God Help Us, Everyone: Ideas for Fixing the Bengals
What has not worked:
- Boycott buying team merchandise. These are pennies to Mike, he could care less if a bunch of people decide not to buy some jerseys or golf club covers.
- Going to the stadium to boo the team. As long as you are going to the game and paying for that ticket Mike doesn't care what you do when you are there. You can boo, scream something obscene, expose yourself to his daughter, or throw things at the players. As long as you entered the gate by a ticket then it is all good to Mike.
- Call radio/T.V. shows and complain openly about Mike and the "team" he has assembled. As I stated before he lives in some under ground bunker, surrounded by a force field, in some alternate universe, so getting through medias in this universe is a little difficult, by the time it gets to him it is slightly distorted.
- Fly a banner over the stadium. Mike has Akili Smith, Mathias Askew, Odell Thurman, Jeff Rowe, Dan Wilkinson, and KiJana Carter on the roof with .50 caliber sniper rifles with orders to shoot down any plane with a banner that comes within five miles of the stadium. And everyone thought that those guys were wasted draft picks?!
New ideas to try:
- In all seriousness we need hit Mike Brown where it will hurt him the most, and no I don't mean in the face, although...Anyway in order to get Mike's attention everyone, and I mean EVERYONE needs to get serious about not renewing their season tickets, not buying tickets for the rest of this year, not showing up, not tail-gating, nothing.
Paul Brown Stadium needs to look like the rest of downtown Cincinnati on a Saturday at 6:00 pm, a ghost town. If there was a way to actually organize this and have people be patient and stick to the plan then we would be able to hit Mike Brown in the wallet and force him to sell or move.
Of course this is a pipe dream and I don't think you could convince enough people in Cincinnati to make a difference. So I will list other more unorthodox methods that I came up with that might work as well.
- Celebrity intervention. Of course Dr. Phil would have to be the host and some Bengals fans with bags on their heads could be sitting there with Mike as Dr. Phil tried to explain that Mikes inner demons were preventing this team from growing to the team it could be.
The "fans" would turn out to be relatives of Mikes and there would be tears and hugs and maybe Mike would then be forced to leave bizzarro world and face the reality of a terrible team.
- Get to the sniper team. I have said it before and I will say it again, there is a distinct possibility that this will never change until Mike is dead, by either natural means or otherwise.
If someone could convince one of his own snipers, I would suggest Jeff Rowe, sadly he is the most accurate of the group, to turn the gun on Mike himself then the problem is solved. Jeff would need to invoke the power of Lee Harvey and his magic bullets , and here, to make it happen though.
- Remake "A Christmas Carol." Playing the role of Ebenezer Scrooge will of course be Mike Brown, playing Jacob Marley will be Sam Wyche, playing the ghost of seasons past will be his father, Paul Brown, playing the ghost of the present will be Marvin Lewis, and playing the ghost of seasons future will be Art Modell. Who better to tell Mike about his future if he continues to neglect this team?
This is a made for TV movie waiting to happen and I better had see some money from it. Perhaps seeing all he has NOT done, and seeing where he is taking this team, where it is destined to go, maybe that will scare him enough to get his shit together. Or perhaps seeing Art Modell, the man that fired his father would be enough to motivate him.
Past all that I have no idea how to make this man see how he is destroying this team. In a year when Matt Millen was finally fired, you would think that Mike might see the light, but I guess there is no light in bizzarro land.
God help us, everyone.
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