Arsenal Transfer Talk: "Relief Materials" Arrive at the Emirates Stadium

The Sun is shining brightly at the Emirates and all the birds have decided to fly past the stadium again because there’s a new free-kick taker in town: Mikel Arteta.

For the past six years, many bird families have held funerals for their loved ones because of the threat called Robin van Persie; a man whose proposed free kicks have killed a lot of these flying mammals times without number.

Like Fabregas, Messi, Pique and Quaresma (I wonder what dimension he’s in now), Arteta was forged out from Barcelona’s Mutant Academy on Planet Krypton.

Quaresma evolved from Sporting CP’s academy but I just wanted to add him to the list because Barcelona was his second club after Sporting CP and he has also disintegrated into Soul Reaver’s Raziel’s Spectral Realm and I kinda miss the bloke.

There were times when he set the Champions League alight with his dazzling skills, amazing technique and stunts with the outside of his boot in his days at Porto.

Arteta couldn’t break into the Barcelona starting XI so he was sent to Paris SG on loan for two seasons before he was sold to Glasgow Rangers in 2002.

In his first season at Rangers, he became a household name but the Spanish homesickness effect that attacked Reyes in his Arsenal days came on Arteta so he was packaged and sent back to Spain.

When he moved to Real Sociedad in 2004, Arteta relished the prospect of playing with his childhood friend, Xabi Alonso the soccer quarterback, but the midfielder moved to England to play for Liverpool. Arteta struggled a lot in Sociedad so he was sent on loan to Everton in a deal that had the clause of a permanent transfer.

Arteta impressed David Moyes during the loan spell and sealed a move to the Merseysiders and notched up a total of 191 games, smashing in 31 goals. Arteta also won the Everton Player of the Season award twice (2005/06 and 2006/07).

Arteta made a £10m switch to Arsenal around 11pm making him Wenger’s final signing for the summer and Fabregas’ ideal replacement at the club.

Arsenal fans are already drooling in the prospect of watching him make his debut against Swansea on the 10th of September but Arteta was quick to thank the Everton fans for their support and has already told the media vultures that he’s looking forward to this new chapter in his football career:

“It is a big opportunity for me and my family and I think it is the right time for me to take it. It is a big challenge, a different challenge, fresh for me and I want to see myself on the biggest stage, the Champions League.’

“I am 29 years old, so I haven’t got much time left to take a chance like this one.’

He also talked about his time at Everton:

“I think I have done my best for Everton. I always try hard, I have been as professional as I could and I was grateful for the support and the love that the club and the fans showed me.’

‘It is very difficult to say goodbye. Obviously, I am never going to forget what I have done here and what the people and this club have done for me.”

He’s going to be a player that Everton would miss because he was an integral part of Moyes’ squad. Anytime I think of Arteta, I always remember that wonder goal he scored against Bolton where he showed close control and technique before smashing it past Jaaskelainen with his left foot.

Arteta is a highly technical player that has a good passing range, so he’ll give Arsenal that Fabregas aura that went into thin air after Optimus Fabregas Prime joined those Decepticons on Planet Catalunya.

Arteta also hinted that the lure of Champions League football played a major role in his decision.

Arteta already has vast Premier League experience so the issue of “settling in” won’t really come up, because he has played at the Emirates a couple of times wearing the Blue of Everton.

Everton legend Graeme Sharp believes that Arteta can be as good as Fabregas:

“It was a surprise to everybody, people thought if anyone was going to go it would be Phil Jagielka, no one had even mentioned Mikel Arteta.’

“He’s a fantastic footballer, though, and you can see the reason why Arsenal have been looking at him.’

“His form wasn’t great last year, but if you want someone to replace Fabregas, then they’ve got the ideal person. He’s a little bit older now, but I still think it’s a fantastic deal for Arsenal.’

“David Moyes will be frustrated this morning. I don’t think any manager wants to lose their best players, and Arteta comes into that category.”

Frustration is a virtue most Premier League managers have become used to, so David Moyes shouldn’t break sweat on the loss of Arteta.

At least, he didn’t receive a humiliating 8-2 spanking in his last Premier League game, instead Lady Luck smiled on him twice when Blackburn missed two penalties. But Arteta converted Everton’s penalty at the death after Samba had decided to change his playing trade from football to rugby.

That 8-2 mauling in the hands of Arsenal’s fierce rivals forced Wenger to make a lot of signings at every position in his squad even though he said that he was going to do it.

Wenger’s defensive signing is a player that’s as long as Jack’s beanstalk, Per Mertesacker.

The defender is settling well in London but he was quick to say that Arsenal didn’t buy him because of the 8-2 demolition.

Mertesacker also said that he has an emotional connection to Arsenal and he’s very delighted to realize his Arsenal dream:

“When I was young, I visited England with my auntie, as somebody who was football crazy, I simply had to come back with a shirt.’

“I can’t remember why, but I came back with an Arsenal shirt and my brother had a Manchester United one. This affinity has grown over more than 10 years and now the loop closes because I am delighted to finally get to play at a team I always supported and where I always wanted to appear eventually.”

Don’t you just love how footballers come up with this ‘dream move’ tale when they join a new club?

Mertesacker continued:

“I think Arsenal had been watching me for a while and had intended to sign me for a while. It was a strange situation for me because it was not clear for a long time what would happen, and it dragged out to the very end. After the medical in London [on Tuesday], it took until late on deadline day and I was unsure it would work out, but then I was delighted in the end. It is a dream come true.”

Whether it was his dream move or Wenger’s defensive fantasy, I’m extremely delighted that a defender as composed and intelligent as Mertesacker is going to be Vermaelen’s partner.

In as much as think this will be painful to write, the Vermisacker combination will be like the combo between @Rioferdy5 and Vidic the Terrible.

Vermaelen will be doing the dirty work while Mertesacker will be the coordinated sweeper. He just has to work on his English so that he’ll create a telepathy with the Verm, but football will be the language that he’ll be speaking for now.

He’ll also be a massive threat during set pieces for Arsenal. Arteta and van Persie can even launch the ball into orbit while playing a corner kick. When the ball lands back to Earth with fire like a meteorite, Mertesacker will still be the first player to nod the ball to the opponents’ net.

A German journalist called Ulrich Klose has vouched for his compatriot, saying that he’s confident that Mertesacker can stabilize Arsenal’s defense.

Wenger also signed football’s Harry Potter on loan from rivals Chelsea. This was the first time Arsenal was dealing with Chelsea over five years after the antics of Ca$hley Cole.

Yossi Benayoun said that he’s relishing the challenge of playing for Arsenal and I’m also relishing the prospect of watching him wear the sacred Red and White.

When Arsenal visited Anfield in April 2009, Arshavin stole the show with his four goals, but Benayoun inflicted serious damage on the Gunners with a brace. He made mincemeat out of Silvestre and Gibbs and he also got jabbed in the face by Kolo Toure after scoring his first goal in that match.

Benayoun also did Arsenal a big favor in 2006 when he scored the goal that resigned Tottenham to fifth place but he was in West Ham colors. In as much that Benayoun is renowned for being a Masters Degree holder in Dribblinology, I love his versatility.

A Fulham Chronicle journalist called Dan Levene supports my claims. Benayoun is naturally an attacking midfielder but he can also play from the flanks.

Arsenal’s new boy Andre Santos didn’t want to be left out on the party of new signings talking to the media Vultures so he told them that he was delighted to be part of the Arsenal family:

“There are great expectations from the supporters and I hope that my way of working, of playing, will win the hearts and minds of the other players, the supporters and all those who work for Arsenal. This is my main goal at the club. I managed to win over the supporters at Fenerbahce and I hope the same will happen here.”

Santos added:

“I arrive here with one aim: being a champion. I will wear Arsenal’s shirt and give my utmost to it. I will do everything for the club.”

It’s heartwarming to know that Arsenal’s new boys are ready to give their all and strut their stuffs on the pitch, but this article by Chiebuka Nworah tags them as relief materials that arrived at the Emirates.

He labeled Arsenal’s new signings as humanitarian aid that came to the club after the Manchester United tsunami that ravaged the club with a magnitude of 8.2:

“Relief materials began arriving Emirates stadium barely 24 hours, as the aftermath of the devastation left by an 8.2 magnitude earthquake which brought Arsenal on its knees.

French envoy C. Y. Park unceremoniously arrived first due to French interests and proximity.

 On the 31st, Turkish authorities sent in Brazilian-born mercenary Andre Santos.

 Next was the arrival of a 6.6 ton German cargo named MV Per, which was closely followed by Ambassador Mikel Arteta from Everton.

Admiral Villas-Boas (AVB) of the Royal Blue Navy on compassionate grounds, deployed for a brief period Israeli trained mosad Yossi Benayoun to oversee operations until hostilities cease at Arsenal.”

In other Arsenal related news, Rosicky says that Arsenal has plenty time to turn things around and Ramsey hails the new midfield signings, Mikel Arteta and Yossi Benayoun.

You’ll have to agree with their assessments. Rosicky knows that only three games have been played and there are 35 more to go. Also remember that Man Utd, Man City, Chelsea and Liverpool will play each other.

The tweet of the day goes to Onyinye Chime:

@onyimama: “#thatAwkwardmoment when an Arsenal fan asks for the time and you tell him 8.02″

Yes, I know.

More quotes with the 8-2 mauling. 

Sayonara.