the Chargers can make the playoffs.

Cornbread Stuffing is finally getting its due in the culinary world as well. After years of bread cubes dominating the landscape, Cornbread has traveled northward from its southern roots.

3) Minnesota Vikings—Deep Fried Turkey

Take two nearly perfect ideas—turkey on Thanksgiving and deep frying stuff. Put them together. What do you get? Either a great combination or a new lawn.

Thankfully, for Minnesota fans, this combination of great ideas worked out.

Brett Favre came in as the iconic figure who was talented, knew the offense, and wouldn't be asked to do too much. He was added to a Vikings team that had pieces in every key area.

Only deep frying could improve the classic Thanksgiving protein.

Only Brett Favre could bring the Vikings from annual pretender to contender.

2) Indianapolis Colts—Prime Rib

When having people over in the holiday season, the choice between a fifth turkey or ham dinner and a once-in-a-lifetime prime rib dinner shouldn't be much of a choice at all.

No holiday season should be complete without one, perfectly cooked, prime rib dinner.

Always classy, always memorable, always delicious...Prime Rib doesn't need to be at its best to succeed. Put it on the plate, and it will do most of the work for you.

The Indianapolis Colts should be .500 right now. Injuries have decimated a decent cross section of their roster but the QB, coaching staff, the system and core the Colts have in place just get it done and are undefeated.

There are a lot of other foods on this list, but no one would pick turkey (Dallas), ham (Bengals) or even deep fried turkey (Minnesota) over prime rib.

I would only take one food over a prime rib...

1) New Orleans Saints—Turducken

The basic structure of a Turducken is always the same. A chicken, wrapped in a duck, wrapped in a turkey—roasted to perfection.

How you make it can very though. The situation above calls for three kinds of stuffing. I've seen birds stuffed with everything from cranberry stuffing, spinach stuffing, green bean casserole, and even mashed potatoes.

High end versions now exist that include roasted peppers and slow roast for 14 or more hours. (and sell for a pretty penny).

The premise is simple, stuff everything good into one package and consume.

Sean Peyton built the New Orleans Saints the same way. Is there a unit on the Saints that isn't among the best in the league? The weak link is the linebacking corps but Jonathan Vilma more than makes up for the deficiencies of the OLBs around him.

The Saints win big, win close games, win at home, win on the road, on a train and in a plain, with a fox or in a box...the Saints just win.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Michael Schottey is a Detroit Lions Featured Columnist for Bleacher Report and the producer and host of The Average Joe Sports Show on 860AM KNUJ (New Ulm, MN). He is also an NFL Analyst and Senior Writer for DraftTek.com. Follow him at Twitter.com/Schottey