Humour vs. Humour: Why Novak Djokovic's Saturday Won't Be "Super"

(For the wrong viewpoint in this Humour vs. Humour collaboration, please read Robert’s article. You may also like to check out Robert’s article if you enjoy fantasy writing.)

Introduction

Unless you have taken a particularly long vacation to Mars of late, you will be sure to have heard of the living legend that is Roger Federer. You may not even follow tennis that closely, but you definitely know who Roger “Greatest of All Time” Federer is.

You know he makes Pete Sampras look average.

You know he can change a diaper whilst hitting a crosscourt forehand winner (and still not break a sweat).

You know his trophy cabinet strains under the weight of its contents.

You know, deep down in your heart, that even if you proclaim to be a fan of the Spanish kid, you really prefer the Swiss maestro.

You know that even though I’ve used “you know” in this article six times already, Federer would still be able to say “you know” more times than me and in a shorter space of time.

In fact, you know that Mr. Federer is the best thing since sliced bread. Actually, you know that he is far better than sliced bread; sliced bread didn’t get its own stamp.

So then you must also know that it is pretty much a waste of time writing a "Creature vs. Creature" article when one of the players is called Roger Federer.

Hold on...so why am I writing this again? Oh yeah, because it feels goooood, and this is not "Creature vs. Creature." This is "Humour vs. Humour" (a much more highbrow type of series).

Perhaps it is worth mentioning something about Federer’s opponent in this introduction. His name is Novak Djokovic.

Will Win If

Oh purleease! As long Mirka has booked the limo and the Fed-Express rolls up to court on time, he is going to win it. In fact, it is not really worth Djokovic even turning up. I recommend that he finds something more pleasurable to do with his time than be beaten by Roger again; a spot of tiddlywinks, perhaps?

Djokovic is neither Spanish nor left-handed, and none of his uncles are called Toni (as far as I know). 'Nuff said.

Will Lose If

Are you kidding me? Weren’t you listening to what I said in my introduction? We are talking about Roger “History Books” Federer.

Some people may foolishly bring up the head-to-head record and mention that Djokovic is the only person, other than “He Who Must Not Be Named,” to have beaten Federer in a Slam in recent years.

I have only one response to that: “Mononucleosis.”

In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if Djokovic had bribed that pesky virus to infect Mr. Invincible (don’t ask me how).

If any of Djokovic’s fans bring up Federer’s losses to Djokovic earlier this year in Miami or Rome, I would hate to break it to them, but Federer had a very good reason for both losses. Being the gentleman he is, he did not wish to make excuses, but I am sure he would not mind if I broke the news for him.

1. In Miami he simply couldn’t be bothered as he wanted to get down to South Beach for some sun, sea, and sand. He was so cross that he had managed to win a set and prolong the match that he smashed up his racket—he had already booked his beach chair and umbrella and knew he wouldn’t be able to get a refund.

2. In Rome, he ate far too much spaghetti and pizza in the rain break. Mamma mia!

So unless Federer is dying to visit the Empire State Building (which is unlikely, seeing as he has been there at least five times already) or has overdosed on New York’s finest cheesecake, there isn’t going to be an ounce of hope for the Serb.

There is really only one way that Djokovic could win this. It’s a far stretch, but if he decides to do his best Federer impression on the court whilst actually playing Federer then he might have a shot.

Intangibles

1. Federer’s box is often harbouring a well-known celebrity face. Anna Wintour and Gavin Rossdale are regularly seen cheering him on. Now that Djokovic has Todd Martin in his camp there could be some serious competition on the “who’s got more famous faces in their box” front.

Should things get out of hand, I would pick Wintour over Martin every time—she has a steely gaze (which is probably why she wears those huge shades). I definitely wouldn’t want to mess with her. Plus, she is likely to knock your confidence unless you are looking uber chic, which, I’m afraid to say, Mr. Martin is not.

2. Federer has an immaculate sense of style. If Nole couldn’t beat him when he was Darth Federer, how is he going to beat him when he is Sith Lord Federer? If you look good, you feel good...and Federer feels reeeeaaaal good.

Nole could up his chances if he decides to go for something trendy in the fashion department. Preferably not this dressing gown, though it could help him if some strong winds are forecast for Super Saturday. A pair of nipple tassels could also increase his confidence.

Lines To Look Out For

Todd Martin (whispers to Marian Vajda who nods in response): “Do I get a bonus if he makes the final?”

Todd Martin (screams at Nole): “Do your Rafa impression! That might work!”

Roger Federer (when he wins): “Who’s the Daddy?”

Robin Soderling (shouts to Nole): “Come on! No-one beats me 12 times in a row and gets away with it! Would you like to borrow my magic towel?”

Prediction

Federer wins (duh!): 6-0, 6-0, 6-1.

(He has a kind heart and doesn’t want Novak to feel really bad.)

N.B.: This is intended as a humour piece. I think Novak Djokovic is a fantastic tennis player and this article was not an attempt to slight him in any way. (But Roger is still the best ;-)