Am I one to mock?
If you answered this question with a “no,” “maybe,” or “I don’t know,” then I’d like to welcome you to the blog. This is obviously your first time here.
Anyway, one of the recurring themes since the Alabama game has been the constant comparison between former defensive coordinator Brian VanGorder and current defensive coordinator Willie Martinez. Dawg fans have been relentless in putting BVG on a pedestal while taking liberties at throwing WM under the bus.
Now I’m not saying that a little bashing of Martinez isn’t warranted. Lord knows I’ve done my fair share, and so has the President-elect. However, I think anointing BVG as the second coming of Erk Russell is a little premature and, honestly, annoying. BUT, it makes for good writing.
So, with that in mind, I’d like to give you some Brian VanGorder “facts” that you may not have heard before (for the record, No. 2 and No. 3 were not written by me).
1. BVG let the dogs out. And he's pissed that you asked about it.
2. BVG once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19, 1999, a naked BVG re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3,000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor and still owes him a beer.
3. The chief export of BVG is PAIN.
4. BVG doesn't coach. He merely sends mortals out to do his work so that fewer people get killed.
5. If you ask BVG for a form of identification, he steamrolls you to the ground and then puts you in the "lips jar."
6. BVG in a call to Tim Tebow: "Tim, I am your father."
7. Chernobyl wasn't a disaster. Merely a place where BVG spiked the nuclear football.
8. BVG has already read this list and has come up with schemes to defend against it.
9. BVG doesn't recruit players. He keeps them from going somewhere else.
10. How do you know if you've gotten a present from BVG for Christmas? You wake up on Dec. 26.
11. BVG sneezed on a man once. After three days in the hospital, countless surgeries to fix internal bleeding, and a visit from Dr. House, the man was released.
12. BVG is the one man Urban Meyer WON’T point and stare at.
13. If BVG had taken part in “The Celebration,” he would have left a path of passed-out strippers and empty cans of Old Milwaukee.
14. BVG’s secret ingredient when he cooks is BLITZ.
15. BVG’s “Two Thumbs Up” is not a sign of a job well done. He’s just telling his players to let the other team live.
16. BVG IS the best thing since sliced bread.
17. BVG doesn’t introduce himself. He just asks, “Have you accepted BVG as your personal lord and savior?”
18. People are petitioning Webster’s to eliminate the word “perfect” from the dictionary and replace it with BVG. For example, “For two payments of $19.95, you can own the ‘BVG Pushup.’”
19. BVG taught Dirk Diggler everything he knows.
20. If Rennie Curran swam from Liberia to kick your ass, BVG was the one saying, “Stroke! Stroke!”
Well, there you have it. I hope you guys enjoyed it. Merry Christmas to all of you, and I hope everyone has a very happy and safe new year.
Until next time kids.