Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
The 1-7 Chiefs visit Oakland to face the 2-6 Raiders in a battle of AFC West rivals whose off-the-field issues have provided more drama than anything that's occurred on the field. The Chiefs released Larry Johnson, and allegations of a history of violence continue to dog Raider's head coach Tom Cable.
"As you've heard," says Al Davis, "Cable's ex-wife and a former girlfriend have alleged that he abused them. This news, coupled with Randy Hanson's charges that Cable punched him, certainly leaves the Raider organization with a black eye. For the eye-patched Raiders, that's two eyes obstructed, which would have to explain why no one could corroborate Hanson's story, even though several apparently witnessed it. It seems to be a Cable 'cabal,' of which I'm a part of.
"Now, Cable and I have discussed the abuse allegations at great length. By 'great length,' I mean it took us forever to address all of them. But I think we made progress. I'm from the NFL's 'old school.' Never did I realize that talking 'smack' could be so productive."
Johnson was released early this week and has already cleared waivers. In place of Johnson, former University of Texas speedster Jamaal Charles will start.
"Larry Johnson had to go," says Todd Haley. "Since I've been here, I've preached a 'take no prisoners' approach to the game. And since Larry was destined for prison, we couldn't take him any more. And we didn't 'slur' our speech when we told him so. Now, I'm sure Larry will find another home. But for Christ's sake, don't mention anything about him 'playing for the other team.' I don't think he'd take that too well."
"As for the Raiders, distractions have historically proven either to tear a team apart or bring them closer together. I think the latter applies here. If there's one thing Cable is capable of doing, it's making the Raiders a team of 'world-beaters.'"
Oakland wins, 27-16.