The following interview was conducted with Jeremy Shockey's forthcoming Super Bowl ring, recently minted and soon to be presented to the controversial tight end.
Beezer: How are you doing, Mr. Ring? It's great to finally speak with you. I know that you are probably very busy right now, having been minted not too long ago, so I really appreciate your making the time.
Mr. Ring: No problem, Beezer. What are friends for?
Beezer: So let me begin by pointing out to our readers that you are, in my estimation, a very large ring. Now I'm not sure how ring sizing works—no woman would ever come near me—but you are clearly meant for a thick finger.
Mr. Ring: That’s correct. They make Super Bowl rings in many sizes, and I am one of the largest in my batch. Jeremy is a huge, bloated fellow, and he's so full of synthetics that I'm a little worried about my future on his hand. I might not fit in ten to twenty years. Slippage is one of the major concerns that face Super Bowl rings of my generation.
Beezer: Then are you concerned about your self-image?
Mr. Ring: Absolutely. I don't want to end up relegated to a box or closet just because I no longer fit. That would be the ultimate nightmare.
Beezer: Come on, do you really think that this guy is going to let a single day pass without his bling? That's not the Jeremy Shockey I know.
Mr. Ring: I appreciate the encouragement. And, yes, a lot of my fellow rings made sure to point out how lucky I am to have received this placement. There's no denying that he will likely wear me until the day he dies.
Everyone has been giving Grey Ruegamer's ring a hard time, because it's his second one. Word on the street is that he may have to platoon with the New England ring. That's gotta suck.
Beezer: Now we've talked about how cocky and arrogant Jeremy is. Do you expect that he’ll use you as bait in some way? Maybe flash you around to women in Vegas?
Mr. Ring: That's the least of my worries! My concern is that he’ll leave me on during even the dirtiest of Vegas outings. Think about all the places that I'll be going. We all saw him getting hammered with his buddies in the skybox on Super Sunday—God knows what he did that night.
Beezer: So you think that you may end up in some sticky situations?
Mr. Ring: Well, to put it another way, it would be a lot easier to be Steve Young's ring.
Beezer: Very true. And what about the resentment factor?
Mr. Ring: You mean the fact that Jeremy didn't play in any of the postseason, and his absence was likely a catalyst for the team's surprising success?
Mr. Ring: Well, there's always a chance that I will be what our kind calls a "resentment ring." It's sort of like being the successful child of a man with failed dreams. Nobody wants to be one of those.
One of my cousins knows Drew Bledsoe's ring, and he's gone through some really hard times. At one point, Drew even refused to bring him to Buffalo. It’s a really sad story.
But rumor has it that Jeremy is already bragging that the "Giants would have won by thirty points" had he been in the game. So I'm not too worried.
Beezer: Any predictions for the future? If Jeremy ends up moving to a city less brightly lit than New York—how will that affect your relationship with him?
Mr. Ring: Oh, it would only improve matters. Jeremy is not really satisfied as a big fish in a big pond. He wants to be a massive fish in a medium-sized pond. Look for him to end up on a struggling team in a Midwest town. The Cleveland Browns would be a great fit, as would the Rams in maybe a decade or so, you know, when their glory’s worn thin.
Jeremy wants to be the most important man wherever he sets foot, and that's very possible in a city without Jeters or Mannings.
Beezer: Well, Ring, I appreciate your taking the time to speak with me. I think that you have a bright future with Jeremy. It's really all a Super Bowl ring could ask for.
Mr. Ring: No problem, Beezer. I'll write to you after Jeremy gives me my first professional cleaning.
Beezer: Oh, I think that you'll be getting quite a few of those.
Mr. Ring: Me, too. Thanks, and have a great weekend.