What if the French were to score an upset, would it be the end of the world for New Zealand?
Since beating the Wallabies, New Zealand has become a land abuzz with confidence. A country brimming in the glad anticipation of seeing a second All Black captain triumphantly hoist the William Webb Ellis Trophy. All that needs to happen is a repeat of what occurred in 1987 and for us to beat the French.
It’s been a long time between drinks. It’s a celebration the country has earned.
Here’s a foretelling of what would happen if the French were to win.
(1) The use of the word “choke” will explode. Twitter will report new record trending levels for a verb.
(2) New Zealanders will blissfully think nothing is happening in the world, as local media devote all attention to explaining the All Blacks lost.
(3) The English speaking world will chastise New Zealand for allowing a non-English speaking team to win the William Webb Ellis trophy for the first time.
(4) Rugby fans from Australia and South Africa will send their New Zealand counterparts letters of sympathy offering comforting messages like “Hey, life never really improved when we won our second world cup. It’s no big deal.”
(5) South African referee Craig Joubert will be blamed for the loss.
(6) Rugby columns around the world will become plagued with French puns.
Headlines like the following will be blazoned across papers:
La revolution of rugby.
All Blacks receive French lesson.
French foreign legion storm Eden Park.
All Blacks upset by French connection.
All Black entrance to heaven is bridge barred closed (think Bridget Bardot).
French do so trois (think French captain and their winning the cup on their third attempt).
(7) Pffff. No one in France will really care.
(8) Mobile phones and Twitter will be used to organise spontaneous events across the country. Instead of flash hakas these events will be flash-sob-mobs, people assembling to cry together.
(9) Marc Lievremont will call his team “spoilt brats” for celebrating the World Cup victory.
(10) New Zealanders will stay awake 24/7 waiting for their chance to get through to radio talkback shows and share their opinions on why the All Blacks lost.
(11) You know those virals which have witty captions running over images of Piri Weepu pointing; someone will produce one which says "OK, I know, it's that way to the door."
(12) Graham Henry will retire and go fishing (in fact, this will happen if the All Blacks win or lose).
(13) Many fans (especially those from the South Island) will storm New Zealand Rugby Union offices, resolutely claiming “Robbie Deans should have been appointed and not Henry.”
They will demand Robbie’s appointment as Henry’s successor. Wallabies’ response will be “sure he’s all yours and you can take Quade Cooper back as well.”
(14) Colin Slade will be made All Black first-five. Fans would seek Colin’s forgiveness for suggesting Aaron Cruden was Dan Carter’s heir apparent.
(15) Papers will stop featuring dopey photos of Sonny Bill Williams having fun and playing pranks at practices. Actually this would be a good thing!
(16) New Zealand’s Pacific population will go back to supporting Tonga. They will be bewildered as to how New Zealand could lose to a country that once bombed the Pacific and who earlier in the tournament had bombed a game against a Pacific team.
(17) New Zealanders will stop banking at ANZ, drinking Heineken, sending faxes on Toshiba facsimiles. This will demonstrate the commercial perils of major sponsorship arrangements. No one will purchase anything that has any sort of connection to France.
(18) No one will go and watch Peter Jackson’s latest movie, Tintin; even though the character is Belgian and not French.
(19) The current National government will take no responsibility for the disastrous result. In fact, they will blame the previous government for playing a major part in securing the rights to host the event.
(20) A full enquiry into the loss will be staged. Findings will blame coaches, training regimes, education systems and the receptionist who sits in the foyer of the Rugby Union’s offices. There’ll be no mention of the fact that the loss was due to the players not being able to score enough points to beat their opponents.
Here’s to none of these possibilities eventuating!!!