The Los Angeles Galaxy have discovered a new, revolutionary way of playing the beautiful game of soccer.
How do they do this? By sticking both middle fingers in the face of everything that makes it beautiful and sacred, and in effect, turn the game into a comedy show of horrors. That, ladies and gentlemen, is gong show soccer, and no one does it better than Bruce Arena's Los Angeles Galaxy.
Mutilate the stat sheets, we don't care. What matters is that LA uses it as a create way to drop games. A solid example of gong show soccer: the 1-0 shutout loss to the New York Red Bulls at the Home Depot Center in Carson, Calif. on Cinco de Mayo.
Let's go in depth at this tasty little disasterpiece that unfolded in Bleacher Report's player ratings. Don't hold your breath!
Bill Gaudette 5
Quiet night. Save for failing to stop the most diminutive of scorers in Joel Lindpere, Gaudette had a quiet night in making stops, and was restricted to collections.
Actually, he was better off being quiet, because according to the unwritten rules of gong show soccer, a quiet night is better than a terrible night ratings-wise. So there!
Todd Dunivant 5
Good ball distribution, did mark the midfielders well, otherwise nothing too remarkable.
Tommy Meyer 5.5
Meyer gets bonus points for trying to make a run and create a chance. The defensive back line, in spite of the defeat, actually played decent, if close to.
A.J. DeLaGarza 6
Once again, whenever there is a defeat, it's players like A.J. DeLaGarza that will get the man of the match. Had speed to stop most of the runs, and marked his men as a good defender should. Also generated some good sequences, but the midfield couldn't pass the message on.
Sean Franklin 4.5
Landon Donovan 3.5
If the captain has a poor game, the team is most likely to lose. Very lousy night for Landon; he was responsible for giving up the Joel Lindpere goal in the 19th minute and an average AYSO player could have done better with the finishing. Gong show-worthy.
Which brings up a question: is Landon Donovan going back to Everton, this time on a contract?
This is the first time ever I am giving David Beckham the lowest rating possible. You have Stuart Pearce watching all this, and you underwhelm so much that there has to be a gong strategically placed on the touch line, with a chimp ready to strike it. No Olympics for you, Beckham. You're stuck here.
Another prisoner of bad passing, and not only did he fail to make good passes, his touch was diabolical. Cue a few gong strikes.
Mike Magee 1.5
Bad passing, worse finishing. The Magee Magic has clearly left Mike Magee, and he knows it.
Robbie Keane 2
Too much complaining, not enough football. Smarten up, laddie, you're paid the big bucks to execute, not flail like an argumentative chicken in a gong show.
Edson Buddle 1.5
The finish was bad, the passing bad, every facet of Edson Buddle's game was bad. Perhaps the "Budson" moniker should be changed to "Badson"?
Chad Barrett 2
Chad Barrett is only getting a two because he finished like Chad Barrett. The problem here is that he finishes like Chad Barrett. The goal is on the ground, not in the air. Coordinate mix-ups are criminal in this game.
Unless, of course, you are playing by the unwritten rules of gong show soccer. Then it's understandable.
Pat Noonan 4
Quiet night from Noonan, didn't do much to affect the outcome.
Michael Stephens NR
Came into the game late, no rating given.