More Rich Athletes of Instagram
For most social media-savvy people, Instagram is a virtual wasteland of drunken, sweaty group selfies, duck-face holdovers, random acts of nutty and the merely mundane.
That doesn't take away from the fact that Instagram is convenient and amusing. But when the average dude is documenting his boardwalk exploits...the images begin to run together.
If you step out of "Average-Dude" Instagram and into "Rich-Athlete" Instagram, suddenly, the dank apartment littered with used plastic red cups is replaced by glittering infinity pools and sprawling estates. The recreational kickball game transforms into a luxury box at the Super Bowl.
None of this is surprising of course, but it's kind of an awesome window into a lifestyle that didn't exist just a few years ago. It's like anyone with Internet access has their own personal copy of the LeBron James Family Photo Album.
So let's take a look at what we're dealing with here.
Darnell Dockett, Arizona Cardinals
Outside of Lake Havasu, Cardinals defensive end Darnell Dockett probably doesn’t get much use out of his many jet skis during the NFL season in Arizona.
Dockett’s offseasons in Miami, however, are an entirely different story. He’s probably cruising the crystal blue waters, picking up chicks as you read this.
Matt Barnes, Los Angeles Clippers
A few months ago, the Clippers' Matt Barnes posted this photo of his new Cadillac. He was one of the first people to get his hands on the new 2014 Cadillac ELR.
A fact that he rubbed in with the accompanying caption: “Bet y’all ain’t got one of these yet.”
Yeah…I bet he’s right.
Scottie Upshall, Florida Panthers
The Panthers' Scottie Upshall definitely wouldn’t be classified as a homebody or a couch potato. Honestly, based on what he posts to Instagram, I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t even own a couch.
Who needs a couch when you’ve got a helicopter…and a yacht.
Josh Cribbs, Cleveland Browns
Browns wide receiver Josh Cribbs has a sparkly or studded pair of sneakers for every possible occasion that would necessitate sparkly or studded pairs of sneakers.
It’s hard to tell if he actually wears those, or if they’re just his showpiece collection. If Cribbs does wear those, the man knows how to take care of his footwear.
LeBron James, Miami Heat
The secret to Heat superstar LeBron James’ game must be being well rested. His back yard is more glorious than the nicest vacation most of us will ever take in our entire lives.
It’s good to be the King.
Antrel Rolle, New York Giants
The Giants' Antrel Rolle posted this photo with the caption: “Why not spoil myself??? I work damn hard for it…“ So he decided to spoil himself with a gold crucified Jesus covered in diamonds.
Ironic, considering Jesus said, “You lack one thing: Go, sell all that you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.” Suppose that’s open to interpretation though.
DeJuan Blair, Dallas Mavericks
One thing that many athletes actually have in common with a lot of their fans is a love of video games. The love is the same. How they play them and where they get them is a different story.
The Mavericks' DeJuan Blair probably had his PlayStation 4 hand delivered by the CEO of Sony. And he doesn’t have to wait till he gets home to play either—that’s what athletes keep in their briefcases.
Von Miller, Denver Broncos
The Broncos' Von Miller had a lot of time to pursue outside interests in 2013 because, between suspension and injury, he played in just nine of 16 games.
Miller doesn’t post much during the season, but his offseason pursuits are clearly quite expensive. In Las Vegas he plays around with more money than most people make in a year.
Deron Williams, Brooklyn Nets
Nets point guard Deron Williams has a lot of overpriced toys in his life. All the normal athlete stuff like sweet cars, expensive hobbies, top-of-the-line electronics and billions of shoes.
One of the best toys has to be his wicked Vitamix blender. Maybe it’s just because I really want one, but can’t justify spending $500 on a blender—I’m crazy jealous.
Tony Hawk, Skateboarder
As someone who follows an awful lot of professional athletes on Instagram, I can confidently attest to the fact that no kids in sports have it better than those of skateboarder Tony Hawk.
Go-karts for Christmas and massive inflatable slides for birthdays are just some of what you get when your dad is one of the coolest overgrown kids in the world.
Kevin Durant, Oklahoma City Thunder
Thunder big man Kevin Durant generally likes to keep his look casual—but casual in a way that lets people know he could look fancy, if he wanted to look fancy.
Which is why KD usually has about nine pounds worth of gold and/or diamonds hanging around his neck.
Henrik Lundqvist, New York Rangers
Rangers goalie Henrik Lundqvist and his stunning wife seem to live like royalty during the NHL offseason—spending their days sailing on yachts and their evenings at parties so swanky they wouldn’t even have most of us as waiters.
Of course, it’s much easier to live like royalty if you look the part, which both he and the Mrs. do. In fact, they look more regal as a pair than the entire House of Windsor combined.
Chris Paul, Los Angeles Clippers
I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned this on more than a few occasions before, but there’s something intrinsically unfair about the richest people getting the most free crap.
That being said, at least Clippers point guard Chris Paul is one of the nicest guys out there. So nice that Nike routinely delivers truckloads of shoes to his home.
C.J. Wilson, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
Please note that I am in no way referring to the lovely new bride of Angels pitcher C.J. Wilson as an object that's purchased or in any way acquired by monetary means.
Just wanted to make the point that Wilson’s riches extend well beyond his many—and I do mean many—high-priced toys and bloated bank balances.
Taj Gibson, Chicago Bulls
The cost-prohibitive nature of a globetrotting lifestyle isn’t something a lot of athletes have to worry about. Their Instagram pages during the offseason often look like a postcard stand at a souvenir shop.
The Bulls are currently facing their share of problems, including what seems to be the massive undertaking of a rebuilding project. But it doesn’t look like Taj Gibson has a care in the world.
Dwyane Wade, Miami Heat
I think it’s fair to say that Heat star Dwyane Wade’s most recent birthday bash was probably better than all your birthday bashes to date—not to mention all those to come—combined.
Not only did he get his own personalized yacht for the night, he also got to spend it with his very lovely fiancee, actress Gabrielle Union.
The Rock, Wrestler/Actor (or Actor/Wrestler)
Athletes and other celebrities have a completely different experience than us normals—who have to admire the wildlife from a distance—when they go to a zoo or animal park like Sea World.
They roll out the red carpet for the likes of The Rock, who could probably have a candlelit dinner alone with Shamu if he asked nice enough.
Carmelo Anthony, New York Knicks
This is what Knicks superstar Carmelo Anthony calls a “travel pack” of cigars. Case after case of Cuban cigars, which are highly coveted, but of questionable legality.
Of course, if that’s the worst law he’s going to break, I think we can let him slide on this one.
Floyd Mayweather Jr., Boxer
There may be no ridiculously overpriced luxury item with minimal usages on Earth that boxer Floyd Mayweather Jr. wouldn’t be willing to blow obscene amounts of money on. His entire Instagram page is a monument to money wasting.
Nothing is more indicative of Floyd Money’s spending philosophy than the fact that he owns his very own Bentley limousine. Why rent one on the rare occasion you need it, when you can drop a million dollars on one instead.
That’s just good sense…if you want to go bankrupt 10 years after retiring.
Dwight Howard, Houston Rockets
Hey—anyone need to know what time it is? Well just ask Rockets big man Dwight Howard; he’s definitely got what you’re looking for.
Assuming what you’re looking for is an overpriced diamond mine with a clock inside of it. And if you get close enough, you can hear it whisper, “please rob me.”