My MLB Nightmares: 7 2011 Fantasy Picks That Make Me Wish I Autopicked

William JohnsonCorrespondent IIIMay 27, 2011

My MLB Nightmares: 7 2011 Fantasy Picks That Make Me Wish I Autopicked

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    CHICAGO, IL - MAY 22:  Adam Dunn #32 of the Chicago White Sox hits a run-scoring single in the 8th inning against the Los Angeles Dodgers at U.S. Cellular Field on May 22, 2011 in Chicago, Illinois. The White Sox defeated the Dodgers 8-3.  (Photo by Jonat
    Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

    I am really terrible at fantasy sports. REALLY terrible. I did finish second once in basketball one year. But, other then that (and for that I say 'even blind squirrels find a nut every now and then'), I am pretty much the office cellar dweller.

    See, I am dumb enough to join an office league with my friends in which we play for free lunches every week. Naturally, I get a few free lunches a year. Maybe four. But I also end up paying for about 60,000 of them, too. Not a great profit margin there.

    Anyways, I approach each fantasy draft with a clean slate and get ready to annihilate my competition. And sometimes my draft picks do well for a bit—if they show up at all—and I go 5-1 before finishing the year 1-13-1 (or something like that). I stink. Like Limburger.

    And this year was no different. I currently stand at 2-4-1 (not as terrible as past performances) in my fantasy baseball league, but I find myself loaded with players that lots of sources convinced me would be awesome but have actually sucked holy wind.

    Here are seven (hear that? seven!!!!!) terrible fantasy choices I made this year in MLB fantasy.

    *stats are as updated as I could get them. Games were going on while I was writing this so, we'll see. Don't get mad if I'm off an integer or two.

Reid Brignac

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    Adam Dunn
    Adam DunnHannah Foslien/Getty Images

    Reid is a really nice guy who responds to his fans (and I am a Rays fan) but he is the anti-fantasy hero this year. 

    Never a great hitter to begin with, Reid is batting a woeful .170 and has only four walks compared to his 25 Ks.

    Adding to that, he has ONE extra base hit (2B) in 100 at-bats and only six RBI.

    I thought this would be his breakout year (and, granted, there are loads and loads of games to go) but, for now, it's looking like losing Jason Bartlett was a bad idea for the Rays. And for me! I drafted him.


Delmon Young

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    NEW YORK - OCTOBER 09:  Delmon Young #21 of the Minnesota Twins looks on during batting practice against the New York Yankees during Game Three of the ALDS part of the 2010 MLB Playoffs at Yankee Stadium on October 9, 2010 in the Bronx borough of New York
    Chris McGrath/Getty Images

    Delmon Young has been a consistent source of singles, doubles, RBI and even the occasional SB/HR.

    And his lifetime average of .289 (with no season hitting under .284) makes him a fantasy sure thing.

    So I did the sure thing and drafted him.

    So why is it this year he wants to be terrible?

    Mired in a slump that has seen him hit for two for his last 68 billion, Young isn't slugging or getting on base and is hardly scoring any runs.


Edinson Volquez

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    HOUSTON - MAY 11:  Pitcher Edinson Volquez #36 of the Cincinnati Reds throws against the Houston Astros at Minute Maid Park on May 11, 2011 in Houston, Texas.  (Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images)
    Bob Levey/Getty Images

    Maybe I should have taken the first two starts of his as a sign he needed to be dropped.

    But, just like when I drafted him, I had faith he'd pull through.

    And if I was playing AAA fantasy, maybe I'd be winning.

Matt Thornton

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    CHICAGO - AUGUST 01: Manager Ozzie Guillen #13 of the Chicago White Sox talks with Matt Thorton #37 and Ramon Castro #27 in the 8th inning against the Oakland Athletics at U.S. Cellular Field on August 1, 2010 in Chicago, Illinois. The White Sox defeated
    Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

    Remember that year when Matt Thornton was the go-to closer for an entire season of White Sox ball? No? Oh yeah—I made that up in my mind on draft day.

    Four blown saves, a 0-3 record and a 5.51 ERA makes me hurt inside.

Pedro Alvarez

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    DENVER, CO - MAY 01:  Third baseman Pedro Alvarez #24 of the Pittsburgh Pirates tracks down a pop foul against the Colorado Rockies at Coors Field on May 1, 2011 in Denver, Colorado. The Pirates defeated the Rockies 8-4.  (Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Im
    Doug Pensinger/Getty Images

    I'm going to blame Baseball Prospectus for this. They told me to ignore Mark Reynolds (in fact, I think they told me to put a curse on his family and, if seen on the street, kill him) but said that Alvarez is due to a breakout!

    When? 2014? WHY DID I DRAFT HIM NOW!!!!!

    Alvarez, recently placed on the DL, was hitting .208 with a measly .283 OBP.

Adam Dunn

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    CHICAGO, IL - MAY 01: Adam Dunn #32 of the Chicago White Sox prepares to bat against the Baltimore Orioles at U.S. Cellular Field on May 1, 2011 in Chicago, Illinois. The Orioles defeated the White Sox 6-4. (Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)
    Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

    And with the fourth pick in William Johnson's MLB Fantasy Draft, William picks Adam Dunn.

    This seemed like a great idea. I knew I'd have to consider a lot of Ks but, in return, I'd get loads and loads and loads of home runs and walks! Right?


    The slugger, who hit 40 or more homers five times and drove in 100+ runs six times, has only managed 29 hits so far this year (most of them singles) with only five HR/22 RBI. Add a .186 average and a league leading 65 Ks and you have fantasy pain.

    He even got caught stealing once. Thanks jerk!

Rafael Soriano

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    NEW YORK, NY - APRIL 26:  Rafael Soriano #29 of the New York Yankees walks to the dugout after the top of the eighth inning against the Chicago White Sox at Yankee Stadium on April 26, 2011 in the Bronx borough of New York City.  (Photo by Chris Trotman/G
    Chris Trotman/Getty Images

    This is as much my commissioner's fault as much as it is mine.

    I thought we'd have holds in our league, so I got the former-closer Soriano thinking he'd be the most dominate set-up man in the game.

    But even if we had holds, I'd still have lost other pitching categories like, I dunno, ERA, HR allowed, BB, SO. You know, the minor categories.

    Soriano has been dreadful. He did manage me one save and one win, but in only 15 total innings as set-up man, Soriano has allowed nine earned runs, walked 11 batters, and has allowed 15 hits.

    His ERA is a large 5.40 and, worst of all, he has destroyed any mystique and allure he built up while a stud in Tampa.