Earlier this season, we introduced you to to Biggs Barker, a die-hard Hogs fan and computer genius who has agreed to compile opposition research on Arkansas’ opponents. After spending most of his teenage years in a federal prison for various hacking-related cybercrimes, Biggs (if that is indeed his real name) has helped lead the government’s domestic surveillance and wiretapping efforts.
After taking a few weeks off to treat a depression caused by the Hogs’ early-season play (and to engage in covert activities related to the ongoing financial scandals), Biggs is back, and he has compiled the following info. on the University of Kentucky and its football team.
2008 Record: 4-2 (0-2 in the SEC). The Wildcats are averaging 26.2 points per game (sixth in the SEC) and yielding only 10.5 points per game (first in the conference).
Offense: Averaging 317 yards of total offense per game (eighth in the SEC)—187.8 passing yards per game (seventh in the conference) and 129.2 rushing yards per game (eighth in the conference).
Defense: Yielding 274.2 yards of total offense per game (fifth in the SEC)—166 passing yards per game (fourth in the conference) and 108.2 rushing yards per game (tied for sixth in the conference with LSU).
Players to Watch: Quarterback Mike Hartline is averaging 171 yards of passing per game. For the year, he has completed 55.3 percent of his attempts and thrown for five touchdowns and four interceptions.
The team’s leading rusher, Derrick Locke, is only averaging 44.8 yards per game; taking injured receiver Dicky Lyon Jr. out of the equation, Locke is currently also the team’s leading receiver (statistically speaking), hauling in 31.5 receiving yards per game.
Cornerback Trevard Lindley has three interceptions.
Speaking of Dicky Lyon: He has creepy dreams about Georgia quarterback Matt Stafford.
Speaking of Creepy: Check this out.
Notable Alums: Actress Ashley Judd, U.S. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, actress Ashley Judd, Wilco drummer Glenn Kotche, actress Ashley Judd, sports broadcaster Tom Hammond, actress Ashley Judd…[editor’s note: Biggs is sure some other very impressive and accomplished people graduated from the University of Kentucky. He’s just having trouble getting his mind off a certain one. Let’s move on.]
The Resemblance to the Beastie Boys is Downright Eerie: If someone tells you Kentucky fans can’t rap, that person is wrong. So very, very wrong. Yo, check it out:
Peace to the streets - Biggs is out.