Yo, pal! Over here.
You trying to get into the game? Step into my office. I know it's a dark alley. Lets just focus on the problem at hand, shall we?
You've been wandering the parking lot like a sad Beagle, trying in vain to scalp cheap tickets—but it's time to face facts. The game is sold out, and unless you've got $400 bucks or a pair of ruby red slippers, you're not getting in. That is, you're not getting in legally.
You've got one option left, bucko, and that's to poltergeist your way past security like some kind of sports-crazed Patrick Swayze.
I’m not going to honey coat it for you—sneaking into a stadium is difficult.
We’re not crashing a Chuck E. Cheese bar mitzvah here, chatch. We’re doing a B-and-E without the B, and our target is a stone fortress swarming with cameras and husky men who live for nothing but the twisted thrill of tackling trespassers. There's a good chance some of us might not make it.
But if you're stout of heart and shameless as a second-term president, follow me. This is how you sneak into a stadium.*
*Obvious but necessary disclaimer: Don't sneak into a stadium. You will get arrested.
Sneaking in with the band is a delicate process.
If you’re able to get your hands on an actual full band outfit—good on you. That’s impressive. But having the full pomp and hat feathers isn't necessary in this Trojan horse scenario.
The key is to infiltrate the band as they walk through tailgate. Casually step into the rank and file and cocoon yourself in a clot of tuba players. Get in there nice and cozy-like. Tell the clarinets you loved all their "early stuff," and will never forget seeing them and the oboes live at Budokan.
Of all the factors involved in sneaking in with the band, your success hinges on the band being cool and not narc-ing on you.
So the previous chit-chat instructions might've been counterproductive.
Level of Daring: Flare gun roulette.
Find a Papa John's uniform. I don't care how you get it. Matter of fact, don't even tell me.
After you've found the uniform, put it on and show up to the stadium gate with several large sausage pizzas.
Tell the gate guard that [someone important] in the [SkyBox/executive suite] ordered pizza, and you're there to deliver. If they let you pass, you win. Head to a restroom, change into your hidden extra shirt and enjoy the game.
Also, while not required, extra points will be awarded to those who sell their pizza to other fans.
Level of Daring: Shark wrestling.
Sneaking in the employee entrance is a lot like drinking—you can do it alone, but it looks better when you’re dressed up and with other people.
Grab a buddy, and walk up to the employee entrance/loading area dressed in one of the myriad other costume/disguise ideas suggested in this guide.
During my time at Indiana University, a friend and I dressed up in suits and walked down the loading tunnel behind Assembly Hall. We ended up wandering around the basketball team’s locker room, and could’ve walked out with Victor Oladipo’s jersey and shoes—they were laying right out in the open.
We decided against that action, as we loved Victor and disliked the prospect of calling a 1,000 year curse down on our families.
Level of Daring: Naked motorcycle racing. Think about it.
Warning: Video contains NSFW language.
If you’re not willing to hang 20 feet above the street by your bare hands to avoid paying the gate, then the “Cliffhanger” is not for you.
Pioneered by crazy people, the Cliffhanger technique was born in Baltimore in 2013 after the Ravens won the Super Bowl. Fans enjoying the Super Bowl parade flooded into M&T Bank Stadium, filling the venue to capacity. The crowding came to the point that police were laying down barriers to stop people from getting inside the building.
This was but a minor inconvenience to the citizens of Baltimore, who began clambering up the side of M&T Bank like an unstoppable, World War Z mass of humanity.
Level of Daring: Ordering a pasta bread bowl. It's riskier than it sounds, guys.
Simple and damn near impossible to swing, hopping the turnstile in plain sight is a desperate, last-ditch effort.
Most stadium security at professional and collegiate stadiums pay enough attention to notice fans literally leaping through the gates.
That being said, if you can manufacture a distraction of Sax Man-like proportions, you might be able to hop over the bars unnoticed. It’s not a high percentage bet, but desperate times call for shady measures.
Level of Daring: Avalanche racing.
Grab a headband, a wig and a tennis shirt. Apply these to your head and/or body.
Now look in the mirror. Do you look like this? Maybe if you squint?
It might not be enough to fool mom, but a decent athlete disguise allowed a prankster named "Donnie" to fool an entire legion of tennis fans in China this December.
Donnie dressed up as Roger Federer, slipping on a headband, tennis shirt and a pair of shades before heading out to a busy shopping district with his two "bodyguards."
In no time, "Roger" was swamped with admirers and dropping "Rog bombs" on half of Shanghai. He signed everything from bare forearms to expensive purses for mistaken fans. Does this make him a jerk? Probably. Is it funny? Definitely.
Level of Daring: The Ghost Pepper Challenge.
Disclaimer: Bribing is a great way to get arrested and/or have your money taken by a stranger who then laughs in your face and tells you to pound sand.
Then again, if you’re desperate enough to consider bribing a guard in the first place, incarceration and lost cash have become acceptable risks in your mind.
What I’m trying to say is that this isn’t a good idea.
Level of Daring: Flashbang dodgeball.
This isn’t “sneaking in,” but still involves a smack of deception.
If you’ve recently graduated from college and are back on campus for Homecoming, chances are you don’t want to be spending all that money you don't have on tickets in the alumni mausoleum.
You want to be back with your people, and you want to do it on the cheap. This means finding some nerd who can’t make the game and asking if you can use their ticket. If your student ID has expired (they require this for student tickets), try to wheedle it outs of them with promises of pizza and responsible conduct.
Tell them you won’t drunkenly lose their ID (you will), and ouila! You’re in like Flynn and cooking with lies!
Level of Daring: Going in the "Exit" door at the grocery. WATCH OUT.
Three words: Under Armour polo.
Everyone from the athletic trainers on down wears these breathable, all weather shirts on the sidelines.
Don’t be afraid to study game tape, though. Analyze the attire of sideline personnel and make note of little details. What are the water boys wearing? The assistant coaches? Do they have hats? Visors? Rags?
Get honest with yourself. Are you young enough to fake being a ball boy? If not, you can always wear a suit and attempt to pull off the unpaid volunteer or almost unpaid journalist look.
Don’t be afraid to throw on khakis and sling a towel over your shoulder. Remember: It’s all about confidence. Walk up to a side door and you act like you don't want to be there. With the right attitude you’re twice as likely to pass the eye test.
Level of Daring: Ninja star frisbee.
I still don't understand how they did it, but two Savanna State students managed to walk past an army of police officers, security guards and crowd management officials and waltz into the 2013 Super Bowl without issue.
They may have knocked out the power to the dome to pull it off, but that can be neither confirmed nor denied at this point.
Level of Daring: Light saber jousting on armored rhinos.
Got an awesome sneak-in story? Post it in the comment section or hit me up on Twitter. The world needs to hear it.