North Carolina Basketball: The 7 Worst Things About Being a Duke Fan

Rollin YeattsFeatured ColumnistMay 25, 2012

North Carolina Basketball: The 7 Worst Things About Being a Duke Fan

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    Despite what they may tell you, few things could be worse than being a fan of the Duke Blue Devils—and you don't even have to be a fan of the North Carolina Tar Heels to feel that way.

    I just happen to be one.

    Before we get into the Duke bashing that is about to take place, I'd like to say that I have complete respect for the program and their fans. I had many Dukie friends growing up (sorry, the “Dook” thing is played out to me), and I continue to make more to this day.

    As a matter of fact, my sister turned into a Duke fan during high school—and she was the one that got me into the Tar Heels. If it were the 1600s, I'd tell the villagers she was a witch.

    But hey, it is what it is, and people are allowed to make their own decisions—albeit a bad one.

    I wouldn't be surprised if more Duke fans read this than UNC, so I felt I should clear that up. I'm not picking a fight. We are just having fun here.

    And Bleacher Report isn't picking on you either. There will be a counter article to this coming soon. All I ask is that both sides stay chill and just have fun with this. I know it will be hard, but I'm hoping we can keep it civilized.

    As I always say, “Live, love and make fun of each other every chance you get.”

     

    Disclaimer: The following is a completely biased and unadulterated generalization of the Duke basketball program and their fans. This is not real analysis of the quality or success of Duke's program. It is a rivalry article, that is meant to be extreme.

Cameron Crazies

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    I don't know who is more overrated—Duke basketball or the Cameron Crazies. They hardly even show up anymore.

    According to Chris Cusak of Duke's own The Chronicle, student attendance at Cameron Indoor has plummeted over the last five years. What used to be 1,200 Crazies has dwindled to a mere 650.

    And what used to be a ruckus—and somewhat clever—group of students has turned into this.

    All I can say is, “Wow.” Did they just swoop in from the Star Trek convention? Or is Section 17 just filled with those that took a break from World of Warcraft?

    My favorite line comes from Sven the Yodeler, when he said, “Everyone copies us—everyone wants to be us.” Let me not be the first or last to tell you, “No, we do not.”

    By the way, what is with the hand thing they do? That isn't intimidating. It's just goofy—and it obviously isn't working anymore. All four of Duke's ACC losses in 2011-12 were handed out at Cameron.

    It's so bad, Coach K has been reduced to a cheerleader. Then again, it's his own fault. The best thing the Crazies had going for them was Speedo Guy, and Coach K axed that.

    Despite its repulsiveness, it was pretty funny and quite effective—not to mention original.

    Last, I'd like to settle the whole “we set up tents and camp out for the game” thing. I understand they are proud, but so is the geek squad that camps out the Star Wars premiere. At this time, I'd like to issue a request for Conan O'Brien to send Triumph to a Duke game.

    Tell me that wouldn't be golden.

NBA Mediocrity

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    When you talk about the NBA with Duke fans, the first thing they want to brag about is that they have more players in the NBA than anyone else. Yes, that is impressive.

    What isn't impressive, is the fact that of all the Duke players that reached the NBA, only two have won championships—Danny Ferry in 2003 and Jeff Mullins in 1975. In comparison, 14 former Tar Heels went on to win 29 NBA titles.

    Scoreboard!

    Now I'll admit, I love me some Grant Hill, Jay Williams and Luol Deng. Other than those three, I can't think of a Dukie I didn't loathe. Though Christian Laettner was up there, I haven't despised anyone more than the ever-cocky J.J. Redick.

    Remember how everyone used to talk like he'd come in and dominate the NBA? How did that turn out, J.J.?

    Then there is Carlos Boozer. Poll Chicago Bulls fans and see how many want him out—myself, included.

    Really, the best player to come out of Duke since Grant Hill has to be the 2012 NBA Rookie of the Year, Kyrie Irving. But considering he only played 11 games for the Blue Devils, any bragging rights over him should be disallowed.

Arrogance

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    Is it that arrogance is a requirement to be associated with Duke? The players and fans act like they haven't missed out on a title game since the John Wooden era. You would never know that Duke has won fewer NCAA titles and ACC titles than Carolina, or that Carolina leads the series by a wide margin.

    I sometimes wonder if they eat candy bars with a fork and knife.

    The Duke Blue Devils are to college basketball what the Dallas Cowboys are to pro football. Except the Cowboys can at least brag about their cheerleaders.

    But, hey, it's college—and no college is short on beer bongs.

The Stomp

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    If anything, “The Stomp” is another reason to hate on Christian Laettner, who will forever be tied to Duke, thanks to “The Shot.” And nobody will ever forget either one.

    However, Ndamukong Suh and Kevin Love kind of diluted its significance. Now it seems about as intimidating as what I call “The Run.”

    "The Stomp” is always something for a Carolina fan to fall back on, though. I keep it in my pocket for a rainy day.

    Thanks, Laettner

There's No Crying in Basketball!

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    Yeah, I know the games are intense, and a big loss can sometimes water up the ol' eyes.

    That doesn't mean Carolina fans didn't enjoy watching J.J. Redick shed his tears on March 4, 2006, when the Heels took Duke out on Senior Night. In the words of Stewie Griffin, “Oh there there, let me dry those tears. [licks his fingers with J.J.'s tears on them] Oh, oh yes yes, your anguish sustains me.”

    I'll give it to J.J., though. At least he didn't completely lose it, like Josh McRoberts.

    It kind of makes you wonder if this little girl is related.

What Is a Blue Devil?

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    No, really. What is it?

    Oh, I see. It was a World War I nickname for a French Alpine light infantry battalion, called the Chasseurs Alpins.

    Yes, I said French.

No Team Is Hated More

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    According to Reed Tucker, co-author of Duke Sucks: A Completely Even-Handed, Unbiased Investigation Into the Most Evil Team on Planet Earth, MSNBC did a poll in 2005 on the most loathed team in basketball. Fifty-three percent of the voters picked Duke.

    I know the Cowboys, Yankees and Blue Devils like to act like being hated is cool. Let's be honest—it isn't.

    None of the following songs were made by Carolina fans, either. The last one isn't even in the conference.

    Parental digression is advised for the following videos:

    This Is Why Duke Sucks, Part 1 (Maryland fan)

    This Is Why Duke Sucks, Part 2 (Maryland fan)

    I Hate Duke Song (West Virginia Fan)

    Yep. That about covers it.

Duke Jokes

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    Before we retire this Duke bashing session, I'd like to leave you with a few jokes I have run across.

    I also invite you to leave some of your favorite Duke jokes. I just request you please keep them clean.

    For the Duke fans that want to join in on some lighthearted fun, feel free to leave your jokes, too. Let's just have fun with it, folks. Rivals don't have to fight.

    But Duke still sucks. The end.



    Roy Williams and Coach K were in their cars going in opposite directions, when they met at a narrow bridge and hit each other head on.

    Coach K got out of his car, checked himself and said, “It's a miracle! I'm not hurt at all!” Roy gets out, checks himself and says, “It's a miracle! Not even a scratch! I think we should celebrate.”

    He went to the truck and pulled out a bottle of aged whiskey. Coach K grabs it, turns it up and drinks half the bottle. He hands it to Roy, who puts the top back on it and throws it over the side of the bridge.

    Coach K asked him, “Why didn't you drink any?” Roy looked at him and said, “I think I'll just wait for the cops.”

     

    One day, in an elementary school in Durham, a teacher asks her class if the Duke Blue Devils are their favorite basketball team. The whole class says yes, except for Little Jimmy.

    The teacher asks, "What's your favorite team Jimmy?"

    Little Jimmy says, "The North Carolina Tar Heels "

    The teacher asks, "Well, why is that?"

    Little Jimmy says, "Well, my dad is a Tar Heel fan, my mom is a Tar Heel fan, I guess that makes me a Tar Heel fan."

    The teacher angered by his reply says, "If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?"

    Little Jimmy says, "Well, I guess that would make me a Duke fan."

     

    A Duke family of basketball supporters headed out one Saturday to shop for the youngest boy’s birthday. While in the sports shop, the son picks up a Carolina jersey and says to his older sister, “I’ve decided to become a Tar Heel fan and I would like this Carolina jersey for my birthday.”

    His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him in the head and says, “Go talk to mother.”

    Off goes the little lad with the jersey in hand and finds his mother. “Mom?” “Yes son?” “I’ve decided I’m going to be a Tar Heel fan and I would like this jersey for my birthday.” The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, “Go talk to your father!”

    Off he goes with the Carolina jersey in hand and finds his father. “Dad?” “Yes son?” “I’ve decided I’m going to be a Tarheel fan and I would like this jersey for my birthday.” The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says, “No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!”

    About half an hour later they’re all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says, “Son, I hope you’ve learned something today.” The son says, “Yes, Dad, I have.” “Good, son, what is it?”

    The son replies, “I’ve only been a Carolina fan for an hour, and I already hate you Duke bastards.”