Why It (Sometimes) Sucks to Be a Dallas Mavericks Fan

Please don't confuse my headline as a result of bitterness at the two blowout losses last week. Though that does sting, thanks for bringing it up.

No, the headline and the following article result from my recent realization that being a Mavericks fan makes it hard to appreciate much of what has made the NBA fun for the last few years.

And I'm not just talking about the 2006 Finals. No, it's a deeper, more fundamental thing, and not just Tim Duncan.

What follows below is a list of people and teams that, as a Mavericks fan, I cannot root for. And you will soon see that it's no picnic being a fan of the blue and white. And sometimes green.

The San Antonio Spurs

A given. And if you're any kind of Mavs fan, you're asking, "What's so bad about hating the Spurs? I've done it my whole life." And as a Mavs fan, I have to answer:

Nothing. They should be reviled.

But in hating the Spurs, Mavs fans have missed out on appreciating the best power forward to ever play the game. I love Tim Duncan's game, and I hate myself for saying it.

Every time he hits his patented bank shot at an impossible angle, I find myself marveling at it for a second, then a dagger to the heart quickly follows suit.

Ginobili is another player like this. He's got a great jumper, and unbelievable sense of clutch, and he looks like he couldn't outrun a turtle, but he gets around good defenders that are bigger than him, and lays the ball in with what seems minimal effort.

Don't even get me started on Tony Parker, or the endless pile of stiffs that they turn into passable swingmen. God, I hate the Spurs.

Ah, that feels better.

The Phoenix Suns

You might be thinking to yourself, "The Suns? Why would you root against them? Steve Nash was a big part of getting your team to respectability, and you share the same hatred of the Spurs."

This is true. But hear me out.

I like Steve Nash. I like the Phoenix Suns. I loved watching them in the seven seconds or less era, and I've been pleasantly surprised to watch them with Shaq.

But one thing I don't want is for the Suns to win anything before the Mavericks.

Sure, the Mavs had their chance, and they (read: Joey Crawford) blew it. But that doesn't mean I want to see Nash get a ring before Dirk.

The worst manifestation of this? Last year, when the Mavericks were busy getting trounced by the Hornets, I was following the Suns-Spurs series, which usually took place after the Mavs games.

And after watching CP3 tear Kidd apart, and David West make a punk out of Dirk (but not get suspended, oh no, that just can't happen), I found myself doing the unforgivable: rooting for the Spurs. In the playoffs no less.

Why? Well, as I told myself after waking up in sweat-soaked sheets, because I didn't, I couldn't, stand to see Nash hoist the trophy before Dirk did.

The Golden State Warriors

Thinking about Stephen Jackson's gap-toothed grin, Baron Davis' scraggly beard, and Don Nelson's visual answer to the "What would Chris Farley look like if he was alive today?" question gets my blood boiling.

But guess what? As long as you weren't a Mavs fan, the Golden State Warriors accomplished something special with the 2006-07 Playoffs.

They beat the Mavericks by winning a game on the road, then letting their home crowd make it impossible for the Mavs to get homecourt back.

They beat the Mavs with amazing three-point shooting, high-energy dunks, and sheer moxie. Normally, that's everything that you want from an underdog, and more.

And my favorite team was on the losing end of it.

Not only that, but the coach that left the Mavs was the one to lead the charge. Nellie was the one who devised the defensive plan (sounds like an oxymoron, I know) to lock down the Dirkster.

I remember watching the Jazz-Warriors series that succeeded the Mavs-Warriors series, and every one of my friends were all over the Warriors. After all, who doesn't love the underdog.

Alright, now I'm getting depressed. But it's not over.

The Miami Heat and specifically Dwyane Wade

I hate Dwyane Wade. I hate him with every fiber of my being. Prior to June 2006, he was one of my favorite young players in the league. No more.

It wasn't that he went to the free-throw line if someone breathed on him wrong (okay that's part of it). It's the fact that he had the nerve to call out the Mavericks and the Dirkster specifically, for choking in the Finals.

Guess what Dwayne? Joey Crawford and co. helped you get your ring much more than any of your teammates did. Just because the league decided to make you it's newest superstar and leave ol' Tony Cubes holding the bag, doesn't mean you need to be a jackass about it.

I get so mad watching Heat games, because Wade still gets the same treatment. He goes to the line almost at whim, which is usually a skill, but in his case, it's just the star treatment.

People complain that Bron Bron whines too much, well Wade never whines, because nothing ever goes against him.

I was giddy with glee reading all of the things about D-Wade that came out in his divorce proceedings. Serves him right. He's got this image of a religious, down-to-earth guy, but his own kids don't know him, and he gave his wife an STD, which he contracted through adultery.

Sorry, but with D-Wade, this time it's personal.

The New Orleans Hornets

Chris Paul. More than Kobe, almost more than LeBron, he does things on the court that defy rationalization, if not the laws of physics themselves. His passing. His stealing. His shooting. His movement in transition. All of it, as close to perfection as you can find.

And as a Mavericks fan, you can't root for him. Sure, he's not as bad as the Spurs or the Warriors, but he still tears us apart every time the Mavs play him. He makes Kidd look like a high-schooler. His alley-oops to Chandler make Dampier look like a boulder (which isn't far off).

David West pulled one of the most obnoxious stunts I've ever seen in last year's playoff, and not only did Dirk do a great thing by not escalating it, Dirk's toughness was called into question while David West felt no consequences.

In Conclusion

Quick, name the top five players in the NBA. In no particular order, Kobe, Bron Bron, Chris Paul, D-Wade, and Dwight Howard. Maybe some leeway there, but hear me out.

Kobe plays in the West, and he beats the Mavericks, which is more than enough reason to root against him, except when he plays the Spurs.

To recap the article, three out of those five should, nay must, be hated by any self-respecting Mavs fans.

So what can we as Mavericks fans root for, besides our team. More than you might think.

• LeBron James. He doesn't really have an effect on the Mavs, besides playing them twice a year. Until he beats us in the Finals (which, at the point, we would be lucky to see), there's no reason to dislike him, at least from a Mavericks point of View.
  
• Chris Bosh. Man, is he fun to watch. A Dallas native, he's stashed all the way up in Canada, and his team isn't good enough to beat the Mavs. Sounds like a winner in my book.
  
• The Boston Celtics' Big Three. Despite the beatdown they gave us yesterday, there isn't much to dislike there. I always liked Pierce, Garnett, and Allen, and since we only play them twice, and we sure as hell won't be meeting them in the Finals anytime soon, they're safe.
  

And that's about it. The good news? The Celtics just beat the Lakers, and Bron and (hopefully) the Cavs look to have a good shot at keeping the rest of the teams from winning anytime soon. Sure, that could eventually include the Mavericks, but we'll pass that bridge when we come to it.

You might be wondering, after reading this, why Mavericks fans don't just hang themselves with their Dirk jerseys. Well, because A) a Tony Romo jersey would offer more support, and B) It's not all bad.

Every time Dirk hits one of those completely undefendable fade-aways, it's worth it. Every time you see Mark Cuban on the sidelines, screaming for his team harder than any fan, it's worth it. Every time you see Jason Kidd use spin to put the ball where it has absolutely no right to be, it's worth it.

And maybe one day, when Dirk is holding the Larry O'Brien trophy far above his head with a beaming-from-ear-to-ear Cuban next to him, and David Stern looking like he's rather eat a bullet that hand that trophy to Cuban, it will really be worth it.