Tennessee, You Had This Coming

Jim FolsomContributorNovember 13, 2009

KNOXVILLE, TN - OCTOBER 31:  Head coach Lane Kiffen of the Tennessee Volunteers watches against the South Carolina Gamecocks at Neyland Stadium on October 31, 2009 in Knoxville, Tennessee.  (Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images)
Streeter Lecka/Getty Images

Three University of Tennessee freshmen football players are riding in a car full of weed at 2 a.m. They are all out of cash so they come up with the brilliant idea to take a pellet gun, pretend it's a real gun and commit armed robbery on a couple of college-aged kids. Brilliant!

This is of course a frustrating story of the complete stupidity of these players who have just flushed their lives down the toilet. Three lives that could've been full of college educations, NFL contracts, money, and a nice, long cushy retirement. Instead, they are now looking at prison, and the following life-as-ex-cons, and if statistics prevail, more prison.

But this is also a story of a spoiled brat kid who "was born on third base and thinks he hit a triple" getting some pay back. Lane Kiffin was no more qualified to be the head coach at the University of Tennessee than I am. But I guess if my daddy was one of the best defensive coordinators in football for the past 25 years, then I could've gotten the job too. Provided of course if daddy quits his NFL gig and comes with me.

Instead of coming into the UT job with a little humility, and a little class, Ole Lanie comes in shooting his mouth off like he'd actually accomplished something in life. I take that back, people who actually HAVE accomplished something in life don't have to go around reminding anyone and everyone about it constantly. But I digress.

Lane comes in to the SEC and immediately makes it his goal in life to piss off every coach in the league before he gets his own parking space. It bothers him not one bit that he is in a league of coaches that have won multiple national titles while competing in the best football league in the world. It matters not one iota that he had a record of 5-15 as a head coach himself. Nope. Not to Lanie Boy. Because he's the smartest, the best looking, the most quotable, the most brilliant man in the world. Just ask him.

He thinks it's a barrel of laughs that players from rival schools in the conference get arrested for things like driving on a suspend license or getting into a fight with a bunch of drunk guys who think they are now bad enough to beat up football players. This will not happen on his watch. Not here. "Because I'm Lane Kiffin, the smartest, toughest, meanest, best looking, most outstanding football coach who ever lived. Just ask me."

"Urban Meyer? Nick Saban? Steve Spurrier? Buffoons. All of them. They don't know what they're doing. Look at how many of them have players getting in trouble. What? I gave a scholarship to a convicted child rapist? Yeah but it was his cousin and she says it's cool. We will have no problems here. I run a tight ship. Tell your kids they can come play for me and be wildly successful, or they can go play for Spurrier and end up pumping gas for a living." 

"Meyer? He's nothing. Watch, I'll go steal his prize recruit. Hey kid, tell everyone you're not coming to UT. In fact, lie to them and tell them you aren't even coming for your visit. That way when Urban calls, we'll turn him in for violating a rule that I just made up. You a good liar right? I mean you're from Pahokee, FL right? You're from a town full of poor minority people so I know you pull a scam right? That's how you people roll in Pahokee right? Good. Let's do this thing."

What, Mike Slive is on line one? Wonder what he wants? Hello Mr. Slive. What? That's not a rule? Well I didn't mean for that to get out ... yes sir ... apologize to Meyer. Right. No problem. Won't happen again."

This guy has stuck his foot in his mouth so often since he's been at UT, that Wal-Mart is thinking about a line of flavored shoes called the "Lame Kitten collection". And now this. This could not have been more enjoyable to watch. Lame Kitten squirming on camera while being asked about his players being arrested. All he kept saying was "I don't have all the facts. I'm waiting til the facts are in" It was like a recording. No matter what the question, "I'm waiting until all the facts are in." His tone of voice was one of humility.

There was no Lane Kiffin brashness he has become infamous for. He said it took "11 months and 11 days for our first incident." What a coincidence! That's the exact amount of time it took for you to learn some humility.

And to the UT fans out there who have drunk this clown's kool aid right from the start, you had this coming. Oh you laughed and laughed at his needling of Meyer. You belly laughed at the "Gators' 24 arrests" while completely ignoring your own team's recent legal troubles. You thought this was so funny. And boy did you love having the anti-Fulmer around as your new coach. Someone with boldness. Someone who's not afraid to walk up to the bully and slap him in the face. You ate it up. Now look where you are. You're 5-4. And you just lost three of the top players from your boy's "great recruiting class" of last year.

Your brash young coach has egg all over his face. There is video all over the Web of three punks getting cuffed and stuffed with their UT football gear on. And not for jaywalking either, but for ARMED ROBBERY! This could not have happened to a more deserving bunch. You had this coming.

Let the meltdown begin.