-Not much to comment on this week, so I’ll just say that 94-degree heat really sucks.
-Happy Memorial Day to all those who served and paid the ultimate price…thank you all.
-We are LIVE! from Omaha, Neb. (My God, how boring)
-We kick off on a bad note…major sound problems. Ohhhh, Vinnie Mac is NOT going to be happy about this. R-Truth is apparently ripping apart a merchandise stand and yelling about John Cena, but you can’t hear anything he’s saying. Someone’s definitely getting fired for this one.
-Finally, we get sound back…but it’s not on delay even though the picture is, Omaha really sucks. Truth runs through the crowd and mocks everyone wearing a Cena shirt until he gets to a row of plants and insults them as well. Unfortunately, John Cena sees someone else under the spotlight and has to run out to the ring in order to put a stop to it. They agree to have a match tonight and the Great All-Seeing Anonymous Raw General Manager agrees.
-Out back, a bunch of rednecks eat watermelon and chill in a kiddie pool.
Kofi Kingston vs. Dolph Ziggler
I see Dolph’s brown hair didn’t last long…he looks like Jeff Jarrett 2011 with his current look. All he needs now is a father who will book him to win 34 world titles and the cloning will be complete.
They exchange headlocks for awhile until the pace picks up and Dolph catches Kofi with a kick and stomps away in the corner.
They screw up a spot in the corner but Kofi makes the comeback anyway and gets monkey flip but Dolph dumps him to the floor from the top and we take a break.
We return with Ziggler hitting an elbowdrop for two but he misses a blind charge and Kofi makes the babyface comeback. A sloppy reversal sequence leads to the Boom Drop but Dolph dodges Trouble in Paradise.
Kofi takes to the top rope instead but crashes and burns on a high cross body attempt and a Fame Asser gets two. Dolph tries for a gutbuster but Kofi small packages him for two.
Kingston goes for the SOS but Ziggler grabs the ropes to counter and hits the Zig Zag for the win.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler
-The first half of the match was nothing special but business picked up after the commercial break, so it gets ** and likes it.
-As an aside, do we REALLY need Lawler making fat jokes about Vickie Guerrero all night long when she’s clearly not THAT overweight? You have Michelle McCool running around looking like a Barbie doll and meanwhile Vickie is considered a whale? Don’t the young girls watching this stuff have enough image problems without WWE contributing to them?
-Your new hero, Alberto Del Rio, joins us and recaps the events that led to Big Show no-selling being run over by a car. Also, Alberto DEMANDS that Big Show pay for the damage he caused his luxury automobile. How can you not love this guy? Cole earns a slight amount of credibility back with me by mentioning the Brisco Brothers Body Shop.
-While planning the “divas standing around” segment, did the director just come out and say “start zoomed in on her boobs and then pull out?”…that’s what she said.
Bella Twins vs. Eve & Kelly Kelly
The Bellas get the All-American Wrestling entrance as I just realized the ring announcing doesn’t suck, so that means Justin Roberts must not be here.
Eve gets totally ignored during the face entrances and Kelly gets highlighted because she made some sort of Maxim list. Does anyone over the age of 19 read Maxim anyways?
Eve and one of the Bellas exchange some stuff until they do the old twin switch and Eve gets trapped in the heel corner. Vanilla offense follows until Eve suplexes out a headlock and gets the hot tag to Kelly Kelly, who’s belt is coming off…yes!
Stink face in the corner leads to a bulldog for two, saved by Nikki but Eve gets rid of her and Kelly finishes with a Fame Asser.
Winners: Kelly Kelly & Eve
-Token diva match to put over Kelly as a legitimate threat…or whatever *.
-Michael Cole calls outs Alex Riley and demands an apology for the attack on the Miz last week. Cole runs him down for awhile and Riley takes it until Cole calls him a bastard and gets manhandled.
Miz and his stylish hot pink dress shirt make the save but Riley turns things around and Miz gets beaten down again and runs away. I’ll give Miz this: He’s really putting Riley over huge and trying to give him credibility here.
CM Punk vs. Rey Mysterio
Punk stomps away to start and dumps Rey to the floor, allowing Mason Ryan to run him into the post and take us to a commercial break.
When we return, Punk counters a flying headscissors with a backbreaker for two then works a headscissors on the mat. Mysterio bridges out of a pin attempt (called a “magical moment” by Cole) and puts Punk on the floor where Rey follows with a dive through the middle ropes.
Back inside, Rey gets a cross body off the ropes for two and gets a variation of the victory roll for another two count. Punk hits a backbreaker out of nowhere for two and tries for the GTS but it’s countered to another flying headscissors.
Mysterio gets distracted by Mason Ryan during a 619 attempt and Punk takes advantage with a kick to the head for the pin and the victory.
Winner: CM Punk
-Pretty good TV match with Mysterio busting out some unique moves and Punk playing his always great heel role **1/2.
-Michael Cole ruins Tough Enough for me because I DVR’ed it…he just always racks up the points with me.
-Now, since Kharma was just discovered to have the worst-timed pregnancy in wrestling history, we have to let her talk. I mean seriously, this is the biggest moment of your life, you’re getting the push of a monster and featured on the flagship show of the biggest promotion in the world and you just had to go get pregnant.
They don’t even do a kayfabe angle here, she just says she’s pregnant and that’s it. Yeah, I’m sure Vince will trust her again with a huge push.
Anyways, they can’t resist burying her on the way out, as the Bellas come out and make fat jokes about the biggest monster in the promotion. Kharma promises to destroy the Bella twins when she gets back ONE YEAR from now.
Classy move by Vince to have the Bellas do that and Kharma can sadly kiss the biggest push of her career bye-bye. Nice that she wants to be a mom and all but hey, business is business.
-We get YET ANOTHER unfunny press conference promoting the Capitol Punishment PPV…does Vince seriously watch these things and giggle like a moron in his office? Because that’s what Cole and King are doing.
Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne
Swagger stomps away and dominates but they both tumble over the top rope on a back suplex attempt in a weird spot. Back in, Swagger gets two and he works the back as my C key decides to choose now to require 10 pounds of force to use…very convenient.
Swagger gets cocky and Bourne tries a comeback but gets caught with a sideslam and dominated again.
Since Swagger is working in slow-motion here, you could probably guess the finish and, sure enough, Swagger tries a German suplex but Bourne quickly rolls him up for the three count.
Winner: Evan Bourne
-Meh, this match was mostly Swagger treating Bourne like a jobber until the rollup, so whatever *.
John Cena vs. R-Truth
Cena gets the better of a hold exchange and Truth takes a powder to stall. Truth works his way back in the ring and hammers away in the corner but falls victim to the bulldog and takes yet another powder.
Again back inside, Cena puts Truth down and the Five Knuckle Shuffle causes Truth to roll to the outside for a third time. Is Larry Zbyszko booking this match?
Truth heads into the crowd where Cena gives chase but Truth catches him with a shot and dumps him to the floor. Truth sprints back into the ring and beats the count to get the cheap win.
Winner by Count Out: R-Truth
-I understand the storyline and all but the match was pretty much nothing DUD. Truth throws a drink in the plant’s face from earlier then runs away because he’s EVIL!
Not a bad episode this week, as Truth continues to get over as a heel and WWE commits to him in the main event, for now at least.
Hopefully, Nexus gets on a roll and Punk makes the leap to the top of the card before he gets frustrated and quits once his contract runs out later this summer.