The following interview was conducted with Jeremy Shockey's forthcoming Super Bowl ring, recently minted and soon to be presented to the controversial tight end.
Beezer: How are you doing, Mr. Ring? It's great to finally speak with you. I know that you are probably very busy right now, having been minted not too long ago, so I really appreciate your making the time.
Mr. Ring: No problem, Beezer. What are friends for?
Beezer: So let me begin by pointing out to our readers that you are, in my estimation, a very large ring. Now I'm not sure how ring sizing works—no woman would ever come near me—but you are clearly meant for a thick finger.
Mr. Ring: That’s correct. They make Super Bowl rings in many sizes, and I am one of the largest in my batch. Jeremy is a huge, bloated fellow, and he's so full of synthetics that I'm a little worried about my future on his hand. I might not fit in ten to twenty years. Slippage is one of the major concerns that face Super Bowl rings of my generation.
Beezer: Then are you concerned about your self-image?
Mr. Ring: Absolutely. I don't want to end up relegated to a box or closet just because I no longer fit. That would be the ultimate nightmare.
Beezer: Come on, do you really think that this guy is going to let a single day pass without his bling? That's not the Jeremy Shockey I know.
Mr. Ring: I appreciate the encouragement. And, yes, a lot of my fellow rings made sure to point out how lucky I am to have received this placement. There's no denying that he will likely wear me until the day he dies.
Everyone has been giving Grey Ruegamer's ring a hard time, because it's his second one. Word on the street is that he may have to platoon with the New England ring. That's gotta suck.
Beezer: Now we've talked about how cocky and arrogant Jeremy is. Do you expect that he’ll use you as bait in some way? Maybe flash you around to women in Vegas?
Mr. Ring: That's the least of my worries! My concern is that he’ll leave me on during even the dirtiest of Vegas outings. Think about all the places that I'll be going. We all saw him getting hammered with his buddies in the skybox on Super Sunday—God knows what he did that night.
Beezer: So you think that you may end up in some sticky situations?
Mr. Ring: Well, to put it another way, it would be a lot easier to be Steve Young's ring.
Beezer: Very true. And what about the resentment factor?
Mr. Ring: You mean the fact that Jeremy didn't play in any of the postseason, and his absence was likely a catalyst for the team's surprising success?
Beezer: Exactly.
Mr. Ring: Well, there's always a chance that I will be what our kind calls a "resentment ring." It's sort of like being the successful child of a man with failed dreams. Nobody wants to be one of those.
One of my cousins knows Drew Bledsoe's ring, and he's gone through some really hard times. At one point, Drew even refused to bring him to Buffalo. It’s a really sad story.
But rumor has it that Jeremy is already bragging that the "Giants would have won by thirty points" had he been in the game. So I'm not too worried.
Beezer: Any predictions for the future? If Jeremy ends up moving to a city less brightly lit than New York—how will that affect your relationship with him?
Mr. Ring: Oh, it would only improve matters. Jeremy is not really satisfied as a big fish in a big pond. He wants to be a massive fish in a medium-sized pond. Look for him to end up on a struggling team in a Midwest town. The Cleveland Browns would be a great fit, as would the Rams in maybe a decade or so, you know, when their glory’s worn thin.
Jeremy wants to be the most important man wherever he sets foot, and that's very possible in a city without Jeters or Mannings.
Beezer: Well, Ring, I appreciate your taking the time to speak with me. I think that you have a bright future with Jeremy. It's really all a Super Bowl ring could ask for.
Mr. Ring: No problem, Beezer. I'll write to you after Jeremy gives me my first professional cleaning.
Beezer: Oh, I think that you'll be getting quite a few of those.
Mr. Ring: Me, too. Thanks, and have a great weekend.
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6 months ago
this was thoroughly entertaining, thanks for that!
6 months ago
This was great.
6 months ago
Plaxico doesn't have a ring from Pittsburgh
6 months ago
Anonymous is right, he left the year before pittsburgh won the superbowl
6 months ago
Yeah, I think that Mr. Ring is kind of delusional. He has probably ingested some of Jeremy Shockey's PCP-tinged sweat.
6 months ago
What a stupid interview. To me Jeremy Shockey embodies what the New York Giants stand for and for reporters and fans to mock him is abosolutely stupid. Shockey may have been a temper-tantrum throwing kid in previous years but he has shown that he has grown. That may be by pressure from the management and coaching staff of the Giants but none the less he has become less vocal about his opinions regarding the team. What most of you forget is that he was young when he had outbursts and made inflammatory comments...but age tells all. You can't blame him for being young and learning when and where things are appropriate. Most of you haven't learnt that obviously. Jeremy has proven himself time and time again--both on and off the field. He may have been quick to criticize in the past but I believe that any criticism he may have had was in the best interest of the team. The New York Giants played a decent season with him and yes they played even better post-season..but that does not mean that they played better because he wasn't there. Shockey supports all the players on the team even if he doesn't agree with them. For all you fools that believe the Giants would be better off without him need to have your heads examined, the Giants need Shockey as much as he needs them. People need to realize that Jeremy Shockey is a great player and he deserves the respect of a great player. I am and always will be a Shockey supporter...I just hope that New York stays that way too!
6 months ago
I don't think it's a coincidence that Eli suddenly starts throwing better than he has in his entire NFL career when Shockey was side-lined. Sure he can be a huge target and wreak havoc on opposing teams' secondaries, however, his need for attention in the huddle is detrimental to the team. Until Shockey learns to let Eli run the show that he has certainly proven that he is capable of running, the Giants are a better team without him.
6 months ago
Just a random thought, but Shockey wasn't on the playoff roster, right? I thought that meant he wouldn't be receiving a ring.
6 months ago
This is one of the most creative articles i have read in a while. I like how you can make a point about Shockey's personality and get a great laugh in. way to go. I agree with Justin too, The Giants don't need him and would be better off getting rid of him this offseason.
6 months ago
funny stuff....maybe shockey's ring can hang out with eric gagne's world series ring and Steve Janaszak's 1980 US olympic gold medal (he was the backup goalie to jim craig and never saw the ice).
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