In an attempt to beautify a team that comes off the biggest win in franchise history but is lacking in pretty faces at the reserve positions, the New York Giants announced the signing of Texans bust and male model David Carr to fight for the backup position with Jared Lorenzen, who was busy being escorted out of Chinatown for his liberal interpretation of an all-you-can-eat buffet's consumption policy.
While Carr's football stats have been mediocre at best, his piercing eyes could sell toilet water to a 45-year-old divorcee awash in gold chains and a leisure suit. Don't forget his gelled hair which withstood many humid Carolina Sundays last season tucked underneath a stylish ballcap as he rigorously pored over a clipboard which detailed offensive plays and potential modeling gigs.
Carr's biggest concern figures to be the glare of the Metropolis media. Having previously toiled in the lesser lights of Fresno, Houston and Raleigh, Carr may not be used to having his weekly pedicure and facial visits analyzed in depth by Liz Smith and Mike Lupica. One wonders if his flawless visage will show stress wrinkles as paparazzi snap photos of his trips to Aveda for moisturizer or Toot Suite's for the arugula (it's to die for, say those in the know.)
For those of us who consider showering a necessity and not a pampering experience or are still wondering what arugula is, the biggest concern is Carr's ability to perform if Eli Manning were unavailable. After half the Giants base has to be talked off the top of the Verrazano-Narrows, it will be up to a man with 62 TDs and 70 INTs to continue the proud tradition of Conerly, Tittle, Simms, Manning, etc.
Those men left it all on the field. They probably showered with Boraxo which left their skin gritty and their scent manly. Carr probably smells like a combination of Stetson and rosemary.
But hey, if he can't right the sinking ship that has been his career so far, he can always smile on a billboard in Times Square.
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