2009 Predictions Sure to Be Wrong

Well many people have asked me, and these are my predictions for 2009:

1.Lions take Michael Crabtree with the first pick of the 2009 NFL Draft: Obviously the Lions learned a lot in the Matt Millen era, as they decide to draft the "electrifying" Crabtree of Texas Tech over Matt Stafford and Sam Bradford. After the draft Marinelli is fired and Millen is hired as the new head coach (how convenient).

2. Lions find their quarterback: Upon discovering that the Lions needed a franchise quarterback, Matt Millen decides to sign Mike Vick and tag him as their franchise player. "After Marinelli decided to draft another wide receiver, I immediately realized that I needed to be proactive about the situation and thus found Vick to be the man for the job," a jubilant Millen said. Vick was not available for comment as he was seeking advice from OJ Simpson.

3. Bengals franchise folds: You figured this had to be coming. Commissioner Roger Goodell found a way to arrest every Cincinnati Bengals player from the 52 man roster. With no team available to field, the Bengals were forced to throw in the towel and complicate the NFL even more.

4. Bonds signs a one day contract: The day before he was due in court, Barry Bonds was signed to a one game contract by, of all teams, the Pittsburgh Pirates. The Pirates were looking for a way to attract fans to the ballpark and ultimately decided that perhaps signing Bonds could provide a winning season (i.e. 1992). Bonds was intentionally walked four times and the Pirates won the game.

5.Kobe/Shaq rap collaboration: After hearing Shaquille O'Neal rapping and asking him how his *** tastes, Kobe Bryant decided to take matters into his own hands. He approached Shaq, and asked if the two could form a rap group together. The two became a very popular rap duo and even released a hit record together. However, Kobe true to himself, let fame go to his head and became very self-centered and Shaq and Kobe broke up (again).

6. Oklahoma City Thunder make the NBA Finals: Despite having the worst uniforms in the league and a record to boot, the Oklahoma City Thunder were able to forge a rally and get into the NBA Finals. With team work and seven different head coaches, the Thunder did one thing right, give the ball to Kevin Durant. Durant's point per game total of 99.5 easily placed the Thunder in the NBA Finals. However, the team lost to the Stephon Marbury led New York Knicks 4-2 after Durant got injured in game five.

7. Michael Jordan comes out of retirement again: Tired of losing to Charles Barkley in golf, Michael Jordan decided to un-retire yet again (take that Brett Favre) and play for the Charlotte Bobcats. The combined attack of Emeka Okafor, Gerald Wallace and MJ, brought the Bobcats to the conference finals. The Bobcats won game six 101-92, however lost game seven after Jordan bailed on his team in favor of being the star of Happy Gilmore 2. 

8. Tiger retires from competitive golf: Citing irreconcilable differences to the game of golf, Tiger Woods retired from golf immediately after winning the 2009 Masters (which was his first tournament since the 2008 U.S. Open). "I feel that I have done all that I can with the great sport of golf. I think at this stage of my life, I need to be with the people that need me the most; Elin and Sam," said a choked up Tiger.