This is the first half of a two-part segment of Humour vs. Humour. The second part will be written by Frankie, analysing why Federer will defeat Djokovic in the US Open semifinals. Here is my portion...
Oh no! The swarming legion of Federer fans are ready to pounce on me. As I shield my arms to hopelessly defend myself from the onslaught, I pull out my only weapon available to me.
I don my flowing robe of word-spilling fiction and hand over the dubious task to Novak Djokovic himself to explain why he will beat Federer in Friday's semifinal.
The following is a paid service announcement:
Novak Djokovic: Good evening, ladies and gentleman of Bleachland. I, Novak Djokovic believe that I can do it. I can beat Roger Federer.
Let me clarify. I can beat Roger Federer at:
- Table tennis
- Serbian Dance Marathon
- Women's Beach Volleyball
- Wrestling (Japanese sumo or tag-team with the Djokovic family)
- Cock-fighting (settle down, ladies; it is a fight among the pecking animals)
- and many other sports that I am versatile in.
Of course, these sports will not help me when I face Roger in Friday's semifinal match. I do have a few tactics that can put Roger off of his game, though.
I can get into Roger's head by doing my Nadal impersonations! Maybe not; he is so damn serious during the match.
Since Roger's tennis style this year is known as "Sith Federer," I will show up as "Obi Wan Djokovic." My racket will hum when I hit a winner and the force will be with me. Hopefully, his forehand will not send me scurrying like an Ewok.
When Roger hits a winner, he yells "COME ON!" When I hit a winner, I will yell "ROGER THAT!"
I will also go over my pre-match checklist:
- Spiked haircut—check!
- Completely different spare shirt in case I am losing—check!
- Winnie the Pooh boxers—check!
- Chest pad for heavy thumping—check!
- Water spiked with Serbian wild whiskey—check!
- Sense of humour in case of defeat—check!
- Small mirror on towel to check face—check!
- Tiny mirror on my shoulder to check out the women behind me—check!
- Fake blood in pocket for an injury timeout—check!
- Fast-food Serbian pizza guy on call in case of washroom break—check!
I, Novak Djokovic am ready to face Ferrer...umm...I mean Ferrero....umm...damn! OK, it's Federer, and fight for the right to get to the finals if not to finish the semifinals without retiring.
Maybe I will win and maybe I won't. Roger is 28 and I am only 22. This is the real advantage because when I am 54, Roger will be 60, and I will definitely kick his a** for all the times he has beat me.
I can't wait for those years, but, in the meantime, I am going to face him and hope for the best!
I am Djoker and I approve of this message!