5. Over-celebration after scoring has dire consequences. In football, it’s a 16 yard penalty. In horror, the offender is manually decapitated by a guy who looks like Sloth from The Goonies.
4. Loud-mouthed spectators who are mediocre in every facet of life are utterly convinced that they could have performed better than those involved.
3. The only person at your party who’s cheering for the bad guys is that creepy, uninvited nerd with halitosis. His name is probably Oliver Fish, or something similarly abominable.
2. The worst, most unlikely predictions always come from people who just don’t get it. They don’t get it, they never have, and they never will. They fail at all they attempt, yet, astoundingly, they continue to attempt things at breakneck speed. They’re just straight up terrible. God...they’re just awful. Bet money against these miserable cowards.
1. Even though he’s on the good guys’ side, you secretly hope that weenie you never liked gets mauled before you have to take your first bathroom break.
5. While African-American players are a crucial component of all NFL clubs, in horror they’re always the first victims of, say, the shapeshifting nympho-demon who squeezes them so hard their eyeballs pop out.
4. On your typical NFL Sunday it’s unlikely you’ll see teenagers having sex before the guy’s jugular is devoured by a flesh-eating zombie. Once John Madden chewed on a fellow commentator’s throat, but alas, the victim was neither a teenager nor involved in illicit sexual activity. At a press conference later that day, Madden claimed his friend was “delicious.”
3. NFL players are top quality professionals of the highest order. Horror actors are debatably a level above Gonzo pornstars. There’s actually a revolving door between those two levels, with some actors on set wearing a banana costume with a tube sock around their erect dink on Monday; come Wednesday Wes Craven is filming them running away for dear life from an 85 foot killer sandwich.
2. Certainly both are multi-million dollar industries, but the NFL is a far more acceptable enterprise to mainstream society. The horror industry culls most of its bucks from ramen noodle-slurping Goth shut-ins whose fantasy worlds star characters with names like Nilbog and Gorp.
1. It’s been a very long time since the Superdome mysteriously lost power on a football Sunday and it was up to five zany and unwitting college students who, between frequent showers and various shocking deaths, discovered the supernatural nature of the evil they were facing and confronted it head on, with all but one dying in the end.
As dawn broke over New Orleans, the lone survivor, clothes torn and face bloodied and worn, limped from the Dome with a shotgun relaxed over his shoulder, and quipped, “That’s what I call a crushing defeat,” referring to the moment 30 minutes earlier when he dropped the entire scoreboard on the monster.