Planking and Other Ridiculous Offseason Activities
Now that we have two sports that are officially locked out, owners have more to worry about then whether or not there will be a season.
All the sitting around time is bad for team chemistry, staying in shape, and staying out of trouble. Without the constant barking of Stan Van Gundy’s beautiful voice or the piercing of NFL coaches’ whistles, there is no telling what types of childish antics athletes will come up with.
Here are the ridiculous offseason activities athletes like to indulge in when they are not working on their game tirelessly (on xbox).
15. Getting in Legal Trouble
The lockout prevents the NBA from enforcing punishment on its players, but you can bet once the work stoppage is over, players like Michael Beasley and Hines Ward might receive fines and suspensions for their actions.
Beasley was cited for marijuana possession while Ward got in trouble for drunk driving. These ridiculous incidents are avoidable and unacceptable. Athletes need to get back in the gym and start using their heads.
14. Odd Commercials
Not everyone is going to be endorsing Coca-cola right out of the gate. This is understandable, but some commercials these athletes are in are weird.
Take the Kevin Love commercial where he is in a stranger’s shower. I know he is endorsing body wash, but still. They then urge you to go loveintheshower.com, further adding to the creepiness.
Sorry Kevin, I think ill stick with Old Spice.
Hines Ward is a Super Bowl champion and a four-time Pro Bowl selection. Ask him to name his most important accomplishment of his career and you will get the quick answer of Dancing with the Stars champion.
That’s right folks, Ward is your season 12 champion. Many players have shown their dancing skills in the endzone, but Ward took it to a whole new level.
Look out for his moves next season, because this was the offseason of dance.
There are two very different types of boxing.
The first type is the cardio, getting in shape, home video version.
The other is the, “I am getting in this ring and knock you to the floor” version. Tom Zbikoski has chosen the latter.
This is similar to football in the way that it is kill or be killed, but it is also very dangerous and not at all something that a team would allow in a different circumstance. Once the lockout is over, I am sure he will be getting a call from coach Harbaugh.
11. Working on Sitcoms
Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images
Who says that the days of the sitcom are over? Apparently not Terrell Owens. The injured receiver has been shopping around his new sitcom ideas to networks hoping to get a bite.
In the increasingly realistic scenario that he retires, Owens will need a new project to keep him entertained. A show loosely based off of his life is a nice ego boost and might actually be entertaining.
This is a harmless activity you do with your friends at a bar, or in the case of the Houston Rockets at a charity event. This seems all well and good until you hear Luis Scola sing.
The Argentinean made a huge rookie karaoke mistake by going top shelf with his song selection. Total Eclipse of the Heart is a classic love ballad that Scola not only butchered, but he kind of makes me never want to hear that song again.
9. Cliff Diving
Last offseason Deron Williams went cliff diving. This offseason he is planning on playing in Turkey if the lockout continues as planned. To each their own, but he has to be an owner’s nightmare.
The cliff diving is a little more intense than finding other employment during a work stoppage, but both have to make his employer anxious.
8. Trying out for Other Sports
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I am not going to condemn Ochocinco from trying something new, especially when he is locked out of the Bengals’ facilities.
In typical Ochocinco fashion, he thought his smooth talking and natural athleticism would allow him to get by in a sport very different than football (pun completely intended).
His run in the MLS ended amiably but it was pretty obvious from the get go that 10th grade soccer skills do not translate to the pro level.
7. Getting into Twitter Wars
Somehow Dwight Howard is always the center of conversation. He is not a bad guy by any means, but he cannot seem to stay away from the extracurricular activities, even if it is stirring up one of your biggest rivals.
This time he called out Lebron James with, “lol he took his talents to south beach and left his hairline in Cleveland lol”. Is it necessary to give Lebron another reason to spank the Orlando Magic?
6. Speed Boating
Between all of the hard workouts that Albert Haynesworth has (kidding) he finds time to go powerboating in the offseason.
Going 160 mph on the water has to an exhilarating experience, but being a $100 million comes with responsibilities that include preventing injury or death. He is going to do what he wants to do, but that does not make this activity an less dangerous or insane.
5. Hosting WWE RAW
What goes great with a championship ring? How about a WWE belt? Ben Roethlisberger took his talents to World Wrestling Entertainment, where he hosted Monday night RAW.
He brought his offensive line with him for protection, performed a cute little skit, and stomped around as a Super Bowl champ.
For a generation that grew up on guys like “The Rock”, the football and wrestling world have a pretty seamless transition. I want to see Ray Lewis in the ring actually beating down on guys.
4. Bull Riding
On this segment of what Chad Ochocinco is doing to piss off the NFL, we will look at his rendezvous with bull riding.
This one is a bit harder to defend than kicking the ball around. Chad lasted 1.5 seconds (which by my estimation is longer than anyone else would last), earning $10,000 and the title of the dumbest athlete on the planet.
I suppose if you go over the middle often enough and take on Ray Lewis, a 1,500 bull is not so bad.
Jemal Countess/Getty Images
Yes, it is correct, you are looking at Sean Avery right now, the hard-hitting NHL goon. His love of fashion has taken him farther in life than one would expect.
He interned at Vogue magazine and is trying to perfect his craft for his life after hockey. This is not your traditional offseason activity and it has to put him on the wrong end of many locker room jokes.
2. Conspiracy Theorizing
Rashard Mendenhall, like many Americans, had an opinion about the death of Osama Bin Laden. The problem is, for whatever reason, being a professional athlete does not make you a credible source.
First, he condemned people for celebrating the death of Bin Laden. Then, he decided to take it one step further and bring 9/11 into the fold. The man is entitled to his opinion, but this is the ultimate, “I’m locked out, bored, and unsupervised. Let’s tweet” moment.
I may never understand what the intrigue in lying down on an inanimate object, but it seems harmless enough.
Dwight Howard, Gilbert Arenas, and Nate Robinson are the latest people to show us their planking skills. While the pose may seem weird, it takes a lot of strength to lay on top of a Pepsi machine like that.
He is actually looking a little Superman-like with that plank.
Planking on the Porsche
This is an expensive planking job. Maybe Arenas should be working on his game a little more and a little less on where he is going to lay down like a log.
It is good to see that he can still afford a Porsche though.
...and You Can Plank with Friends Too, Just Ask Nate Robinson
We have seen Nate Robinson fly through the air and make seemingly impossible plays. His size makes what he does even more impressive.
When it comes to planking, his lack of height is also a challenge. I think Robinson needs to step up his game and start planking like a man – no more kitchen counters.